Almost half way there

Tomorrow marks the mid-point of April. A couple weeks ago, I thought it would never come. However, now that it's here, well I'm not sure what to think. The last 14 days have been a very reflective, eye opening experience. Some great moments and some...well...not so great moments.

I've realized in the last 14 days, I have been drawn to Mark 12. Coincidence...I think not. Mark 12 is where Jesus lists the two most important commandments: love God and love people. The purpose this months was to really focus on my relationship with God, something that I've not exactly made the central part of my life. So through this passage of scripture, I realized what God has been really trying to speak to me: I need to remove the idols in my life...or in other words, not make them idols. God needs to become my center and stay my center.

As this month's end is right around the corner and life comes back full blast, I need to ready myself to not allow God to take a back seat. Without God, I am nothing and will be nothing. My relationship with God and how I live my life is going to affect my entrance into eternity. And there is NOTHING I want more than to praise my Savior, my Lord for the rest of my days.

So my goal for the REST of eternity: love the Lord my God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength.


...of course I'll love people, too, but that's just the second commandment ;-)

My everything

I so needed to hear this today. Such a sense of peace that washed over me and the tears fell while listening. My spirit has been quieted, and the uncertainty isn't surfacing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE

"Come to Me" Lyrics:

I am the Lord your God,

I go before you now.

I stand beside you

I'm all around you

And though you feel I'm far away

I'm closer than your breath

I am with you

More than you know

I am the Lord your peace

No evil will conquer you

Steady now your heart and mind

Come into my rest

And oh, let your faith arise

And lift up your weary head

I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm everything

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves

And I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid

Though your heart and flesh may fail you

I'm your faithful strength

And I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

Don't look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me

You will not be shaken, you will not be moved

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way

Just come to me, come to me

Cause I'm all that you need

Three words

I am done. Or, at least I really want to be. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel like words and promises aren't empty and that they aren't just fillers until going back to an old lifestyle. I need something so much more for myself. I know God created me to be driven and strive to do better, to use my gifts.

So what's next? Well I don't know. I'm just emotionally exhausted and can't find the beauty or worth in it. I need things I can't get attached to, yet get the praise or feeling of worth that I strive for. I know God enjoys it when I use the gifts and talents He's given. I'm ready to explore what else is out there and how I could maybe be a part of it.

Ok, I get I'm frustrated and exhausted and that this post is written out of those feelings. But those are the feelings I'm tired of. I need a change.

Uncertainty

So when I started this journey a few days ago, I went into it with much hurt and some hate towards myself. Today, I faced a new set of challenges. One: for one reason or another, I began to regret certain situations, situations that I could hate myself for, situations that I'll never be able to go back and change. I know I have to learn to just live with them and give them to God. However, I REALLY hate the moments when those regrets creep up on me and cause more pain than what already exists. Secondly: I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to quit already. I'm having a hard time seeing why I need to keep fighting for this. As much as I want this to be reality, I think I want it even more to not exist.

Currently, I'm realizing that it needs to be all or nothing. I can't do partial; it's actually causing pain. I don't really have much else to say. It's just been a very hard past couple days - emotionally.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

    my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (Psalm 63:1)

You know me

Well, it's day two. I'm going strong! By that, I mean I didn't cry today, or last night, for that matter. Hahaha. Yes, you can roll your eyes at me.

Anyway, I was going for a run this afternoon...which by the way this weather has been amazing, and I so badly hope that it's here to stay...but as I was saying: as I was going for a run this afternoon, God totally showed up! I have found that this happens quite a bit. It makes me question: why do I stop running for such long periods of time?? Oh yeah, Michigan has a winter that lasts like 6 months...

Over the past few years, life hasn't exactly been a cake walk. It has had high moments and it has had many very low moments! Each moment has made me stronger and given me greater insight. It is definitely a tool to strengthen my relationship with God.

I'm not dragging to the point here; I promise! Since I can't run without music, I decided that I'd finally listen to Bethel Music's The Loft Sessions album. There are a few songs that I have heard before and have fallen in love with before I even bought the album. However, today, one of those particular songs hit me so deep. The song is called "You Know Me."

As I was listening and running, I started to cry. I realized that God has His hand in every situation. Okay, so that wasn't new to me. What was enlightening was the fact that every trial and tribulation I go through, God has the perfect plan. How unreal is that?!?! God knows me, wants to know me, and desires me to know Him.

I know to many people this either doesn't phase them, they don't care, or they are just like "duh!" Coming to this realization, was just an awesome reminder of the greatness of my God.

See, I heard God a long time regarding some huge life possibilities. I put them on the shelf and walked away. As the door opened for those possibilities years later and they didn't turn out to be exactly how my brain had pictured it, I became worried, stressed, etc. But the thing is, God knows me. He knows exactly how my life with play out. He is using me for something so much greater. I just need to trust Him.

God knows me inside and out. He knows every emotion I have, whether or not I wear it on my sleeve. He knows every secret I've ever kept. He knows my deepest sins. He knows my greatest victories. He knows my future. He knows my past. He knows my wishes. He knows my dreams. He knows what's truly my reality. He knows my deepest desires and passions. He knows what I despise and hate the most. He knows EVERYTHING!

If I look at these coming 28 days as a way to get to know God to better understand His plan for my life, I think I will be blown away at the splendor of it all. I can't worry. I can't stress. I can't over-think. I just need to let go, have faith, and trust Him.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.” (Psalm 139:1-6)

All wrapped up

Over the past couple days, I have learned what it truly feels like to have your heart all wrapped up in something and then having to give it up. To have something or someone just always be there, yet in a flash things change from the usual. Well I'm learning this by choice this time. I've realized that some things in my life needed a change and I'm taking a break...well a step back and focusing on God. I guess you could call it a fast. I'm not sure if that's the first thing I'd call it, but from now on for the sake of making things easy, I'll term it as a fast - my 30-day fast.

30 days...doesn't seem too bad. Haha, that might be the biggest joke ever. I'm not even through day one and can already predict this coming week and weekend are going to be killer. However, I guess the point is for me to grow closer to God, right? It's going to force me very quickly to learn to wrap my heart in Him.

Even though today is only day one, I've had a couple nights of preparation - knowing this was coming. I've cried myself to sleep the last couple nights. It's probably one of the toughest, if not THE toughest decision I've ever made. I have to keep reminding myself that it is for the better.

So in 30 days, I'm hoping to come out with the following:

• A deeper walk with God
• Renewed strength
• Clear direction for the future

I'm also hoping that I can blog every day about my 30-day experience, including how God is speaking to me. I can't make any promises that I'll keep up with it EVERY day; however, I'm going to try. 

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)