I need you and I want you

These two simple phrases have left my mouth over the past few months. It took me a long time to recognize that, as much as I love being totally independent, I appreciate that fact that I have a man by my side who wants me to need him and want him. I have learned that I do, in fact, want him and need him. 

However, the one thing I have always struggled with is giving every second of every day over to Jesus. Yes, I have a relationship with Him, but I don't always cherish that relationship and give it the time it really needs. I hate that I can so easily push it aside, when I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him. 

Today, during lunch, I was spending some time listening to the heart of God. I heard Him question me: "How much do you want Me? How much do you need Me?" I realized at that moment that I only outwardly express those desires during desperate times of need...which currently happens to be where I'm at in life. But, reality is that I shouldn't require "wake-up calls" to force me to fall on my knees and need Him. I should need Him and want Him every second of every day. 

I am not perfect. I do not think I'm perfect. I know I never will be perfect here on this earth. However, I need to strive after living my life as an image of God. I know I sin and make mistakes, but the repentance that God offers is such a beautiful thing. Sadly, I take it all for granted. 

I am very thankful for these realizations. I'm thankful I serve such a faithful and gracious God, who allows me to work through my mistakes. I am thankful for the blood of Jesus that makes all things like new. I'm thankful for the ability commune with Holy Spirit. Overall, this hard realization of the box I put God in has made me grateful that He continually draws me to Him and is always standing there, even after the countless times I ignore Him. 

As time lapses

Once again, I blink and a few months go by. How does that happen?!?! I guess it's just called life. And, sadly, I've heard that it goes be even faster as you get older. So, I just need to enjoy the moments as they happen.

Much has happened in the past couple months...probably TOO much to squeeze in one tiny blog post. So, micro-sized stories will have to do...well, for most things.

As of Sunday, I just returned from my first Alaskan cruise. It was unbelievable. The splendor of the beauty. Words cannot describe. I was able to see the magnificent glaciers. I was also able to visit Juneau, Skagway, and Ketchikan. I saw whales, both Orca and Humpback. I was able to travel through the White Pass Trail up to the Yukon Territory. I was able to hold puppies that are bred for being competitive sled dogs. But the best part was enjoying this trip with my mom. Moments like these are so precious and is what I will treasure for years to come. Our relationship may not be perfect because we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything. However, she is the one who birthed me, raised me, cared for me, loved me at my worst, and has become my best friend. I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.

With this coming year, there are crazy changes ahead. I am still teaching full time special education. However, I'm going to be tackling a new part-time job: being an English instructor at the nearby community college. It came as a total surprise and was like a whirlwind. One minute I didn't even have this in my plans and the next minute I'm filling out hiring paperwork to teach an Academic Literacy course in the evening two days a week. What?!?! How did it happen?? I honestly don't know. It was a total God thing. My life is going to become SUPER crazy in just a mere week, but I'm beyond excited to fulfill my dream of teaching college. Although, on top of teaching full-time in a middle school and part-time in the college, I'm going back for my math endorsement. The program I'm taking is accelerated, which means my classes are only ten weeks long. And my first class is Pre-Calculus. Sometimes, I question if I'm purposely trying to make myself stress out. I know it's in God's hands. I just need to rely on Him for peace and comfort because anybody who knows me, knows I stress out super easily.

And of course my love life. Well, I can happily say that I am more in love with Gabe every passing day. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful man I could have asked for. Yes, we've had rocky parts in our relationship, but we've worked through it all and become so much stronger in God and so much closer as a couple. Marriage is definitely in the cards in the coming year...which is BEYOND exciting! No, I don't have a ring on my finger yet. And, yes, I'm anxiously anticipating his proposal (*hint, hint* haha). So yes, wedding planning will be thrown into the mix of my already crazy busy life, which means I am so looking forward to marrying Gabe because then I'll finally be able to spend time with him. Sadly, right now our lives are only able to handle about one day a week of seeing each other. I could really handle at least seven days a week ;-)

Well, I think that just about sums it up for now. I would love to say that hopefully I don't keep this streak going of forgetting to post until months go by, but I can't make any promises. Although, if a certain event does take place, I CAN promise you that a post will be made.

Done

I can't stand selfish people. I can't stand when people think that what they're doing is a "good thing" yet all they do is do things to make them feel happy not other people. I can't surround myself with those people. I need to feel happiness and joy. The only ones I truly get that from are Jesus, my family, and select friends. I hate that being around such people, selfish people, make me feel angry and hurt. I hate this. I can't put on the mask that everything is okay for much longer. Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I need my fairytale yet the situation I'm in will never make that happen. I'm done. I've waited too long, and I will wait no longer!

Will it ever make sense?

Honestly, it probably won't. I don't understand why I feel like my life is a constant uphill battle. I know they say God gives you as much as you can handle. But somehow God must think I'm strong. However, I feel like I'm weakening. Between my work and my relationships, sometimes...many times...life doesn't seem fair. Not that life is supposed to be fair. Did I do something to deserve all these struggles? Yet, my struggles aren't that bad compared to the other people out there. Sometimes I wished I had a life button that said "quit" or "start over." I think I'm ready and looking forward to celebrating life in heaven. This world means nothing to me. I received more pain than happiness from this world. The only joy I've found is in Jesus Christ.

9 Months

9 months of some joy
But more pain.
9 months of getting closer
Yet farther apart.

At 9 months, I should feel:
Confidant about you
Excited for a future
Wholly yours
Loved, cherished, and adored.

But at 9 months, I feel:
Uncertain about you
Terrified and unsure of a future with you
Cheated on
Used, insignificant, and worthless.

Why do I put myself through this?
"Us" has always been about you
Not me, not us, but you.
I'm tired of you.
I need it to be about me.

You say you love me
But those are empty words.
Deep down, I'm just your best friend
Nothing more.
I'm not the girl you love.
I'm not the girl you adore.

I'm just a stupid girl
Who's fallen for you
Who's put up with so much of your crap
Who's allowed you to make mistakes
Who's let you love other things
Who's waited and hoped for change
Who's just a stupid fool.
I deserve better, much better.

I'm fragile
But you're oblivious.
You've broken me too many times
And only God can mend the pieces

You act like nothing is wrong
Yet underneath my facade, I am:
Broken and used
Frustrated and disappointed
Holding regrets
Scared I went wrong 9 months ago.

I should be treated as a rare diamond
Yet I'm treated as cubic zirconium.
I'm just a fix,
A fulfilled satisfaction.

Where's the spontaneity?
Where's the pizzazz?
Where the creativity?
Where's the element of surprise?

I'm still in the tower
Waiting for my Knight, my Prince.
Will he ever find me and rescue me?
Will my fairytale ever begin?

I've lost hope.
Maybe it's time to stop waiting.
Maybe it's time for me to move.
Maybe it's a time for a change in thinking.

Yes! That's it, a change!
These 9 months revolved around you.
I can promise, though...
These next 9 months
And the rest of my life
Will be about
Me.

Just when things were looking up

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important" - Kathryn Stockett, The Help

I feel like, right now, this quote is continuously running through my head. Now, grant it, I haven't heard it in a long time, but after a series of events, I've come to the conclusion that I need to do things for me. I'm tired of giving and giving and seeing little in return. I'm not talking about my job or my volunteer work but relationships.

I hate feeling insignificant. Not that I want to be put on a pedestal BUT and this is a BIG but, I hate feeling like I'm nothing. I hate feeling like a satisfaction fix. Mostly, I want to despise those people. Unfortunately, I can't because I love them too much. Every ounce of me, right now, wants to run away, call it quits, and just go on living like nothing ever happened.

In a sense, it's been a great reality check. Why? Well, I've realized the following about myself:

1. I'm beautiful. I may not have a bombshell, rocking body or the perfect figure, but I'm beautiful on the inside and out. I'm old-time classy. I do whatever I can to look first-class...even when I'm going for a run. I dress to impress.
2. I'm educated and smart. I love learning new things every day. I love the challenge of bettering myself.
3. I'm talented. I have a TON of gifts. Not only can I do the typical housewife stuff (i.e. cook, clean, bake, etc.), but I can be completely independent. I am willing to learn to fix just about anything. I could run a house without the help of any man. Heck...who needs a man, when I can do it by myself?!?! I mean on top of all that I can be slightly artsy. I sing and play instruments ;-) I mean come on! Haha. And of course there's more...but I'll stop tooting my own horn. :-P
4. I have my head on straight. My life, for the most part, is pretty much in order.
5. Most importantly, and yes this should have gone first, I LOVE Jesus. He is my Cornerstone. 

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stooping down to a level I shouldn't. I was raised better than that. I should want to associate with people who are like-minded. Why do I feel like I'm on waiting for a pointless ride that is broken and never going to get fixed? It's like I'm waiting hours in line to ride my favorite roller coaster, only to find out when I get to the top that it's broken and I can't ride it. 

So back to the quote. I am kind! I am smart! Most importantly, I am IMPORTANT! I am important to Jesus and that's all that matters. I need to live my life for me and pleasing the God who created me. I'm done being a people pleaser. It's just about me and God from now on!

April showers bring May flowers

Literally and figuratively. Although, I don't think Michigan realizes that it's May, and I feel like the rain isn't stopping and the weather is deciding to remain cold....blah. However, on a figurative note, I predict May to be an AMAZING month.

April was tough; there is no doubt about it. I shed many tears. I became extremely frustrated. I realized how scared I am of the future. However, all of these experiences and realizations were worth it because I grew so much in my relationship with Jesus.

Yesterday, I was surprised with beautiful flowers - gorgeous irises and white lilies, an absolutely delicious dinner at a place I've never been to, awesome frozen yogurt, and of course quality time with my special man. I love him, or at least am highly infatuated with him. ;-) He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the man I want to be there when I experience all the highs of life and all the lows of life. Most importantly, he is the man I want to always challenge me in my relationship with Jesus.

I hope he never stops dating me. I hope he never stops chasing after my heart. I hope he always surprises me. I hope he loves me more every passing day.

However, I've also realized that what I hope for in my relationship is how I should be with my relationship with God. I never want to stop chasing after His heart. I want to love Him more every passing day. My love relationship with God should be reflected in my love towards people, not just my family or the wonderful man in my life.

I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."

I hope to earnestly seek after God for the rest of my days. I want to know His heart.