Getting through it

I've been spending quite a bit of solitary time with God lately. It's been great and God has been opening my eyes to so many things. I've had a phenomenal week, but I know the coming weeks are going to be very hard adjusting to various things. I have a feeling I'll be on a (closet) mini-emotional roller coaster trying to get everything figured out and getting used this idea of life as normal (for now...at least). Thinking about it could make me cry. However, I just need to focus my eyes on Jesus and look forward to the future and what God has in store.


These past couple days, God has been bringing me to Isaiah 58:9-14.



⁹ Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
      ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
   “Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
      Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
 ¹⁰ Feed the hungry,
      and help those in trouble.
   Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
      and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
 ¹¹ The Lord will guide you continually,
      giving you water when you are dry
      and restoring your strength.
   You will be like a well-watered garden,
      like an ever-flowing spring.
 ¹² Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
      Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
      and a restorer of homes.
 ¹³ “Keep the Sabbath day holy.
      Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
   but enjoy the Sabbath
      and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
   Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
      and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
 ¹⁴ Then the Lord will be your delight.
      I will give you great honor
   and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
      I, the Lord, have spoken!”


God will give us, His children, a full life in the darkest and emptiest places. He NEVER fails us. How amazingly awesome is that??!!!??!! As God has been continually revealing Himself to me as to how He will restore me and give me life as I continue to follow Him I was brought to 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19.


"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy...Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator."

Can you put two and two together?

1. We, as Christians, are going to face fiery trials. However, it is through those trials His glory will complete shine. We will become the light in the darkest places.

2. God is going to be our strength. He will always be there and never leave us. He won't fail us.

So,  what do I take from this? I need to keep moving forward. As I face trials and difficult decisions, God will give me strength and wisdom to do the right thing. I just need to trust that He has the perfect plan because (yes for the hundredth time) HE NEVER FAILS ME. I serve the most amazing Creator. I am blessed to have   had this understanding since infancy. I love my Savior, and I know I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for the grace He has shown me and covered me with.

Check out this amazing song:

Busy, busy, busy

I've realized that I'm so GLAD God has control of my life. With working part-time at the high school, working at EMU, taking two online classes, and soon to be starting worship school, I have found that I am just slightly overwhelmed...but I LOVE being busy and always having something to do. Have I told you how much I LOVE my job?!?! Well, I guess I haven't posted since I found out I got the position, so you wouldn't know, haha. However, I'm SUPER rusty on all the special education laws, how to run an IEP/MET, etc. Soooo, I'm spending a lot of time trying to get caught up and re-educated on everything. I still have to put in three days a week at EMU, which is a bugger with working at a high school that is an hour away from campus. My two online classes are keeping me occupied in my free time. Then, I start worship school in a couple weeks, so that will be squeezing the rest of the free time I did have.


So back to why I'm sooo glad God is in control. I used to think I was ready for a relationship. Really, I thought everything was perfect timing. I would start my job, and I'd be dating that one I would plan on marrying. Everything would be a fairy tale, right? Wrong! If I threw a relationship into the mix of everything I have right now, something would definitely be suffering, and it most likely would not be the relationship. I would probably put my classes on the line, or as a friend of mine said, not do worship school. Give me another 9 months to get adjusted to my job, finish classes for this year, finish my graduate assistantship for good, and be almost done with worship school, then maybe reevaluate the whole concept of a relationship. By this time next year hopefully I'll be full time employed.; I will only have two classes left to finish my Master's, but that will be done in a year (one class per semester); and I will only have maybe a week or two left of worship school. I will be ready for a relationship. I will be at the point where I'm ready to marry someone and devote my time to that person.


It's amazing how in such a short time everything changes. As I've said before, some change is frustrating and hard to get used to, but the other types of change are AMAZING and WONDERFUL and...well you get my point. As I'm going through both types of change, I am having to give it to God. He knows me better than I could ever know myself. I mean, come on, He created me. He is all-knowing. He knew the day I came into existence, and He knows the day I will leave this world. He also knows everything that will happen in between. I'm learning to live by the phrase: "Let go, and let God." If I just give it to Him, He will carry me through it. I'm so in awe of my Savior. As I face daily struggles, and every once and a while question, "why?" I'm brought back to the idea that God IS in control, and He only wants what is best for me. There is a reason for everything, which reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3:

1 To everything there is a season,

       A time for every purpose under heaven:

       2 A time to be born,

And a time to die;

      A time to plant,

And a time to pluck what is planted;

       3 A time to kill,

And a time to heal;

      A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

       4 A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

      A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

       5 A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

      A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

       6 A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

      A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

       7 A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

      A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

       8 A time to love,

And a time to hate;

      A time of war,

And a time of peace.

 9 What profit has the worker from that in which he labors? 10 I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

 12 I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, 13 and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God.

 14 I know that whatever God does,

      It shall be forever.

      Nothing can be added to it,

      And nothing taken from it.

      God does it, that men should fear before Him.

       15 That which is has already been,

      And what is to be has already been;

      And God requires an account of what is past.

I'm really honored to serve Jesus. He is my cornerstone. In Him, I have a hope and a future. In Him I live, move, and have my being. He is my everything!

All in God's timing

As I am writing this right now, I have to say I'm, once again, having to remind myself that God's timing is always perfect. Even though it may not happen when I want it to, I know I can't doubt His plan for my life. As of today, I am officially employed at a school district.. So, I will have my own group of students to work with. The job is only part time, right now, but it works perfect with the rest of my life. God is soooooo good!!! It's such a wonderful opportunity, and I can't wait to see how He'll grow me over the next year. I still have other things that are on the shelf, but I'm glad that I can say this one has become my reality. I'm just sooooo very excited!!!!

Gaining a new perspective

Gaining a new perspective means that I've learned a thing or two (or three or four..) about my life and my relationship with Jesus.

• Food is my worst and best friend all at the same time, haha...this one I had to throw in there because I'm a nervous eater...and it's SUPER annoying. So all the world (well those who live with me/spend a lot of time with me) can tell when I'm going through something that makes me nervous.
• Music somehow ALWAYS speaks to me.
• I hate when I have a break down, but at the same time, I have learned to appreciate it. It brings me back to reality. It brings me down to ground zero. It makes me realize how much I NEED my Maker. Without Him, I am NOTHING!! Literally, I am not worth anything. 
• I'm learning that the things you want the most are the things you have to fight the hardest for. If you give up, then you lose. That's exactly what the devil would like to see, defeat, but I HAVE to prove him wrong in every way, shape, and form.

So there's a little preview inside my thoughts, haha. 

My friend introduced me to this artist, Josh Garrels. His music is sooo very good. He is definitely talented. So just because, I'm posting one of them:

Putting it on the shelf and moving on

After going through a roller coaster of emotions last week, my life is finally settling back to normal...well whatever normal is. My feelings will never change, but I need to move on because otherwise it isn't healthy. So, I'm picking up where I left off; however, I WILL not act like things never happened. I'm glad it happened because it allowed me to gain a better perspective on my life and my relationship with God.

Remember when I said I received confirmation regarding the situation? Well, what happened? I heard from God, right? I KNOW I heard from God. However, I realized that I may have tried to rush things in my own time. Talking to a friend yesterday, I was reminded of Proverbs 16:9.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."

Wow, this describes me. I realized I fantasized what my life would look like come September. However, none of it came to pass. So, now I am in the process of questioning my priorities. I have decided to take that confirmation and just put it on the shelf. Maybe it wasn't for this time; maybe it's for a year from now; or maybe I'll find out that I misinterpreted it. I don't know exactly what God's plan is for my life, but I have to trust that His plan is perfect. I'm super excited to see how He's going to work in my life. I can't wait for this next chapter!

God is funny, literally

God has a hilarious sense of humor. I don't know what God has for my future regarding a job and relationships but I'm just trusting that His perfect will will be done.  These next few days and weeks will be hard, I am clearly aware of this. However, I serve a God who is always there, Jesus who is my friend and the Holy Spirit who will comfort me. Yes, this is a short post, but I just wanted to quickly jot down how I'm doing.

Oh and then this morning the verse that pops on my phone is Psalm 15:13. This verse couldn't have had any more perfect timing.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit."

Actually I was reading through the entire chapter, and it is very great for what I'm going through. That is, once again, another example why God is hilarious. He knows exactly what I need to hear, yet at times, I doubt Him. Even Ted Dekker's The Slumber of Christianity is perfect for what I'm facing. I LOVE how God works. His ways are mysterious, but His plan is perfect. I just have to keep reminding myself that.

Change is inevitable

I've been tear-free for over 24 hours, woot woot!! Haha...I'm extremely proud of myself, especially since I spent almost all day yesterday bawling. Long story short, the one situation I was praying about...well...it took an unexpected and drastic turn. If you didn't figure it out, it was regarding possibly pursuing a relationship with someone. I still am certain I heard God about it, but maybe it was just the wrong time. Maybe God wants me to get some priorities straight. However, at the moment, even though it was brought to a close (for now), I still have a weird feeling about it.


See, this person is going away for a very long time. I feel like I've lost a best friend. The fact that no relationship was happening was the least of my worries. I deeply care for this person because for the past year, he has been one of my closest friends. I actually didn't really see him as more until lately (although I just might have crushed on and off during the year). Anyway, I'm very concerned for him and what will be happening over the next year. He needs tons of prayer. He needs strength, peace, direction, and protection. However, I know God has a purpose. I mean look at what Jeremiah 29:11-13 has to say:


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"

God knows ALL our plans. I know that many people use Jeremiah 29:11. However, I realized as I was studying it that the best part is the two verses that follow. God wants US to seek HIM!! Jesus desires for us to have a relationship with Him. As we seek Him, He will reveal His plans for our lives. Remember, when we seek Him our desires align with His desires.


So in the meantime, I battled a lot with myself yesterday regarding whether God really existed. Yeah, it was short lived because there is no argument, He DOES EXIST!! However, I am slightly lost as to why the two situations, a job and a relationship, haven't come to pass. I've diligently followed Him for the past 22 1/2 years of my life. I tried to follow His plan for my life. I have kept myself pure, so pure to the point of never dating anyone. I'm ready for a job, and I'm reading for a relationship that pursues marriage. I really thought I heard from Him regarding the one thing, but look where I'm at.


At the church my brother attends, he put in a prayer request for me last night (all together, "awww, such a nice brother" haha). Peggy, the pastor of the church, told him (and my mom) a list of things to tell me that she was hearing from God. One of those things was that I DO hear from God. If that wasn't a slap in the face, I don't know what is. See, backtracking a little, I bawled my eyes out until reaching Hannah's doorstep last night and then put my feelings away. I was crying over why I thought I heard God about the situation but this happens and why I don't have my own classroom. I was lost and confused, which is why I doubted God. She and I studied God's love in 1 John 4, 1 Corinthians 13, and other various places. We talked about what it means to have a relationship with God. So, during that time I realized that I'm sooo stupid to even contemplate where God is in this picture of my life. He's there, but I need to seek Him. So, I get home and my brother and mom tell me what Peggy told them she was hearing from God. It was just a great reminder that I do serve a loving God who cares for me and has a brilliant plan for my life. I just need to trust Him.


I'm not going to lie and say I'm back to normal. I'm not. I keep myself distracted as a way to not think about the person. I mean I'm constantly praying, but I just want to cry for all the emotional turmoil this person will be facing in the coming year. However, I have to remember that God is going to bring divine justice into the situation, and I trust that He has a wonderful plan for this person's life.


Well I think that's all for now. God is truly stripping me down and forcing me to seek Him with my every breath.

Being renewed

After still doing more venting, as this is a new thing for me, I woke up to this uncanny peace. I woke up stronger. I still have slight urges to cry, mostly at night, but I'm finally coming to turns that I can't find pleasure in anything by Jesus Christ.

Right now I'm reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker, and even though I'm only in chapter 3, I can't believe how much this relates to me. Here is a quote from the book that I really connected with:

"The truth is: This life is powerless to satisfy our dreams of great happiness and pleasure. These dreams can be satisfied only in a mind-bending reality that awaits us in the next life. As long as Christians are asleep to this reality, they will search in vain for any lasting fulfillment...The fact is, nothing in this life can satisfy unless it is fully bathed in an obsession for eternity. Nothing. Not a purpose driven life, not a grand adventure, not the love of a dashing prince or the hand of beautiful maiden...These all will fail our need for unencumbered happiness. We will always be torn and frustrated, no matter how much rejoicing we do this side of death, unless we awaken a new passion for heaven on earth" (10-12).

I'm realizing I can't keep searching for those pleasures. I need to seek after the one pleasure that satisfies my everything, and that pleasure is Jesus Christ. The pleasures on earth are mere imitations of what is to come in eternity. Although I should relish the glimpse I get of heaven, I need to keep my eyes focused on the prize, with the prize being spending eternity with my Creator, my Father. I long for the day when I can stand before His throne, worshiping His holy name.

So, right now I'm TRYING to go back to the basics of just seeking God. The reasons I say TRYING is because time and again, I know I will be thinking of the two situations I've been facing. However, as I focus more on Jesus, the situations will work out. I can't force anything to happen. All I can do is leave it in His hands and hope for the things yet to come (Romans 8:25). I'm scared to let these things go because they've become a part of me over the past few months. I AM excited to wholeheartedly pursue, once again, my relationship with Christ. I'm excited to see how He makes everything work together for my good (Romans 8:28).

"You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes."

Being tested

So, this whole process is testing me but it...to be blunt, sucks! I haven't cried so much in my life. I, honestly, don't know how much longer I can handle it. The worst part is that I HAVE to handle it because I know I heard from God. However, it's super taxing on my emotions. To hold back tears while teaching is such a challenge. Thank goodness I'm on conference right now, haha.

Last night as I was spending time with God, I was reminded of Genesis 50:20.

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive."

I saw this scripture as something God was reminding me that the devil is trying to do in my life. He is testing me with the very thing I was dealing with: rejection. However, the devil has NO say. I will not let any form of rejection sneak back into my mind. I am FREE by the power of Jesus. God is going to use this time of my emotional break down to help me to rise stronger than ever. I don't know how, but I know that somehow, someway He will. So, I'm just trusting Him, as hard as that is.

Jesus makes me stronger. If I didn't have Him, I know for a fact I'd want to give up and run the other way. As I prefer not to give details, it really is emotionally attacking me so much that I just want to curl up in a hole and never speak to anyone. However, I'm going to keep trucking and put that smile on my face. I'm going to fix my eyes on Jesus and declare that I will be doused in His peace.

I have to remind myself that His love NEVER, EVER fails!! Through Him, ALL things ARE possible!! I also need to remind myself that it's not about me. It's about how can I bring Him glory through it. So, I have to find that little glimpse of hope and run with it, which reminds me of Romans 8:25: "But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

I think that's all my venting for now. I'm so very thankful that I serve a God that only wants the best for me. I just have to remember that all of this has a purpose, and I just need to trust that His plan is perfect.

Teardrops

No, I'm not singing or referencing, for that fact, a Taylor Swift song. However, I thought the title was fitting for my crazy emotions that I've had over the past few days. For those who know me know that I don't cry easy. Pretty much something has to seriously bury deep or really touch my heart in order for it to cause me to cry. I feel like I've been crying quite a bit during my time with God. I literally bawled for an hour yesterday in my alone time with God. Then, I heard a song this morning while I was on my way back from the gym that caused me start crying again. So, I decided to ask God why I had such a burden.

Here's what I found out, I wasn't crying for me. I was crying for someone else. I have a such a burden for someone that I know, and I know God has given me a burden to intercede for them. The worst part is not hearing from the person for a couple days. I know that there is so much this person is battling. I have absolutely NO IDEA how they are REALLY feeling; however, it's frustrating not hearing anything. However, I continue to let them know that I am praying for them and that I'm here to listen when they're ready. I'll just wait for them until they are ready to talk. In the meantime, I will continue to intercede for them, even if this means that I experience this new thing of crying during my time with God.

I have to say I'm glad to realize that I'm not depressed; however, this burden to intercede is something that is new for me. My mom was and still is always one to get heavy burdens for people and cry and intercede. I'm used to seeing it, not experiencing it. God has definitely been challenging me to learn a new way of walking with Him.

Life isn't always easy

So time to make a confession, I've been under the bubble that I always found life to be fairly easy. God has truly blessed me into a wonderful family where I didn't struggle with anything too extravagant. However, these past few days has opened my eyes that I've been living under this bubble WAY TOO LONG. Currently, I have reached this wall with both job hunt and relationships. 


I have been crying on and off today, and this is SOOOO not like me. I'm not typically that girly girl that cries on the drop of a dime. Actually, it's rare for me to cry at sappy movies. However, I guess when it's your life, it's different. The human mind is a brilliant thing; however, sometimes I tend to find myself wondering why it is such a brilliant thing. I try my best not to get my heart and mind ahead of a situation, but I guess deep down I visualize things to happen a certain way. For example, I truly thought I would have my own classroom and be salary employed in a district by the start of the school year. Well, school officially starts Tuesday, and I'm still subbing. However, I'm super blessed to at least be a permanent sub. So, I'm thankful for a full time job. 


It really makes me question what God's plan is for my life. I had this perfect image in my mind of what my life would like by the end of September. Right now, I'm in such a slump where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I guess I'm facing a bout of slight depression.


Regarding one situation, I know I received multiple confirmations; however, it is the most complicated thing right now. I will never question God about whether I heard right because I KNOW I DID! However, it's definitely being tested, and it's testing me to my very core. I never knew these types of emotions and feelings existed in me. 


For example as for the confirmation that I keep receiving, here is a story of something that happened this past week. On Thursday night I was troubled regarding something, and that night God gave me a dream. In my dream, I was trying to figure out the chords to "Your Love Never Fails" by Jesus Culture. I was able to get the chords figured to the line "You make all things work together for my good" BUT I couldn't seem to figure out the rest. As I slowly worked away at figuring it out, I finally did. This ended my dream. As I was talking to my mom the next morning, she interpreted the dream for me. Backtracking a second, I knew that the line "You make all things work together for my good" was something that I needed to hear. However, my mom figured that the part where I was trying to figure out the chords was a replica of how I'm trying to figure out my life. As I diligently worked at figuring the chords out and finally getting it, this is an example of how I should diligently pursue those desires God has given because as I do they will finally fit into my life like puzzle pieces. However it gets better. I walk into church this morning and the song they play is "Your Love Never Fails." Immediately, I began crying. God just reminded me that I need to continue to follow those desires He has given me.


Well, I guess it's "Welcome to Adulthood"!! I really just want to excommunicate myself from the world and slip away into a deep time with God. I need answers. I want to know why I'm being challenged to my core. I know they say when something wonderful is going to happen, it's like a women giving birth. Before the wonderful miracle is birthed, she has to go through labor pains. These few things are taking a toll on me, emotionally. Jesus is the only person I can turn to right now, and you know what, that's the most wonderful thing of it all.


As I was in church this morning, the following part of Psalm 28 was said during worship. It totally spoke to my heart (&&& of course I cried):

6 Praise be to the LORD,

   for He has heard my cry for mercy.

7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;

   my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.

I feel as if my life is pre verse 6. I'm in the process of crying for mercy and God's favor to be revealed in my life. There's more, but I'm not comfortable with sharing it on the blog. All I can say is that I'm learning to intercede hard core. I've always interceded for people, but I'm taking it up a notch (well a million notches) for one particular situation. God's divine justice, mercy, and favor needs to come through in one situation (that's not mine).


Anyway, I think that's all for now. I'm just focusing on my relationship with God and praying for peace and wisdom.