Courting, dating, relationships...blah, blah, blah

I said in my previous post that I would bring up the topic of what really IS courting. I’ve talked about “courting” loosely throughout my posts but never really went into detail about what my definition of it is and how it applies to dating, relationships, marriage, etc. Take a second to think what comes to mind when you hear the word “courting.”

Here’s what I think:

• Old-fashion
• 6 inch rule
• Little to no physical contact
• No dating
• Never alone
• Parents always involved

The list could go on. I will argue that courting is an "old-fashion" term. However, the other items I listed to define courting are really a matter of preference and vary from family to family.

The term, courting, has been around for some time. For example it appears in literary works dating back to the 1600’s, such as Fayre Mayde of Exchange (1607), Joseph Hall's Resolution and Divers Practicall Cases of Conscience in Continuall Use Amongst Men (1649), and Sir E. Nicholas’ The Nicholas Papers: Correspondence of Sir E. Nicholas (1655). The Oxford English Dictionary defines courting as such: “The paying of courteous attention, in order to win favour or love; paying addresses, wooing.” Oh, just an FYI – no, my spelling is not inaccurate. The spellings are Renaissance, European spellings. Just get rid of the desire to fix my conventions and continue reading.

Okay, let me dig deeper because I personally hate when the term being defined shows up in the definition itself (i.e. courteous is used to define courting). If you didn’t understand the word to begin with, it just complicates the matter that much more. So, what does “courteous” mean? Courteous, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, has to do with “having such manners as befit the court of a prince; having the bearing of a courtly gentleman in intercourse with others; graciously polite and respectful of the position and feelings of others; kind and complaisant in conduct to others.” Now that “courting” has been defined, let’s take its meaning and apply it to modern-day relationships.

The assumption with courting is that many times dating is not involved or that dating is something that is entirely different. This is both accurate and inaccurate. Well, I guess I realized I wasn’t done with the vocab lesson. Let’s look at the history of the word. The word “date” did not first appear until around the late 1800’s, with one of its first emergences being in 1876 in George Meredith’s The Letters of George Meredith. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as follows: “An appointment or engagement at a particular time, frequently with a person of the opposite sex; a social activity engaged in by two persons of opposite sex.” So is dating equivalent to courting? Not technically. Dating is to go out on an engagement with someone of the opposite sex. It does not necessarily mean the guy is trying to win the girl’s love. However, my follow up question would be, is dating involved in courting? Yes, most definitely! Remember, the purpose of courting is to win the girl’s love or woo her. Taking a girl out on a date is expression of showing her “courteous attention.” What girl DOESN’T want this?!

Honestly, I hate the term “in a relationship.” It just sounds funny. Did you not have a relationship with the person before classifying the relationship as “in a relationship”? In all technicality, yes. However, our modern-day language has come to use this term as “seriously” dating someone...which I guess would realistically be courting them since it’s “serious.” Okay, I’m going to move on because I feel as if I’m going in circles. I think you get my point. Since when did relationships become so complicated? Well, since our language to describe it did. Back in the day when dating wasn’t a term to describe a relationship, courting was the thing to do. You were friends, and when you decided to make the next step, you were engaged. There was no “serious” dating or being “in a relationship.”

So with both then and now, if you court someone, are you obligated to marry them? No!! Many times people assume, especially in today’s society, that if you are courting a person that you will marry them. What you may find out is that there are too many differences or maybe you realize that you are just not compatible with the other person. If you end up marrying a person because you feel obligated, your marriage will suffer and you will be unhappy. Courting is a type of action. Dating is a part of courting. It is supposed to be during your time together that you learn about each other’s past, likes, dislikes, future plans, etc. Although the goal of courting is to have marriage be the end of the courting phase and the beginning of life together, ultimately it is supposed to answer the following question: “Can I truly marry this person and spend of the rest of my life with him/her while being the happiest person on the planet?” If you find that your answer is no, maybe you should reconsider your true motives for being with the person.

God created marriage, and it is a wonderful thing. If you are finding that courting is not exciting and such a blessing, then most likely marriage won’t be a blessing and oh-so-wonderful. Don’t worry about ending the relationship and being single. If your desire is to be married and have a family, God will provide that, but you just need to trust Him. As you draw closer to Him, His desires become your desires. Keep your heart and mind focused on Him. Just remember what Psalm 37:4-5 says: "Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

My refuge and strong tower

Many people do not understand the true reason why I decided to stopped seeing that person so quickly. However, I am not at liberty to say because it really is just between me and God. Even though I'm getting crap for being such a jerk, I've realized that I have to remember that my relationship with God is the only thing that matters. My closest friends and immediate family understand, and that's what's important.

From the world's perspective, I am a heartless jerk. From my perspective, I obeyed the word God gave me. I had no choice because I will not hinder my relationship with God. He created me. He healed me. He sustains me. He is the only person that will always be there for me.

Last night as I was spending time with God, I was drawn to Psalm 61:

¹ Hear my cry, O God;
         Attend to my prayer.² From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
         When my heart is overwhelmed;
         Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. ³ For You have been a shelter for me,
         A strong tower from the enemy.⁴ I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
         I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.  Selah  ⁵ For You, O God, have heard my vows;
         You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.⁶ You will prolong the king’s life,
         His years as many generations.
⁷ He shall abide before God forever.
         Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him! 
⁸ So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
         That I may daily perform my vows.

I love how God brings me to the right passage for the current state I am in. Even though I say I don't care what people think of me, I actually do. I hate looking like I'm a player. When we started seeing each other, I really thought there was potential for it to be more than just friends. I didn't use it for self-satisfaction or the desire for a boyfriend, and I CERTAINLY did not use him. I mean, come on, the guy still had yet to take me on an official date after over 3 weeks of supposedly dating. So, we weren't "in a relationship" and we never dated. I guess we were just friends...nothing more. The whole thing on him saying he was seeing me but never making an effort, well, that's pretty pathetic...I mean just saying, from a girl's perspective. Isn't the point to "woo" her and never stop "wooing" her? Anyway, that's a topic for another time.

I just realized that there were too many differences I couldn't handle, and it was those differences that opened my eyes to see that he was nothing more than a friend. Therefore, I shouldn't continue dancing around any idea of him being more than a friend. If I continued seeing him, the relationship would have been built on lies because I truly didn't like him as more than a friend since God had taken away those feelings. A relationship built on lies isn't a relationship at all. Also, that would only be leading him on, and it would be hindering my relationship with him, my family, my friends, and God. Once again, this all ties back to the importance of my relationship with Christ. That's also the point of being a mature person and being honest.

I am sorry if I did break his heart, but time will heal those wounds. Also, hopefully he relies on God because God is the ultimate healer. The positive side is that we were only seeing each other for a little over 3 weeks. So, if he got that emotionally attached in that short of time then it is not my problem. He needs to learn, as do all people including myself,  that even when seeing a person, your heart needs to be guarded. A person's heart should truly not be opened all the way until marriage, or at least if you know for sure from God that you are marrying the person. I person is foolish if they do it before, let alone not even a month into a relationship.

I love how God uses all situations to remind me of how great He really is. I honestly cannot fathom His greatness because words cannot even begin to describe it. I am so blessed to serve such a magnificent Savior. He is my refuge and strong tower!

That's how life goes...

I had the wonderful opportunity to see the Rend Collective Experiment (a worship band from Ireland), Rachel Chan, and Francis Chan. If you don't know who any of these people are, well then you HAVE to check them out. I actually had  never heard of the Rend Collective Experiment until the other night, but oh my word, I have now fallen in love with them. They are so very anointed. As for their sound, the best way to describe it, is as such: if David Crowder Band and Gungor got together and had a baby, it would be the Rend Collective Experiment. Francis Chan, on the other hand, is an extremely anointed, Holy Spirit led speaker, author, and pastor. I know I have talked about Crazy Love. Well, he is the author of that book. He has also written Forgotten God and Erasing Hell.

Anywho, over the past few days, God has really been dealing with me on some issues and some frustrations that I have had over the past few weeks. However, it wasn't until hearing Francis Chan that these things were brought to light and God really convicted me. I guess the biggest thing to say is that I've decided that I wasn't really ready to get involved in a serious relationship. I know, short lived. Before you get mad at me for it only lasting so long and looking like a jerk, let me explain. He is a good guy, but I realized that I'm not ready for marriage. Actually, to be honest, I've realized how much I enjoy singleness. I don't like being tied to someone, and I like being able to call my own shots. 

That's the point of courting: to really get to know someone and see if there is potential for marrying them. It just so happened I realized right away. After much consult with God and after some deep conversations with this guy, I realized there were too many differences that I knew it would create much havoc if we even decided to take it to the next level. So instead of leading him on, I had to be open and honest with both him and myself. I really like him has a friend, but marriage is just not something I foresee with him. I have to be honest in saying that although I know the guy is heartbroken, I am not. It is because I have realized that when my life aligns with the plan God has for me, I have such peace and freedom. My relationship with Christ is more important than anything else. If God tells me to do something, I will obey Him because He created me and loves me with an unconditional love. 

As for Francis Chan, everything he said resonated with my soul. The Holy Spirit was totally talking through him. He was just a mouth piece for God, and that is one of the greatest things to witness. He has such a burden for Detroit. His burden is the same sound that we, south-eastern Michiganders, have been hearing for over a year: the Great Commission. We are told to go into the world and preach the gospel. However, Christians have lost sight of that. God will judge us of this. He said He would tell those workers of iniquity (the lukewarm Christians) to depart because He never knew them. The scary part is, are we certain that we are an on-fire Christian? Chan mentioned the question that so many people don't want to think about: Christians talk about how they want Jesus to come like He promised, but if Jesus came tonight or this very second, would we truly be ready? Think about it. Do you know if when you stand before the judgement seat of Christ that you will hear those words "well done My good and faithful servant"?

So that's what's going on in my life and that's what God has been revealing to me. Below is a clip of one of the songs, "Build Your Kingdom," sung by the Rend Collective Experiment. Enjoy! :)

Bringing glory

Okay, I should clarify that this post has to do with bringing glory to God. Over the past few weeks, I've become wrapped up in life and realized I began to lose focus on my relationship with Jesus. Without even knowing it, I began to push the amount of time I spent in the Word and spent talking to Him to the bare minimum. My wonderful mother, who is also the one I turn to for spiritual guidance, reminded me that even though I may have a lot going on, I cannot jeopardize my relationship with Christ.

As I was spending time in the Word and just spending some quality time with the Holy Spirit, I was prompted to Psalm 96. I was specifically drawn to verses 7-9:

7 Give to the LORD, O families of the peoples,

         Give to the LORD glory and strength.

8 Give to the LORD the glory due His name;

         Bring an offering, and come into His courts.

9 Oh, worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness!

         Tremble before Him, all the earth.

So, what are these verses showing me? I need to always glorify God. My every move should be worship unto Him. In verse 8, the psalmist states to “Give to the Lord the glory due His name.” Well what glory is due to His name? EVERYTHING! This means that every breath I take should be glorifying. Every move I make should be glorifying. Every second of my every day should be glorifying and should be worship unto Him. God is to be feared, and He is to be praised! He created us to glorify Him!

God is amazingly great! Actually, I honestly cannot fathom His greatness. He created me. He has a plan for me. He saved me from my wretched, sinful self. He brought me into a relationship with Him. He has given me the gift of eternal life with Him. He has adopted me into His family. He loves me unconditionally. He has given me an unexplainable joy. I am a child of the Most High God, and for that, I will forever be thankful! The only thing I can do is glorify and worship Him for all He has done for me.