Irritation

Have you ever, after being with someone, become so irritated that you just want to cry out of frustration? Not feeling included is a non-descriptive feeling, yet it causes so much inner pain. Well, I get to this point every time I am with some people. Unfortunately, now is not the time to do either one of two things: cut off the relationship or confront the person. However, I'm now sitting at home feeling like my anxiety is boiling over - to the point I just want to sob but can't.

Even though a few others know of my irritation, I don't feel like anyone truly understands. The worst part is that I can't even tell my husband fully how I feel, nor if I did, would he understand or agree with why I feel frustrated, hurt, and irritated.

Through all of this, I question if it's me. Is something so wrong with me that these people can somehow irk me to my innermost being? Then I question, why do I let it get to me? Why do I let it eat away at me? So what if I'll never measure up? So what if I'm just there to fulfill the facade? So what if they'll never view me as relational material? Why can't they treat me as an equal? Why do I get the shaft?

But it makes me circle back to: Why do I have to keep trying? Why do I have to keep putting on the smile? Why do I have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not? Actually, it's awful - so awful it causes me so much frustration, hurt, rejection, irritation, and the list goes on. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there seems to be no easy way to work through it.

I don't know what God is doing through this process. I don't know what this situation will look like a few months from now, a year from now, or ten years from now. All I know is that I don't want it to affect my relationship with God. However, I feel that it does because I allow it to get to me. I allow it to steal my peace and joy. I'm tired of it causing me to become an emotionally unhealthy individual because it hurts me at such a deep, inner level. I guess I need to seek God as to why this situation causes such deep wounds, along with irritation and frustration, and I have give it over to Him.

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)

Time Passes and Life Moves Forward

I can't believe it has been over 18 months since my last post. Sad! I was fairly good about posting in the past, even small updates, but somehow I have become engulfed in life. Life - here is the 30 second update: I have enjoyed being married to my husband of 21 months. I began classes for a Doctorate of Education last May, and I am progressing through the program. I am still working full time as a special education teacher, and I am an adjunct college English professor between two different colleges. I also tutor on the side. Gabe and I are at new church, and we are very thankful for the church family we have been forming over the past eight months. We had to put down our baby, our cat Peanut, in December. It was unexpected. His diabetes was not cooperating with the insulin, and it began to negatively effect his body. However, also unplanned, was us adopting a bonded pair of six year old cats, who have been an amazingly awesome addition to our family. As for "real" babies, we're still waiting and are enjoying spending time with each other and our pets.

Even as life progresses, it still seems one area I am continually facing with having to overcome is rejection. It amazes me how a family can so nonchalantly place their child in a category of "black sheep." Actually, it is sickening. Although I am a part of this situation, it sickens me to sit back and watch it happen to someone I love. What's worse is that individual keeps trying and trying, when there is no give back. The only time this person is wanted is when there is a huge family gathering to show how "close" the family is. It is such a facade.

I am learning through the process of dealing with it that God is bigger. It also has given me a much greater appreciation for my family and the acceptance I receive from them. I wished the eyes of this person would be opened to make a move, instead of staying stagnant in continually trying to force a relationship that is not wanted and not there. Why keep trying when there is no want or desire for a true relationship or interest?

I have to keep praying God will work on my heart, along with the other person's heart, to forgive and move forward. I don't want to harbor resentment towards the people, which is a daily battle.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)