One year ago on this day, my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother passed away. I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I loved her then and I still love her to this day. The hardest part of it all is seeing how much my life has changed since then and that I can't share in these new memories with her.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to think about it (let alone write about it) but my one wish was for my grandmother to see me get married. Unfortunately, I will never have the pleasure of her sharing in that momentous day when it does come. Now, I know that comment may sound like I'm mad at God. I'm not; don't take that the wrong way. I know God always has a better purpose. And, towards the end, my grandma was very much in pain. To see someone in pain makes you want to see them in pain no longer. So I am full of joy to know that my grandma is no longer in pain and gets to partake in everything that heaven has to offer. However, I greatly miss getting to share with her what is going on in my life, from missions to dancing to the new adventure I'm on with my boyfriend.
Sometimes I wished I could hold on to those moments when she was alive just a little longer. I want to hear her speak just one more time. I want to hear her laugh just one more time. Most of all, I just want to hear her call my name and say "I love you."
I know God only gives us a set amount of time to live on this earth, but many times people forget to cherish those moments. I'm glad God allowed me to have such a close relationship with my grandma. I am beyond blessed that she was one of my greatest supporters and greatest confidants.
I can't wait until the day that I am reunited with her in heaven.
And to say I got through writing this entire post without crying would be a lie. There is probably one tear for every word on this page. Even though I clearly miss her like crazy, I celebrate in the fact that she has a new life with Jesus.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
As another door closes...
...another one opens. Or at least that's what everyone says. However, I'm still waiting for that to happen. Today, I walked out of the doors of the high school I was working at for the past two and a half years for the last time. Being told in November that my position was being terminated, I thought I had plenty of time to land another job in something similar to what I felt God gave me a passion to do. Unfortunately, that has not happened. I went to interview after interview but nothing has come from it (at least not yet), except for interview experience.
So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.
The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.
Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.
Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.
As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.
"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.
The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.
Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.
Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.
As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.
"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
Friday, January 3, 2014
2013: A Year in Review
To say this year has been my most "interesting" year thus far would probably be an understatement. It has been filled with many hardships; however, God has poured out his blessings and shown up in those tough situations...and is still showing up.
My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.
As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.
Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.
From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.
Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.
I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.
For this coming year, I have the following goals:
My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.
As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.
Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.
From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.
Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.
I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.
For this coming year, I have the following goals:
- Continually develop my relationship with God; seek after His face and to know Him more intimately; trust Him completely; and pursue His heart.
- Obtain a new job, one that God has set aside for me.
- Grow deeper in my relationship with my family and Gabe.
- Regularly go to the gym ;) - yeah, winter weather made me lose any drive to keep going once it hit in November.
- Be a Godly example to the young people I interact with.
- Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom.
Well that's all I can think of for now...
Here's to a fresh start in 2014. I can't wait to see what kind of doors God opens and how He uses me for His glory this coming year.
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