Will it ever make sense?

Honestly, it probably won't. I don't understand why I feel like my life is a constant uphill battle. I know they say God gives you as much as you can handle. But somehow God must think I'm strong. However, I feel like I'm weakening. Between my work and my relationships, sometimes...many times...life doesn't seem fair. Not that life is supposed to be fair. Did I do something to deserve all these struggles? Yet, my struggles aren't that bad compared to the other people out there. Sometimes I wished I had a life button that said "quit" or "start over." I think I'm ready and looking forward to celebrating life in heaven. This world means nothing to me. I received more pain than happiness from this world. The only joy I've found is in Jesus Christ.

9 Months

9 months of some joy
But more pain.
9 months of getting closer
Yet farther apart.

At 9 months, I should feel:
Confidant about you
Excited for a future
Wholly yours
Loved, cherished, and adored.

But at 9 months, I feel:
Uncertain about you
Terrified and unsure of a future with you
Cheated on
Used, insignificant, and worthless.

Why do I put myself through this?
"Us" has always been about you
Not me, not us, but you.
I'm tired of you.
I need it to be about me.

You say you love me
But those are empty words.
Deep down, I'm just your best friend
Nothing more.
I'm not the girl you love.
I'm not the girl you adore.

I'm just a stupid girl
Who's fallen for you
Who's put up with so much of your crap
Who's allowed you to make mistakes
Who's let you love other things
Who's waited and hoped for change
Who's just a stupid fool.
I deserve better, much better.

I'm fragile
But you're oblivious.
You've broken me too many times
And only God can mend the pieces

You act like nothing is wrong
Yet underneath my facade, I am:
Broken and used
Frustrated and disappointed
Holding regrets
Scared I went wrong 9 months ago.

I should be treated as a rare diamond
Yet I'm treated as cubic zirconium.
I'm just a fix,
A fulfilled satisfaction.

Where's the spontaneity?
Where's the pizzazz?
Where the creativity?
Where's the element of surprise?

I'm still in the tower
Waiting for my Knight, my Prince.
Will he ever find me and rescue me?
Will my fairytale ever begin?

I've lost hope.
Maybe it's time to stop waiting.
Maybe it's time for me to move.
Maybe it's a time for a change in thinking.

Yes! That's it, a change!
These 9 months revolved around you.
I can promise, though...
These next 9 months
And the rest of my life
Will be about
Me.

Just when things were looking up

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important" - Kathryn Stockett, The Help

I feel like, right now, this quote is continuously running through my head. Now, grant it, I haven't heard it in a long time, but after a series of events, I've come to the conclusion that I need to do things for me. I'm tired of giving and giving and seeing little in return. I'm not talking about my job or my volunteer work but relationships.

I hate feeling insignificant. Not that I want to be put on a pedestal BUT and this is a BIG but, I hate feeling like I'm nothing. I hate feeling like a satisfaction fix. Mostly, I want to despise those people. Unfortunately, I can't because I love them too much. Every ounce of me, right now, wants to run away, call it quits, and just go on living like nothing ever happened.

In a sense, it's been a great reality check. Why? Well, I've realized the following about myself:

1. I'm beautiful. I may not have a bombshell, rocking body or the perfect figure, but I'm beautiful on the inside and out. I'm old-time classy. I do whatever I can to look first-class...even when I'm going for a run. I dress to impress.
2. I'm educated and smart. I love learning new things every day. I love the challenge of bettering myself.
3. I'm talented. I have a TON of gifts. Not only can I do the typical housewife stuff (i.e. cook, clean, bake, etc.), but I can be completely independent. I am willing to learn to fix just about anything. I could run a house without the help of any man. Heck...who needs a man, when I can do it by myself?!?! I mean on top of all that I can be slightly artsy. I sing and play instruments ;-) I mean come on! Haha. And of course there's more...but I'll stop tooting my own horn. :-P
4. I have my head on straight. My life, for the most part, is pretty much in order.
5. Most importantly, and yes this should have gone first, I LOVE Jesus. He is my Cornerstone. 

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stooping down to a level I shouldn't. I was raised better than that. I should want to associate with people who are like-minded. Why do I feel like I'm on waiting for a pointless ride that is broken and never going to get fixed? It's like I'm waiting hours in line to ride my favorite roller coaster, only to find out when I get to the top that it's broken and I can't ride it. 

So back to the quote. I am kind! I am smart! Most importantly, I am IMPORTANT! I am important to Jesus and that's all that matters. I need to live my life for me and pleasing the God who created me. I'm done being a people pleaser. It's just about me and God from now on!

April showers bring May flowers

Literally and figuratively. Although, I don't think Michigan realizes that it's May, and I feel like the rain isn't stopping and the weather is deciding to remain cold....blah. However, on a figurative note, I predict May to be an AMAZING month.

April was tough; there is no doubt about it. I shed many tears. I became extremely frustrated. I realized how scared I am of the future. However, all of these experiences and realizations were worth it because I grew so much in my relationship with Jesus.

Yesterday, I was surprised with beautiful flowers - gorgeous irises and white lilies, an absolutely delicious dinner at a place I've never been to, awesome frozen yogurt, and of course quality time with my special man. I love him, or at least am highly infatuated with him. ;-) He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the man I want to be there when I experience all the highs of life and all the lows of life. Most importantly, he is the man I want to always challenge me in my relationship with Jesus.

I hope he never stops dating me. I hope he never stops chasing after my heart. I hope he always surprises me. I hope he loves me more every passing day.

However, I've also realized that what I hope for in my relationship is how I should be with my relationship with God. I never want to stop chasing after His heart. I want to love Him more every passing day. My love relationship with God should be reflected in my love towards people, not just my family or the wonderful man in my life.

I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."

I hope to earnestly seek after God for the rest of my days. I want to know His heart.