I know this sounds like a strange thing to talk about, but it's everything God has been dealing with me. I'm sooo stupid and didn't realize He's been trying to have me let go of all the rejection I have been through. I felt like something was hindering my relationship and something was definitely causing me to have an attitude, but I never would have figured that was the problem.
If you look back on my posts or talked to me, God has been focusing me on this concept of love. I just thought it was because He was reminding me of His awesome, amazing, and relentless love. However, He was doing more than just that. He was trying to bring me to this idea of the rejection that I never dealt with. I thought I never let those things bother me, but deep down inside, tucked way in the back, I felt rejected in many areas, and I would avoid situations because I didn't want to be rejected.
God didn't create me to feel this way. Think of how everyday, millions of people reject Jesus and blasphemy His name, but He does not let it bother Him. I want to be that way. I want to be so in tune with God and His plan for my life that I do not let the petty things of this earth bother me.
As my mom and I were talking, she urged me to figure out what was causing this change in my attitude. I spent that entire day consulting God about it, but I didn't seem to hear anything. However, Hannah and I had a girls night that night, and we were doing some venting/sharing. Afterward, we decided to pray together. While we were praying I heard God tell me to let go of the spirit of rejection and walk in newness with Him. At that moment I started crying because instantly I felt as if a burden was taken off my shoulders and I was free. I shared with my mom what God revealed to me and more crying ensued. Ever since then, I feel like a completely different person. In a way, it's like I'm walking on air. I won't share the details of what caused me to take on this spirit of rejection because it is unnecessary. However, I will share that because of the amazing love of Jesus, I am free and loved!!
That night, as I went home and spent some more alone time with Jesus, I was reminded of Jeremiah 31:3.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."
Going back to this idea of love, it's unreal! I really do serve a God who only wants the best for me. I serve a God who loves me unconditionally. I serve a God who draws me into a relationship with Him. How could I not want that? Every person is hardwired to receive love and give love. Why not set those emotions and feelings towards the One who died for my sins, the One who created me, and the One who is always with me, living inside me?
Lord, You won't relent until You have it all, so here is my heart!
I have been going through quite a bit lately, and there has been a lot of changes in my life. However, I'm right now at the point in my life where I'm trying to figure out why I seem to react a certain way in conversations with my mom and brother. Part of it is the fact that I'm still trying to adjust everything. I hate getting challenged (or more-or-less being told that my thinking/beliefs are inaccurate) and I tend to get a slight attitude. Essentially, I need an attitude adjustment.
I'm slightly frustrated about the whole job situation. Yes, I'm completely trusting God, but the fact that the start of school is nearing, I think I'm internally stressing. I definitely bottle my emotions up, and I hate sharing how I'm feeling. However, this can be a detriment in some situations.
Also, even though I received my confirmation about "the situation," I'm fretting about the other end of it. The possible close to this is coming nearer, and I'm not sure what to expect.
I know that when I stress out about situations it comes through the form of how I react to my mother and brother in conversations. So, if I'm irked by something small my brother might say, I might overreact causing an argument in what could have been a peaceful situation if I just ignored it and gave it to God.
However, I realize that God says to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). God actually says a lot about worry. To worry is to not trust God. It also puts my thinking in the wrong direction. Here are a few other verses that I'm learning to apply to my life:
"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you.'" Isaiah 35:4
"Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:25-34
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
I'm trying to seek God harder and harder because it puts my focus back on Him rather than the situations I'm currently facing. I'm trying my best to put all my cares on Him because ultimately He is my provider. Every outcome is a part of His perfect plan, and if I received a confirmation about how a situation will end up, I just need to trust God that He gave me this confirmation and that it WILL turn out that way.
Thanks for listening to me express what I'm thinking about. Sometimes I just need to get it out there in order to work through it. Talking it out can be a challenge because it always sounds better in my head. However, hammering it out on a keyboard really helps me to process through it.
So it's been two weeks since my last post. Gosh, that seems like FOREVER!!! However, I have to say that during this break I've grown a lot and I've learned a lot. Last week I had the most amazing opportunity to attend the Jesus Culture Awakening 2011 conference in Chicago, IL. I heard amazing speakers, but the best part was the totally anointed worship. On the very last night the music stopped and it was over 15,000 voices praising Jesus, like no other, for almost 40 minutes. If that was a glimpse of heaven, I SERIOUSLY cannot wait for the worship that will take place when I get there.
The first that God's been dealing with me: the prodigal son. Okay, I'm not the prodigal son, but my brother came back to the Lord after having being away for quite some time. Praise Jesus!!! He's soooo on fire for God that it's amazing!! I couldn't be happier. But here was my dilemma, remember the brother in the prodigal son?
“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ 28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. 29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’ 31 “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. 32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15: 25-32)
Well, I felt like this was me. I was always that "good-girl Christian" that was always there and tried to always do my best. Now that my brother was back in the picture, I had to take the backseat. I wasn't okay with this. I guess, in a way, I was set with how my life was. I liked it being just me and my mom. Well, now my brother had to go and change things up. However, did he really change things up or did I just make it seem that way? After careful time with God I noticed two things: unforgiveness and jealousy. Before Jesus Culture, I realized I never forgave my brother for all the things from the past. Forgiveness is a serious issue. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Think about it. This is some serious stuff. If I don't forgive others, God can't forgive me. I also believe this is why my relationship with God was at a stand still. So before I left for Chicago, I forgave him. Wow, what a relief!! Because of that, I believe that I was able to receive so much from the conference and got soooo much confirmation.
However, when I came back I thought everything was fine and dandy, until I cracked again. After spending time with God and trying to figure out the root of the problem, I came to the conclusion that I was jealous. I'm sure you're thinking jealous of what....well I was actually jealous of my brother's testimony. God delivered him from sooooooo much and he's going to be able to use that to bring soooooooo many people to Christ. On top of that, my brother has such a boldness. It's been like that our entire life. I was on the more timid side but he wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking. I, on the other hand, was thinking "how can I relate to people if I've never experienced that." However, after talking with my mom, my mom brought to my attention that God has a different purpose of each one of us. God will use what He has given us to bring Him glory. Going back to Francis Chan's quote from Crazy Love I guess I just needed to get over myself. It isn't about me. It's about Him, the Creator of the Universe, the One who made me to bring glory to His name.
So along the lines of jealousy, God recently dealt (and is still dealing) with me about this whole idea of comparison. During the Jesus Culture conference there was conversation regarding make-up and crying...yes, you guessed it, two girls were talking, haha. But, seriously, as we, girls, were getting ready one person made a comment that we should not put make-up on because we'll be crying during worship. I stopped to think about it. I don't cry during worship. Then I got slightly frustrated and began to wonder why don't I cry during worship. Am I not encountering God because I don't cry? I mean I can seriously probably count on my two hands how many times I've cried during worship. So, God really had to deal with me about this issue. God brought to my attention Psalm 16:11, "In Your presence is fullness of joy. At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." I realized that I always laugh in His presence. I get such joy being in His presence that I beam from ear-to-ear and sometimes laugh uncontrollably. You know what, people encounter God's presence differently. I am proud to say that I get so full of joy when I am in His presence.
I've made it thus far that I might as well make one more point before calling it a night. Remember that situation I've been seeking God about??!!?? Well, I got my confirmation at Jesus Culture. Five weeks ago, I secretly hoped that I would get a confirmation at the conference. However, I forgot about it and focused my eyes on Jesus. Then it was the first session of the last day and one of the people on stage was praying for people who want to be active in both the business world and the ministry. Then in the middle of his prayer, he received a word from God saying that there was at least one person that had a gut feeling regarding a situation and that God is telling him to say that they need to go with their gut. It is the plan God has for them. Well, this impacted me in two ways. 1. I love teaching, but I also love leading worship. I always said I would love to do both, if God would allow it. So, this was awesome to hear because teaching=business and worship=ministry. 2. I had a gut feeling regarding the situation. As soon as the person speaking said that, I felt like I was called out. It was like one of those moments where you feel like a spotlight was pointed directly on you and the whole world is staring at you. So, I'm confident I got my answer. There's just the other side I'm waiting on to receive the same confirmation. BUT I'm completely trusting God because if He gave me this revelation, I know He will give the same type of revelation to the other person.
I'm SOOOOOO EXCITED to see what God has in store for me. He's still dealing with me on a lot of things, and it is a total cleansing process. The song that has REALLY been hitting home is "Break Every Chain" by Will Reagan and United Pursuit. This worship song was done at the conference, and I've fallen in love with it. It's soooooo simple yet has sooooo much meaning. Hope it ministers to you like it has me.
