I don't understand...

...and probably never will. Yesterday (Christmas day), a very dear and close friend of mine's father passed away. I am in shock. I am in tears. As I was close with the entire family, I know that her dad went to be with Jesus, which is such a wonderful comfort knowing we will all see him again in that day of glory. However, I just don't understand why it all happened the way it did. Sometimes thing just don't seem fair, at least according to my eyes, but I know God sees it differently.

Sitting at the table with mom talking about how it just doesn't seem fair and bringing me to tears, I expressed why do good people with wonderful relationships with Jesus have to leave this earth and why is God keeping around people who are fickle and/or lukewarm. It makes me long for that day of glory that much more, but it also makes my heart break at where this world is headed. My mom brought up something one of her best friends had said a long time ago regarding this very topic. She stated that she believes God is leaving those fickle people around to have time to really figure out their relationship with Jesus. Okay, so that makes sense. But still...

During these moments, it makes me treasure my friends and family, but most of all, it makes me really appreciate that I have been so lucky to grow up in a family that introduced me to Jesus at an early age. I cherish my relationship with Christ.

"One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple." -Psalm 27:4

I melt in Your presence

Lately, I've been confused and unsure regarding some situations. No matter what people tell me or suggest to me, I'm left more perplexed than ever. As I sit at home by myself, I've had a lot of time to just reflect on my life and God's goodness. I know that sometimes waiting and this virtue of patience is a challenge. Countless times have I breached the waiting period and did what I thought was right. Unfortunately, it's come  back and slapped me in the face...and harder than I would have ever expected. Obviously, I just pick up the pieces and move on.

However, I've done this to some "touchy" situations and I believe I've left myself numb to take any chances or even bother. I've realized that sometimes I would rather live in my current moment rather than go forward. I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm afraid to put myself out there.

Honestly, though, these are the moments were I become very frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Other days, I wished I could backtrack a year and a half ago. Then there are those times were I just wished I could live that present moment over and over. Where am I at right now?? Honestly, I don't know. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the future. In a way, I'm completely and totally scared as to what my life will look like ten years from now. I'm afraid of moving out of God's will. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm listening to my heart and not His. Many times, I just want to fall a part in His presence because that is the only place I know I am safe.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to "The More I Seek You," as sung by Steffany Frizzell, and crying. I'm crying because I have just melted in God's presence. I talk all the time about getting an unreal douse of the Holy Spirit and just soaking it up by being in His presence. I know this song backwards and forwards. I've even used it when leading worship, but it was highlighted at this very moment that His presence is what gives me peace. It is where I break down and can just be me. I don't have to make an impression for anyone because who I am is just about glorifying Jesus. How UNBELIEVABLE is that?!?!?!

I serve this awesome God who loves me more in a moment than I would EVER be loved in a lifetime. I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3:17). I am saved by His steadfast love (Psalm 31:16). I can love others because God loves me (1 John 4:7-8). I am loved by God because I diligently seek His face (Proverbs 8:17).  I want God to pull me closer and take me deeper. I want to know His heart and want to melt away in His presence. As I know that these coming months and years will hold many challenges, it is such a comfort to know that I serve this awesome God who will never stop loving me.

Being stretched

I'm half way through the fall semester of  grad classes and already half way through first semester of teaching at the high school. Where has the year gone?!?! I can't believe I'm less than 3 short weeks away from Thanksgiving and less than 7 weeks from Christmas. It is unreal that 2012 is almost over. In a way, I'm relieved that it is and can't wait to see what 2013 will hold. I love the idea of new beginnings. It reminds me what Isaiah 43:18-19 has to say: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.

Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.

Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]

Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).

Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.

"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).

You have won my heart

So I got a text from a friend of mine from Ghana a few days...yes, as in Ghana, Africa. We met while I was in Zambia and thanks to technology have been able to stay connected. He is such a blessing in my life, as he is so passionate about his relationship with Jesus. Anyway, one day he just asked me the following: "What has the Lord been teaching you?" I had to think and reflect...what has God really been teaching me?

Over the last month, God has been just pouring out and displaying His amazing love, whether it is through scripture, action, or song. People who really know me know that I am always questioning whether I'm following the will of God. Sometimes it can tend to leave me...well...a bit distressed. ;) I'm so honored to be where I am at, but it is that unknown future that scares me...literally. Sometimes, all I need is God to just surround me with His love to calm me down.

However, how many people can say that they are 100% confident in their future (how it will turn out) and can number their days? Honestly, I don't think one person REALLY can. As I was talking with a friend of mine today, one who's married, we were talking about the "game" of relationships between guys and girls. Her comment was how she was glad that she was married because she really doesn't miss the game of trying to figure out if a guy was trying to pursue her...as the way guys think and girls think is SO VERY DIFFERENT! Sometimes I wished I could read a guys true motives...seriously! All selfish ambitions aside, you have no idea how much this would even help with teaching junior and senior boys.

Okay, so how is this related to my original thought process? Well, God is continually reminding me that He is the only one that has not only won my heart but keeps it close to His. He is also the one that is in control.

Struggling to fall asleep one night last week, I decided to turn on my iPod. The song that comes on, as I'm trying to shut my mind off is "Song of Love" by Jaye Thomas. It totally broke my heart right at that moment. I realized God truly holds my heart in His hands. The best part of it all is that God's love for me makes me want to pursue harder after Him. I truly want to sit at His feet and hear His heart beat.

As I was texting with my friend from Ghana, he wrote the following to me: "You should always remember that you are a great lady...God is nearer to you more than you can think of. Just as Deborah [had a] huge responsibility and anointing, so you are." It was so what I needed to hear. However, I didn't really know I needed it until I read it. God has such perfect timing. His perfect timing is always a reminder that He cares for me and not only has He won my heart but He is continually pursing to win my heart.

To close, two verses are brought to mind as I finish this post:

• “I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:1-2)

• “I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)

I am just so honored to serve a God who loves me with a fiery passion. I am blessed that He takes the time to display and remind me of His love for me. God is just so good!

Here is the song that started the thought process regarding God's love for me. :)

Avoidance

I've learned that avoidance is a great technique, haha. Okay, not really. It is actually a horrible thing that I deploy when I know I need to do something, like read a book that I have to teach or write on this blog. Actually I've really been trying to figure out how to write this post since almost 3 weeks ago. I've written it out in my head during those nights I have a hard time falling asleep because I have too much on my mind or when I'm either going for a run or taking the dog for a walk. Mostly in those quiet moment where I have time to think.

About three weeks after coming back from Africa, I was, after too much time a part, finally able to talk to a really good friend who lives in Chicago. This friend of mine also had the chance to do mission work the first two weeks of July in Brazil. He's my friend that I can always rely on to make things deep. In other words, I always have EXTREMELY meaningful conversations with him, which I greatly appreciate.

It, honestly, took me two weeks to get out of a bout of severe depression. I've never really been majorly depressed, at least not like this. It wasn't the "I'm so depressed. I hate my life." It was depression related to trying to figure out and apply everything I brought back with me from Africa. I am still very real about being open to relocate to Africa. I understand that I am stationed here in America for a few more years, but after that point, I am open to going where God needs me. Truthfully, I would love to open an orphanage.

Okay, so back to why I mentioned the conversation with my friend. After he came back from his mission trip, we discussed our experiences, what we learned, what we saw, etc. Once we shared stories about our trips, we began talking about how it related to our relationship with Jesus and how it impacted our Christian lives. Both of us realized how casual Christians are here in American, and probably most Third World countries. Actually for me, it was VERY frustrating, and I realized that is what was causing most of my depression. My heart was aching for the lukewarm Christians that lived in America and the fact that the heart of America has been buried by materialism and selfish desires.

During our conversation, we came to the conclusion that the problem with Christians in America is that many of them have not had a true encounter with Jesus and don't understand what it means to really have a relationship with Him. I realized that the people who were passionate Christ followers in Africa were just that, PASSIONATE! I'm not saying all Christians aren't passionate, but anymore it seems that it is like finding a needle in a haystack.

There was one thing that my friend said that has seemed to stick with me since then. He said that my experience in Africa is much like how our relationship with Christ should be. Before traveling to Africa, I knew all about where I was going and what it was going to be like. I wasn't shocked as to what I was walking into. I knew that it was going to be a Third World country and the traditional American way of living was practically royalty there. However, I didn't expect how much I would want to be there rather than in America. Once I experienced it, all I could do was dream of being there, and I couldn't stop talking about it or thinking about it.

Our Christian walk is much like this. Many people know of everything the Bible has to say. Many people also know of all the "Christian" ways. However, what many people don't understand is the experience factor. Once you have a true encounter with God, a person couldn't think of living life any other way. After that encounter all they think about is being with Jesus and communing with Him. It turns into a love relationship; however, before that it wasn't a relationship at all. It was just a bunch of facts stored in the brain.

I want my relationship with Jesus to be my main passion. More than anything, I want others to have that true encounter with God and desire to have a relationship with Christ. It breaks my heart to see so many people living a casual Christian lifestyle. I know sometimes I can fall in this category, but I am so glad God quickens my heart to desire to live out the Great Commission, as stated in Matthew 28:18-20, and passionately pursue Him.

Back from Zambia

Well, I would be lying if I said that I am glad to be home. I am happy to see my family, but I would move to Africa in a second. I always felt like a part of me was over there, as it was my dream to go. However, I didn't realize how hard it would be coming back. The trip was absolutely amazing! Enjoyed doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about it.

My passion has always been to adopt children. You can see that it is on my bucket list. Now that I've spent time with many children and many orphans, my heart has been completely broken. I would adopt in a second. I completely fell in love with one particular child, Chisenga. Chisenga is about 6...although his actual age is a guesstimate. I wouldn't think twice about adopting him. Unfortunately, America's requirement is 25 years of age. Here's to the countdown of turning 25.

Here's a picture of me and Chisenga:

Going to Africa has changed me. It has made me realize how selfish and self-centered Americans are. It's made me realize that the materials things don't matter. Honestly, I hate being back. Yes, I missed my family, but I was so happy being in Africa. The people are so different. They are so happy and appreciate everything they have, which is next to nothing. They also appreciate their relationship with Jesus and walk with God. Their most treasured item seems to be a Bible.

It seems that in desperate situations people in America seek God. If we were desperate all the time, would this mindset change to pursuing God 24/7?

I cannot wait to go back. I am just trusting God because He has the perfect plan and the perfect timing.

That time of year

It seems to be that time of year where I am doing a lot of reflecting on where I've been over the past couple years, how I've changed, and where my life seems to be headed. A year ago I was sitting at a different high school being a long-term sub for an English, Child Development, and Nutrition classroom. I thought for sure the only high school I would want to teach at was that one. I was also interested in someone, and I thought the idea of being in a relationship would be the greatest thing. My life is not even a glimpse of what it was a year ago.


As for my "love" life  (or should I say non-existent love life), here is all that happened in a year, and I couldn't be more happy where I am at right at this moment. Fortunately that interest that I had a year ago quickly went away within just a few weeks because I realized it wasn't what God wanted, but then someone else popped into the picture unexpectedly. To start, that was complicated and I fell for it, which was stupid on my part. After a few months of having my heart intertwined with something that wasn't even there, I was taken by surprise with another person. However, I quickly ended anything before it started because I clearly let my emotions get in the way. Plus, we were VERY different on every level. The funny part is that even knowing this person for two years I thought I knew him. I guess it can take a long time to learn things about people, even when you thought you knew them inside and out. In a way, it's quite scary and it's made me realize that I will be approaching relationships from an extremely different angle. Oh well, I don't regret it because it made me realize how important I am, and if I were ever to get married I deserve someone who treats me like a queen. I've worked very hard to get where I am, and I want someone who has all the same ambitions in mind, someone who is compatible with me, and someone who has this amazing relationship with Jesus. So, to close this section of my life, I have to be completely honest in saying that I'm happy being single. I'm happy with it being just me and Jesus. In a way, I have a wonderful love life...just in a different way.


In regards to my job, I was so off as to what I thought I wanted. I, honestly, thought I would never be working in the special education field. I thought I was burnt out. I loved being an English teacher. However, God rocked my world when I was given the opportunity to work as a special education teacher at a high school that was quite a distance from the school I wanted to work at. You know what, this position has reacquainted me with my love for working in the special education field. Plus, I have been given so many more opportunities working here. Yes, I have learned a lot of patience and trusting God, but it has been an amazing experience. To be trained in reading strategies and to be able to develop an English Resource curriculum, are just a few of the amazing ways I have been blessed. So not only have I been reintroduced to my love for special education but I am now going to be experiencing teaching English to special education students. This is literally my dream job. How cool is God!


As for my schooling...well, I really wished I was done BUT I have been blessed in many different ways. I am very glad my Master's program is coming to a close. I'm excited about the topic I will writing my final project on and I'm am even more excited that I am working with my first choice for my advisor. With the ASD program, I would be lying if I said I have always to do it. Honestly, I said I would NEVER go for my ASD endorsement. Well, I'm seriously learning to never say never. I am so glad that the college I am at for my Master's is willing to work with me. The plus side is that the program is cheaper and the department is working with my prior experience.


Lastly, Africa. I couldn't be more excited to go to Africa. I feel like there is a huge part of me that belongs there. I can't wait to work with the kids to teach them swing dancing and jump rope. I am also blessed to be able to work with the other amazing 32 people that are going. It will be quite an experience, and I can't wait to document all my adventures while I am there.


Well, I think that gives a general summation of my life and how it's changed. I'm at this place in my life where God has just really shown me that even though I may not get my desires right at the moment I want them, He has His mysterious way of allowing it to all work out at some point, whether it be the next day or a few years down the road. This just reminds me of two scripture verses. These verses make me remember that God is in control, and He really only wants what is best for me.


"A man's heart plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." (Psalm 37:4-5).

The sun is shining through the clouds

My posting has been next to nothing. I've been spending a little more time on my educational blog for my graduate class, and with so much going on, I haven't had a chance to just sit down and type. Well, I've realized that even though I encounter frustrating moments, the sun always ends up shining through. My life has been great these past two weeks, but it has taken me quite a while to realize why my emotions can feel like they are on a roller coaster.

A couple weekends ago, I went through a real slump. I was literally battling with my identity. I was constantly getting into arguments with my mom, and I was having a hard time just coming home to my family every day. I just wanted to move out and find my own place...ALONE! However, after spending a weekend with this one person that I've known for quite a few years, I realized that every time I conversed or spent time with this person I become frustrated, irritated, and depressed, along with many other angry emotions. When I broke away from the relationship by avoiding contact, I felt and feel so much better. As much as it is hard to do, I've realized this person is draining and taxing on my emotions, and I need to be around people that are uplifting and leave me wanting to spend more time with them.

People have been trying to tell me it for a couple years, but I just kept pushing them aside because I didn't think it was true. However, after whatever spiritual attack I had that weekend, I realized I couldn't handle it any longer. Jesus is my only joy, but I was far from feeling joyful a couple weeks ago. As I've been mostly to myself and my family these past couple weeks I've realized how much more joy I have. I love my life. I love my relationship with Christ. I love my job and am sooooo excited to see how God is going to open doors next year. I love where I'm at in my education with my MA program and ASD endorsement. I am BEYOND excited for Zambia. I even love that God allows me the opportunity to go swing dancing, which is my favorite thing to do outside of church, work, school, and family. I also love and appreciate that I have an amazing family that always support me and a small group of wonderful friends that have similar interests and aspirations.

Overall, I'm just blessed at how much God has been revealing to me. Even though sometimes it can be painful to let things go, I know it is for the best. Here are three verses that I've been reading:

• "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." (Matthew 5:6)
• "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (Psalm 46:10)
• "And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." (Hebrews 6:11-12)

Not being moved

I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened. So much is happening. My mind is like a crazy whirlwind. Some of it good, but some if it semi-emotionally taxing.

On an exciting note, I've found out that I will be spending two weeks in Africa this year doing mission work. You have NO idea how anxious I am to get over there. It is exactly what I've been praying for. God is opening that door for me to fulfill my desire to not only go on a mission trip out of the country but to go to Africa, my dream country. I know it sounds funny to call it my dream country, but my largest dream and desire has been to do mission work in Africa. I have always felt like a part of my heart is in Africa, and it's just waiting for me to go there.

However, it was a slightly emotional process waiting to find out if I was going. For those of you who have read my blog, I constantly battle with whether or not what I hear is actually God's voice. Especially after that little "fling" thing and some other situations, I'm always concerned if what I'm hearing is my own voice or God's voice. It's not that I doubt God's voice, but I doubt my ability to discern.

Anyway, after I felt like God told me to apply to Zambia, I was concerned that I wouldn't be accepted, as they only had 25 seats but 35+ people applied. My mom made a point that if it was really meant to be I would be accepted. Well, this past Saturday is when I received the call that I was selected to go. Phew! What a relief to know I heard God's voice. But I hate that I doubt that I'm hearing Him.

One of the other things I was praying about was pursuing a teaching endorsement in autism (ASD). I thought I heard God give the go ahead to pursue it, but after a couple weeks of uncertainty between two programs and debating the monetary part of it, I was concerned I didn't really hear God's voice. However, after just leaving it on the shelf for about a week, I received a call from the head advisor at my Alma Mater, and he spent a good chunk of time going over how the program would be specialized for me. So, I met with him in person and put together a plan. He presented my "special" case before the ASD advisory board, and I was approved last week. I love these little reminders that I AM and DO hear God's voice.

As for those moments of being slightly emotionally taxing, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future. I know...BAD IDEA!! But, it's an okay thing. Honest! A friend of mine just recently became engaged. I'm SOOOO happy that she has found the love of her life. Although, I knew two years ago that they would end up being together...it just took them a little while longer to figure that out. However, I realized it made me go into this funk, but I couldn't figure out why. Could I be jealous? No, I didn't think that was it, and after much consideration, it DEFINITELY was not. So what was it?

I guess I realized that I was frustrated with myself that I didn't fit the stereotypical mold of finishing college, getting married, and raising a family. However, I've really realized that I may never get married. And you know what? I'm perfectly okay and content with that. I've come to accept that I am satisfied with being single the rest of my life. The only thing I will ever need is Jesus. He is my one true love, and no earthly love will ever be able to compare to His. After saying all of this, I have become greatly encouraged by Psalm 16:8: "I have set the Lord always before me: because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved." It reminds me that the Lord has the best plan for me. No matter what I do, as long as I put Him into every decision, I will not be moved. My relationship with Christ is the only unwavering thing I can rely on. As Paul says in 2: Corinthians 4:18: "[We] do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." My goal is heaven, not all the pleasures and achievements I can receive here on earth. Although, I am not discounting these at all because I still have earthly goals, such as buying a house, earning my doctoral degree, etc. However, it just reminds me that whatever I do, I do for the glory of God.

So what does this all boil down to? I am content with where God has placed me, and I am content with trusting Him to lay out my future. He has the best plan, and no matter how hard I may try to make my own future, I just have to remind myself that He created me for a specific purpose. I need to trust His purpose for my life.

Courting, dating, relationships...blah, blah, blah

I said in my previous post that I would bring up the topic of what really IS courting. I’ve talked about “courting” loosely throughout my posts but never really went into detail about what my definition of it is and how it applies to dating, relationships, marriage, etc. Take a second to think what comes to mind when you hear the word “courting.”

Here’s what I think:

• Old-fashion
• 6 inch rule
• Little to no physical contact
• No dating
• Never alone
• Parents always involved

The list could go on. I will argue that courting is an "old-fashion" term. However, the other items I listed to define courting are really a matter of preference and vary from family to family.

The term, courting, has been around for some time. For example it appears in literary works dating back to the 1600’s, such as Fayre Mayde of Exchange (1607), Joseph Hall's Resolution and Divers Practicall Cases of Conscience in Continuall Use Amongst Men (1649), and Sir E. Nicholas’ The Nicholas Papers: Correspondence of Sir E. Nicholas (1655). The Oxford English Dictionary defines courting as such: “The paying of courteous attention, in order to win favour or love; paying addresses, wooing.” Oh, just an FYI – no, my spelling is not inaccurate. The spellings are Renaissance, European spellings. Just get rid of the desire to fix my conventions and continue reading.

Okay, let me dig deeper because I personally hate when the term being defined shows up in the definition itself (i.e. courteous is used to define courting). If you didn’t understand the word to begin with, it just complicates the matter that much more. So, what does “courteous” mean? Courteous, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, has to do with “having such manners as befit the court of a prince; having the bearing of a courtly gentleman in intercourse with others; graciously polite and respectful of the position and feelings of others; kind and complaisant in conduct to others.” Now that “courting” has been defined, let’s take its meaning and apply it to modern-day relationships.

The assumption with courting is that many times dating is not involved or that dating is something that is entirely different. This is both accurate and inaccurate. Well, I guess I realized I wasn’t done with the vocab lesson. Let’s look at the history of the word. The word “date” did not first appear until around the late 1800’s, with one of its first emergences being in 1876 in George Meredith’s The Letters of George Meredith. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as follows: “An appointment or engagement at a particular time, frequently with a person of the opposite sex; a social activity engaged in by two persons of opposite sex.” So is dating equivalent to courting? Not technically. Dating is to go out on an engagement with someone of the opposite sex. It does not necessarily mean the guy is trying to win the girl’s love. However, my follow up question would be, is dating involved in courting? Yes, most definitely! Remember, the purpose of courting is to win the girl’s love or woo her. Taking a girl out on a date is expression of showing her “courteous attention.” What girl DOESN’T want this?!

Honestly, I hate the term “in a relationship.” It just sounds funny. Did you not have a relationship with the person before classifying the relationship as “in a relationship”? In all technicality, yes. However, our modern-day language has come to use this term as “seriously” dating someone...which I guess would realistically be courting them since it’s “serious.” Okay, I’m going to move on because I feel as if I’m going in circles. I think you get my point. Since when did relationships become so complicated? Well, since our language to describe it did. Back in the day when dating wasn’t a term to describe a relationship, courting was the thing to do. You were friends, and when you decided to make the next step, you were engaged. There was no “serious” dating or being “in a relationship.”

So with both then and now, if you court someone, are you obligated to marry them? No!! Many times people assume, especially in today’s society, that if you are courting a person that you will marry them. What you may find out is that there are too many differences or maybe you realize that you are just not compatible with the other person. If you end up marrying a person because you feel obligated, your marriage will suffer and you will be unhappy. Courting is a type of action. Dating is a part of courting. It is supposed to be during your time together that you learn about each other’s past, likes, dislikes, future plans, etc. Although the goal of courting is to have marriage be the end of the courting phase and the beginning of life together, ultimately it is supposed to answer the following question: “Can I truly marry this person and spend of the rest of my life with him/her while being the happiest person on the planet?” If you find that your answer is no, maybe you should reconsider your true motives for being with the person.

God created marriage, and it is a wonderful thing. If you are finding that courting is not exciting and such a blessing, then most likely marriage won’t be a blessing and oh-so-wonderful. Don’t worry about ending the relationship and being single. If your desire is to be married and have a family, God will provide that, but you just need to trust Him. As you draw closer to Him, His desires become your desires. Keep your heart and mind focused on Him. Just remember what Psalm 37:4-5 says: "Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

My refuge and strong tower

Many people do not understand the true reason why I decided to stopped seeing that person so quickly. However, I am not at liberty to say because it really is just between me and God. Even though I'm getting crap for being such a jerk, I've realized that I have to remember that my relationship with God is the only thing that matters. My closest friends and immediate family understand, and that's what's important.

From the world's perspective, I am a heartless jerk. From my perspective, I obeyed the word God gave me. I had no choice because I will not hinder my relationship with God. He created me. He healed me. He sustains me. He is the only person that will always be there for me.

Last night as I was spending time with God, I was drawn to Psalm 61:

¹ Hear my cry, O God;
         Attend to my prayer.² From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
         When my heart is overwhelmed;
         Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. ³ For You have been a shelter for me,
         A strong tower from the enemy.⁴ I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
         I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.  Selah  ⁵ For You, O God, have heard my vows;
         You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.⁶ You will prolong the king’s life,
         His years as many generations.
⁷ He shall abide before God forever.
         Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him! 
⁸ So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
         That I may daily perform my vows.

I love how God brings me to the right passage for the current state I am in. Even though I say I don't care what people think of me, I actually do. I hate looking like I'm a player. When we started seeing each other, I really thought there was potential for it to be more than just friends. I didn't use it for self-satisfaction or the desire for a boyfriend, and I CERTAINLY did not use him. I mean, come on, the guy still had yet to take me on an official date after over 3 weeks of supposedly dating. So, we weren't "in a relationship" and we never dated. I guess we were just friends...nothing more. The whole thing on him saying he was seeing me but never making an effort, well, that's pretty pathetic...I mean just saying, from a girl's perspective. Isn't the point to "woo" her and never stop "wooing" her? Anyway, that's a topic for another time.

I just realized that there were too many differences I couldn't handle, and it was those differences that opened my eyes to see that he was nothing more than a friend. Therefore, I shouldn't continue dancing around any idea of him being more than a friend. If I continued seeing him, the relationship would have been built on lies because I truly didn't like him as more than a friend since God had taken away those feelings. A relationship built on lies isn't a relationship at all. Also, that would only be leading him on, and it would be hindering my relationship with him, my family, my friends, and God. Once again, this all ties back to the importance of my relationship with Christ. That's also the point of being a mature person and being honest.

I am sorry if I did break his heart, but time will heal those wounds. Also, hopefully he relies on God because God is the ultimate healer. The positive side is that we were only seeing each other for a little over 3 weeks. So, if he got that emotionally attached in that short of time then it is not my problem. He needs to learn, as do all people including myself,  that even when seeing a person, your heart needs to be guarded. A person's heart should truly not be opened all the way until marriage, or at least if you know for sure from God that you are marrying the person. I person is foolish if they do it before, let alone not even a month into a relationship.

I love how God uses all situations to remind me of how great He really is. I honestly cannot fathom His greatness because words cannot even begin to describe it. I am so blessed to serve such a magnificent Savior. He is my refuge and strong tower!

That's how life goes...

I had the wonderful opportunity to see the Rend Collective Experiment (a worship band from Ireland), Rachel Chan, and Francis Chan. If you don't know who any of these people are, well then you HAVE to check them out. I actually had  never heard of the Rend Collective Experiment until the other night, but oh my word, I have now fallen in love with them. They are so very anointed. As for their sound, the best way to describe it, is as such: if David Crowder Band and Gungor got together and had a baby, it would be the Rend Collective Experiment. Francis Chan, on the other hand, is an extremely anointed, Holy Spirit led speaker, author, and pastor. I know I have talked about Crazy Love. Well, he is the author of that book. He has also written Forgotten God and Erasing Hell.

Anywho, over the past few days, God has really been dealing with me on some issues and some frustrations that I have had over the past few weeks. However, it wasn't until hearing Francis Chan that these things were brought to light and God really convicted me. I guess the biggest thing to say is that I've decided that I wasn't really ready to get involved in a serious relationship. I know, short lived. Before you get mad at me for it only lasting so long and looking like a jerk, let me explain. He is a good guy, but I realized that I'm not ready for marriage. Actually, to be honest, I've realized how much I enjoy singleness. I don't like being tied to someone, and I like being able to call my own shots. 

That's the point of courting: to really get to know someone and see if there is potential for marrying them. It just so happened I realized right away. After much consult with God and after some deep conversations with this guy, I realized there were too many differences that I knew it would create much havoc if we even decided to take it to the next level. So instead of leading him on, I had to be open and honest with both him and myself. I really like him has a friend, but marriage is just not something I foresee with him. I have to be honest in saying that although I know the guy is heartbroken, I am not. It is because I have realized that when my life aligns with the plan God has for me, I have such peace and freedom. My relationship with Christ is more important than anything else. If God tells me to do something, I will obey Him because He created me and loves me with an unconditional love. 

As for Francis Chan, everything he said resonated with my soul. The Holy Spirit was totally talking through him. He was just a mouth piece for God, and that is one of the greatest things to witness. He has such a burden for Detroit. His burden is the same sound that we, south-eastern Michiganders, have been hearing for over a year: the Great Commission. We are told to go into the world and preach the gospel. However, Christians have lost sight of that. God will judge us of this. He said He would tell those workers of iniquity (the lukewarm Christians) to depart because He never knew them. The scary part is, are we certain that we are an on-fire Christian? Chan mentioned the question that so many people don't want to think about: Christians talk about how they want Jesus to come like He promised, but if Jesus came tonight or this very second, would we truly be ready? Think about it. Do you know if when you stand before the judgement seat of Christ that you will hear those words "well done My good and faithful servant"?

So that's what's going on in my life and that's what God has been revealing to me. Below is a clip of one of the songs, "Build Your Kingdom," sung by the Rend Collective Experiment. Enjoy! :)

Bringing glory

Okay, I should clarify that this post has to do with bringing glory to God. Over the past few weeks, I've become wrapped up in life and realized I began to lose focus on my relationship with Jesus. Without even knowing it, I began to push the amount of time I spent in the Word and spent talking to Him to the bare minimum. My wonderful mother, who is also the one I turn to for spiritual guidance, reminded me that even though I may have a lot going on, I cannot jeopardize my relationship with Christ.

As I was spending time in the Word and just spending some quality time with the Holy Spirit, I was prompted to Psalm 96. I was specifically drawn to verses 7-9:

7 Give to the LORD, O families of the peoples,

         Give to the LORD glory and strength.

8 Give to the LORD the glory due His name;

         Bring an offering, and come into His courts.

9 Oh, worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness!

         Tremble before Him, all the earth.

So, what are these verses showing me? I need to always glorify God. My every move should be worship unto Him. In verse 8, the psalmist states to “Give to the Lord the glory due His name.” Well what glory is due to His name? EVERYTHING! This means that every breath I take should be glorifying. Every move I make should be glorifying. Every second of my every day should be glorifying and should be worship unto Him. God is to be feared, and He is to be praised! He created us to glorify Him!

God is amazingly great! Actually, I honestly cannot fathom His greatness. He created me. He has a plan for me. He saved me from my wretched, sinful self. He brought me into a relationship with Him. He has given me the gift of eternal life with Him. He has adopted me into His family. He loves me unconditionally. He has given me an unexplainable joy. I am a child of the Most High God, and for that, I will forever be thankful! The only thing I can do is glorify and worship Him for all He has done for me.