Lately, I've been confused and unsure regarding some situations. No matter what people tell me or suggest to me, I'm left more perplexed than ever. As I sit at home by myself, I've had a lot of time to just reflect on my life and God's goodness. I know that sometimes waiting and this virtue of patience is a challenge. Countless times have I breached the waiting period and did what I thought was right. Unfortunately, it's come back and slapped me in the face...and harder than I would have ever expected. Obviously, I just pick up the pieces and move on.
However, I've done this to some "touchy" situations and I believe I've left myself numb to take any chances or even bother. I've realized that sometimes I would rather live in my current moment rather than go forward. I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm afraid to put myself out there.
Honestly, though, these are the moments were I become very frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Other days, I wished I could backtrack a year and a half ago. Then there are those times were I just wished I could live that present moment over and over. Where am I at right now?? Honestly, I don't know. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the future. In a way, I'm completely and totally scared as to what my life will look like ten years from now. I'm afraid of moving out of God's will. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm listening to my heart and not His. Many times, I just want to fall a part in His presence because that is the only place I know I am safe.
As I'm typing this, I'm listening to "The More I Seek You," as sung by Steffany Frizzell, and crying. I'm crying because I have just melted in God's presence. I talk all the time about getting an unreal douse of the Holy Spirit and just soaking it up by being in His presence. I know this song backwards and forwards. I've even used it when leading worship, but it was highlighted at this very moment that His presence is what gives me peace. It is where I break down and can just be me. I don't have to make an impression for anyone because who I am is just about glorifying Jesus. How UNBELIEVABLE is that?!?!?!
I serve this awesome God who loves me more in a moment than I would EVER be loved in a lifetime. I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3:17). I am saved by His steadfast love (Psalm 31:16). I can love others because God loves me (1 John 4:7-8). I am loved by God because I diligently seek His face (Proverbs 8:17). I want God to pull me closer and take me deeper. I want to know His heart and want to melt away in His presence. As I know that these coming months and years will hold many challenges, it is such a comfort to know that I serve this awesome God who will never stop loving me.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Being stretched
I'm half way through the fall semester of grad classes and already half way through first semester of teaching at the high school. Where has the year gone?!?! I can't believe I'm less than 3 short weeks away from Thanksgiving and less than 7 weeks from Christmas. It is unreal that 2012 is almost over. In a way, I'm relieved that it is and can't wait to see what 2013 will hold. I love the idea of new beginnings. It reminds me what Isaiah 43:18-19 has to say: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.
Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.
Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]
Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).
Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.
"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).
Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.
Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.
Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]
Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).
Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.
"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).
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