One year ago on this day, my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother passed away. I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I loved her then and I still love her to this day. The hardest part of it all is seeing how much my life has changed since then and that I can't share in these new memories with her.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to think about it (let alone write about it) but my one wish was for my grandmother to see me get married. Unfortunately, I will never have the pleasure of her sharing in that momentous day when it does come. Now, I know that comment may sound like I'm mad at God. I'm not; don't take that the wrong way. I know God always has a better purpose. And, towards the end, my grandma was very much in pain. To see someone in pain makes you want to see them in pain no longer. So I am full of joy to know that my grandma is no longer in pain and gets to partake in everything that heaven has to offer. However, I greatly miss getting to share with her what is going on in my life, from missions to dancing to the new adventure I'm on with my boyfriend.
Sometimes I wished I could hold on to those moments when she was alive just a little longer. I want to hear her speak just one more time. I want to hear her laugh just one more time. Most of all, I just want to hear her call my name and say "I love you."
I know God only gives us a set amount of time to live on this earth, but many times people forget to cherish those moments. I'm glad God allowed me to have such a close relationship with my grandma. I am beyond blessed that she was one of my greatest supporters and greatest confidants.
I can't wait until the day that I am reunited with her in heaven.
And to say I got through writing this entire post without crying would be a lie. There is probably one tear for every word on this page. Even though I clearly miss her like crazy, I celebrate in the fact that she has a new life with Jesus.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
As another door closes...
...another one opens. Or at least that's what everyone says. However, I'm still waiting for that to happen. Today, I walked out of the doors of the high school I was working at for the past two and a half years for the last time. Being told in November that my position was being terminated, I thought I had plenty of time to land another job in something similar to what I felt God gave me a passion to do. Unfortunately, that has not happened. I went to interview after interview but nothing has come from it (at least not yet), except for interview experience.
So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.
The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.
Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.
Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.
As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.
"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.
The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.
Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.
Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.
As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.
"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
Friday, January 3, 2014
2013: A Year in Review
To say this year has been my most "interesting" year thus far would probably be an understatement. It has been filled with many hardships; however, God has poured out his blessings and shown up in those tough situations...and is still showing up.
My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.
As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.
Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.
From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.
Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.
I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.
For this coming year, I have the following goals:
My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.
As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.
Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.
From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.
Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.
I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.
For this coming year, I have the following goals:
- Continually develop my relationship with God; seek after His face and to know Him more intimately; trust Him completely; and pursue His heart.
- Obtain a new job, one that God has set aside for me.
- Grow deeper in my relationship with my family and Gabe.
- Regularly go to the gym ;) - yeah, winter weather made me lose any drive to keep going once it hit in November.
- Be a Godly example to the young people I interact with.
- Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom.
Well that's all I can think of for now...
Here's to a fresh start in 2014. I can't wait to see what kind of doors God opens and how He uses me for His glory this coming year.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Lights up my life
So, it's been a while...a long while. This tends to be how I start my blog posts nowadays. Life is crazy, not that that's new news. Many times I sit down thinking I will write something, but I just end up staring at a blank page. I mean I always have something to say; however, I just don't always know what exactly to say or how I should say something.
As I reflect on my life, I am so blessed by the path God has taken me through. At times, it has been frustrating and saddening. Other times, it has been exhilarating and exciting. Through each situation, it is only because of my relationship with God that I am still standing strong. As of the last month and a half, God has brought a person into my life to stand by me in all these moments. I am beyond blessed by my family, as they have always been there and will always be there. However, I am not referring to them. God has been so gracious in letting my desire for a relationship that pursues the idea of marriage to mature and has recently gifted me with the most amazing person in my life, my best friend of almost three years, Gabe. He is the only man I could imagine standing by me through all my trials and triumphs.
Our story is unique, special, and complicated. But, it's OUR story, and it doesn't compare to any Hollywood movie ever scripted. Here's the short end of the story:
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As I reflect on my life, I am so blessed by the path God has taken me through. At times, it has been frustrating and saddening. Other times, it has been exhilarating and exciting. Through each situation, it is only because of my relationship with God that I am still standing strong. As of the last month and a half, God has brought a person into my life to stand by me in all these moments. I am beyond blessed by my family, as they have always been there and will always be there. However, I am not referring to them. God has been so gracious in letting my desire for a relationship that pursues the idea of marriage to mature and has recently gifted me with the most amazing person in my life, my best friend of almost three years, Gabe. He is the only man I could imagine standing by me through all my trials and triumphs.
Our story is unique, special, and complicated. But, it's OUR story, and it doesn't compare to any Hollywood movie ever scripted. Here's the short end of the story:
- Boy meets girl when Superbowl party hopping with friends on February 7, 2010.
- Boy and girl become friends over the course of that next year.
- Girl falls for boy at the end of 2010.
- Boy (not really knowing her true feelings) goes away to training and then war.
- Girl is heartbroken.
- Girl and boy stay in touch through letters.
- Girls discovers she will never be able to get over her feelings for the amazing boy.
- Girl begins the avoidance tactic to protect her heart.
- Boy and girl go on a missions trip to Africa.
- Girl is still avoiding but boy begins pursuing.
- Upon coming back, girl lets down a wall and allows boy to enter.
- Boy states his true feelings.
- Girl is left speechless and FINALLY confesses her feelings.
- Boy and girl officially begin courting as of August 19, 2013.
So obviously there is much more to this magnificent story. However, the most important part is that there is this truly amazing guy who wants to get to know me and wants to really pursue me and this idea of marriage.
This man, who has stolen my heart, lights up my life. The most wonderful part of it all is how much he loves Jesus and has a passionate relationship with Him. Gabe shares my dreams for adventure and supports my desires for the future. I am completely smitten by him and can't wait to see how OUR life will unfold together. God has a wonderful plan for my life and I'm so glad He has my best interests in mind. Looking at my life, I'm continually reminded of my life verse, Habakkuk 2:3: "For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."
I can never doubt for even a second that God's timing isn't perfect!
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Thursday, July 25, 2013
Looking back and looking forward
So it's summer for me, which means that I don't have work for another 4 or so weeks. I took a graduate class for my autism teaching endorsement, which was in the evenings for one week, and I tutor a few kids on the side. I have also been given the opportunity to do more with worship music at the church. I am so blessed how God opens doors to allow me to work in my areas of passion: teaching and music.
Well, it's been almost four weeks since I've been home from Africa. It's given me more time to think over everything I took in over those 16 days. What I've realized most is that I am so fortunate to be where I'm at not just monetary wise but in literally every area of my life. This has also been highlighted to me through the Follow Me study I am doing by David Platt. It is so encouraging and uplifting. It is also extremely enlightening. This whole idea of God desiring ME is so simple yet so mind blowing all at the same time.
I was reflecting over a few things the last couple days, and I realized how I am so glad that God has this perfect plan for my life. I'm also EXTREMELY thankful that God doesn't answer every request that I have because it is not in His will. I love working with teens because it gives me opportunities to share my experiences with God and personal parts of my testimony.
When I talk with many 16 year old girls, I love hearing about their desires for their futures, which typically involves their current crush. However, it got me thinking back to when I was 16, and when I was 16, I had a very different plan for my life. My 16 year old self would be dying if she saw how my life turned out. She'd be dying because it wasn't anything how she pictured or dreamed it to be. At 16 I imagined I would meet the man of my dreams sometime between then and 18. I would be engaged when I was about 19 or 20. I would finish my teaching degree in elementary education (not anything related with special education) at the age of 21. I would graduate in April and be married in May or June. I would have a job lined up and start working right away. I would be happily married for about 3 years before trying for kids. And voila! At the age of 25, I would have the makings of a happy little family with the perfect job. Sounds delightful, right?
Well let's take a look at how life really turned out since the age of 16: I changed my degree from music therapy to secondary education with a focus in special education within my first year of college. I never dated a guy while I was in college or in general for that matter. I did graduate at the age of 21. I decided I didn't want to try for a job but would rather pursue graduate school right away, while substitute teaching on the side. I realized a year after obtaining my teaching degree that I was finally ready to have a "real" teaching job. It took months before landing my current, amazing job. I was 22 and three weeks into the 2011-2012 school year when I started. I finally finished my Master's degree at the age of 24. I've been on two fantastic mission trips to Africa. And, that pretty much sums up my life to the present day. It is now the summer of 2013, and I turn 25 in approximately 6 months. To date, I have yet to really date a guy...that's kind of a big deal because that is opening the door for a larger commitment. I've made a whole-hearted decision to wait until marriage to have my first kiss (my 16 year old self would be gagging right now). What I'm most looking forward to, as in a relationship, is that I can say to the man I married that I truly saved every experience for him. I want my heart to be completely in it, not 99% or 80% but 100%. When I marry the man that God sees me with, I will be sure that 100% of myself is being given to him and only him. As for right now, I'm just happy to be where I'm at, where God has placed me. His timing is perfect, and I am learning patience is the most wonderful yet one of the most difficult virtues to uphold.
I know God has a purpose in every opportunity I encounter. Sometimes life may not go as expected. Okay, pretty much nothing has gone as expected. But, you know what? That's perfectly fine. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned a lot from the 24 years I've journeyed with God. I've had my miserable, horrific moments, and I've had my joyous, euphoric moments. However, through it all, God has always been there. I am so beyond ecstatic to serve a God who created me in His image, who formed me to reflect His love and beauty, who gave me unique gifts to worship Him, and above all else, who desires for me to commune with Him every single moment of every single day. How much better could it get?! Well, it can't! That's why I CHOOSE to desire God.
Well, it's been almost four weeks since I've been home from Africa. It's given me more time to think over everything I took in over those 16 days. What I've realized most is that I am so fortunate to be where I'm at not just monetary wise but in literally every area of my life. This has also been highlighted to me through the Follow Me study I am doing by David Platt. It is so encouraging and uplifting. It is also extremely enlightening. This whole idea of God desiring ME is so simple yet so mind blowing all at the same time.
I was reflecting over a few things the last couple days, and I realized how I am so glad that God has this perfect plan for my life. I'm also EXTREMELY thankful that God doesn't answer every request that I have because it is not in His will. I love working with teens because it gives me opportunities to share my experiences with God and personal parts of my testimony.
When I talk with many 16 year old girls, I love hearing about their desires for their futures, which typically involves their current crush. However, it got me thinking back to when I was 16, and when I was 16, I had a very different plan for my life. My 16 year old self would be dying if she saw how my life turned out. She'd be dying because it wasn't anything how she pictured or dreamed it to be. At 16 I imagined I would meet the man of my dreams sometime between then and 18. I would be engaged when I was about 19 or 20. I would finish my teaching degree in elementary education (not anything related with special education) at the age of 21. I would graduate in April and be married in May or June. I would have a job lined up and start working right away. I would be happily married for about 3 years before trying for kids. And voila! At the age of 25, I would have the makings of a happy little family with the perfect job. Sounds delightful, right?
Well let's take a look at how life really turned out since the age of 16: I changed my degree from music therapy to secondary education with a focus in special education within my first year of college. I never dated a guy while I was in college or in general for that matter. I did graduate at the age of 21. I decided I didn't want to try for a job but would rather pursue graduate school right away, while substitute teaching on the side. I realized a year after obtaining my teaching degree that I was finally ready to have a "real" teaching job. It took months before landing my current, amazing job. I was 22 and three weeks into the 2011-2012 school year when I started. I finally finished my Master's degree at the age of 24. I've been on two fantastic mission trips to Africa. And, that pretty much sums up my life to the present day. It is now the summer of 2013, and I turn 25 in approximately 6 months. To date, I have yet to really date a guy...that's kind of a big deal because that is opening the door for a larger commitment. I've made a whole-hearted decision to wait until marriage to have my first kiss (my 16 year old self would be gagging right now). What I'm most looking forward to, as in a relationship, is that I can say to the man I married that I truly saved every experience for him. I want my heart to be completely in it, not 99% or 80% but 100%. When I marry the man that God sees me with, I will be sure that 100% of myself is being given to him and only him. As for right now, I'm just happy to be where I'm at, where God has placed me. His timing is perfect, and I am learning patience is the most wonderful yet one of the most difficult virtues to uphold.
I know God has a purpose in every opportunity I encounter. Sometimes life may not go as expected. Okay, pretty much nothing has gone as expected. But, you know what? That's perfectly fine. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned a lot from the 24 years I've journeyed with God. I've had my miserable, horrific moments, and I've had my joyous, euphoric moments. However, through it all, God has always been there. I am so beyond ecstatic to serve a God who created me in His image, who formed me to reflect His love and beauty, who gave me unique gifts to worship Him, and above all else, who desires for me to commune with Him every single moment of every single day. How much better could it get?! Well, it can't! That's why I CHOOSE to desire God.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Back home
After 32+ hours of travel, the team has finally arrived home safely. It has been quite the journey over the past 16 days. I am so glad to be home and back with my family. It is kind of strange getting back into the swing of things, though. I miss waking up in the mornings to have breakfast and devotions with the amazing 33 people. I miss the always constant weather of cool in the mornings and warm in the afternoon with gorgeous blue skies followed by star-filled evenings. As I'm typing this, it is saddening to look outside to gray skies and no sign of the sun. However, I am appreciative of where I live and how much God has blessed me.
Spending the last few days in Livingstone has given me quite a bit of time to reflect on this trip. One person asked me how this year was different from last year. That's a tough question but a great one. This trip has been different, not that I would expect it to be the same. The most noticeable difference is the fact that I was excited to be coming back home this year. Last year, I, honestly, was not looking forward to coming home. Actually upon returning, I became extremely isolated because I was so moved by what I saw but not sure how to handle it, emotionally. Not that I'm not moved this year, but I was so touched last year that I would have dropped everything and relocated to Africa. Once I processed everything during the summer of 2012, I was able to learn quite a bit and apply it to my life here in America. Now, going back a second time, I am still in love with the country of Zambia. However, I have such a greater appreciation of how God has blessed me with my family, friends, home, job, and church family. I've realized over this last year that God has placed me in my current position for a reason and for that I am thankful.
I can't wait to see how I'm going to use everything that I've learned from this trip. I'm still in the process of doing a lot of reflecting. However, if I was asked to describe my emotions from this trip in one word, it would have to be GRATEFUL. Grateful for a loving family. Grateful for clean water. Grateful for safe food to eat and ALWAYS having food any time I want. Grateful for access to multiple Bibles in my house. Grateful to be living in a house that has running water, working electricity, and a roof that doesn't leak. Grateful for my cozy bed and comfortable living environment. Grateful for a plethora of clothes and shoes. Grateful for all the "wants" God has blessed me with, even if I necessarily don't "need" them. Grateful for a job. Grateful for all the opportunities God gives me. Overall, just grateful!
Spending the last few days in Livingstone has given me quite a bit of time to reflect on this trip. One person asked me how this year was different from last year. That's a tough question but a great one. This trip has been different, not that I would expect it to be the same. The most noticeable difference is the fact that I was excited to be coming back home this year. Last year, I, honestly, was not looking forward to coming home. Actually upon returning, I became extremely isolated because I was so moved by what I saw but not sure how to handle it, emotionally. Not that I'm not moved this year, but I was so touched last year that I would have dropped everything and relocated to Africa. Once I processed everything during the summer of 2012, I was able to learn quite a bit and apply it to my life here in America. Now, going back a second time, I am still in love with the country of Zambia. However, I have such a greater appreciation of how God has blessed me with my family, friends, home, job, and church family. I've realized over this last year that God has placed me in my current position for a reason and for that I am thankful.
I can't wait to see how I'm going to use everything that I've learned from this trip. I'm still in the process of doing a lot of reflecting. However, if I was asked to describe my emotions from this trip in one word, it would have to be GRATEFUL. Grateful for a loving family. Grateful for clean water. Grateful for safe food to eat and ALWAYS having food any time I want. Grateful for access to multiple Bibles in my house. Grateful to be living in a house that has running water, working electricity, and a roof that doesn't leak. Grateful for my cozy bed and comfortable living environment. Grateful for a plethora of clothes and shoes. Grateful for all the "wants" God has blessed me with, even if I necessarily don't "need" them. Grateful for a job. Grateful for all the opportunities God gives me. Overall, just grateful!
Monday, June 24, 2013
What a week
Exhausted may not even begin to describe how I feel. Six days on the field has left me with many memories. It also left me drained, emotionally. However, it is great how God has His way of giving a little boost to kick me out of the exhaustion.
The beginning of today started out with a bit of disappointment. I was supposed to be shadowing at the high school in Africa, but unfortunately things fell through. That meant I was back on outreach. Not that I didn't want to be on outreach because that is the team I asked to be a part of, but I was looking forward to a change in a pace. I felt like I was just giving all of myself over the past few days, and I wasn't sure how much more energy I had left.
It is awesome how God has a different plan. I was reminded how I just needed to rest in Him and not rely on my own strength - Zechariah 4:6. Part of the reason for hitting a wall was that I had so many emotions going through my mind. Today marks the 5 month anniversary of my grandma's death. I miss her more today than words can truly describe. I know she is much happier with Jesus, but I still miss her like crazy. And sometimes, I still cry...like last night and this morning. God was able to quiet my heart and speak to me through Psalms. He just reminded me to rest and reflect on His goodness.
So, today consisted of a new adventure: water filtration team. I REALLY wanted to do it and was so blessed to be a part of a four person team. We were able to go into the homes of multiple people, install water filters for lifetime clean water, and share the gospel of the living water, Jesus. It was a beautiful experience. The homes are so unique and the people are so special. My heart was completely stilled. I will never be able to see something so humbling again.
I am constantly being reminded that my life is not my own. Even though I may want something so much, God may have a different plan. And, that plan will be something better than I EVER could have imagined on my own.
Tomorrow is our last day before heading to Livingstone. I can't believe how fast the last week and a half has gone. The next 24 hours are going to be a great time of reflection to see how God will stretch us in the village one final time. This will probably be the last post until Livingstone. Shalinipo until then!
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