Irritation

Have you ever, after being with someone, become so irritated that you just want to cry out of frustration? Not feeling included is a non-descriptive feeling, yet it causes so much inner pain. Well, I get to this point every time I am with some people. Unfortunately, now is not the time to do either one of two things: cut off the relationship or confront the person. However, I'm now sitting at home feeling like my anxiety is boiling over - to the point I just want to sob but can't.

Even though a few others know of my irritation, I don't feel like anyone truly understands. The worst part is that I can't even tell my husband fully how I feel, nor if I did, would he understand or agree with why I feel frustrated, hurt, and irritated.

Through all of this, I question if it's me. Is something so wrong with me that these people can somehow irk me to my innermost being? Then I question, why do I let it get to me? Why do I let it eat away at me? So what if I'll never measure up? So what if I'm just there to fulfill the facade? So what if they'll never view me as relational material? Why can't they treat me as an equal? Why do I get the shaft?

But it makes me circle back to: Why do I have to keep trying? Why do I have to keep putting on the smile? Why do I have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not? Actually, it's awful - so awful it causes me so much frustration, hurt, rejection, irritation, and the list goes on. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there seems to be no easy way to work through it.

I don't know what God is doing through this process. I don't know what this situation will look like a few months from now, a year from now, or ten years from now. All I know is that I don't want it to affect my relationship with God. However, I feel that it does because I allow it to get to me. I allow it to steal my peace and joy. I'm tired of it causing me to become an emotionally unhealthy individual because it hurts me at such a deep, inner level. I guess I need to seek God as to why this situation causes such deep wounds, along with irritation and frustration, and I have give it over to Him.

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)