I know this sounds like a strange thing to talk about, but it's everything God has been dealing with me. I'm sooo stupid and didn't realize He's been trying to have me let go of all the rejection I have been through. I felt like something was hindering my relationship and something was definitely causing me to have an attitude, but I never would have figured that was the problem.
If you look back on my posts or talked to me, God has been focusing me on this concept of love. I just thought it was because He was reminding me of His awesome, amazing, and relentless love. However, He was doing more than just that. He was trying to bring me to this idea of the rejection that I never dealt with. I thought I never let those things bother me, but deep down inside, tucked way in the back, I felt rejected in many areas, and I would avoid situations because I didn't want to be rejected.
God didn't create me to feel this way. Think of how everyday, millions of people reject Jesus and blasphemy His name, but He does not let it bother Him. I want to be that way. I want to be so in tune with God and His plan for my life that I do not let the petty things of this earth bother me.
As my mom and I were talking, she urged me to figure out what was causing this change in my attitude. I spent that entire day consulting God about it, but I didn't seem to hear anything. However, Hannah and I had a girls night that night, and we were doing some venting/sharing. Afterward, we decided to pray together. While we were praying I heard God tell me to let go of the spirit of rejection and walk in newness with Him. At that moment I started crying because instantly I felt as if a burden was taken off my shoulders and I was free. I shared with my mom what God revealed to me and more crying ensued. Ever since then, I feel like a completely different person. In a way, it's like I'm walking on air. I won't share the details of what caused me to take on this spirit of rejection because it is unnecessary. However, I will share that because of the amazing love of Jesus, I am free and loved!!
That night, as I went home and spent some more alone time with Jesus, I was reminded of Jeremiah 31:3.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."
Going back to this idea of love, it's unreal! I really do serve a God who only wants the best for me. I serve a God who loves me unconditionally. I serve a God who draws me into a relationship with Him. How could I not want that? Every person is hardwired to receive love and give love. Why not set those emotions and feelings towards the One who died for my sins, the One who created me, and the One who is always with me, living inside me?
Lord, You won't relent until You have it all, so here is my heart!
I have been going through quite a bit lately, and there has been a lot of changes in my life. However, I'm right now at the point in my life where I'm trying to figure out why I seem to react a certain way in conversations with my mom and brother. Part of it is the fact that I'm still trying to adjust everything. I hate getting challenged (or more-or-less being told that my thinking/beliefs are inaccurate) and I tend to get a slight attitude. Essentially, I need an attitude adjustment.
I'm slightly frustrated about the whole job situation. Yes, I'm completely trusting God, but the fact that the start of school is nearing, I think I'm internally stressing. I definitely bottle my emotions up, and I hate sharing how I'm feeling. However, this can be a detriment in some situations.
Also, even though I received my confirmation about "the situation," I'm fretting about the other end of it. The possible close to this is coming nearer, and I'm not sure what to expect.
I know that when I stress out about situations it comes through the form of how I react to my mother and brother in conversations. So, if I'm irked by something small my brother might say, I might overreact causing an argument in what could have been a peaceful situation if I just ignored it and gave it to God.
However, I realize that God says to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). God actually says a lot about worry. To worry is to not trust God. It also puts my thinking in the wrong direction. Here are a few other verses that I'm learning to apply to my life:
"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you.'" Isaiah 35:4
"Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:25-34
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
I'm trying to seek God harder and harder because it puts my focus back on Him rather than the situations I'm currently facing. I'm trying my best to put all my cares on Him because ultimately He is my provider. Every outcome is a part of His perfect plan, and if I received a confirmation about how a situation will end up, I just need to trust God that He gave me this confirmation and that it WILL turn out that way.
Thanks for listening to me express what I'm thinking about. Sometimes I just need to get it out there in order to work through it. Talking it out can be a challenge because it always sounds better in my head. However, hammering it out on a keyboard really helps me to process through it.
So it's been two weeks since my last post. Gosh, that seems like FOREVER!!! However, I have to say that during this break I've grown a lot and I've learned a lot. Last week I had the most amazing opportunity to attend the Jesus Culture Awakening 2011 conference in Chicago, IL. I heard amazing speakers, but the best part was the totally anointed worship. On the very last night the music stopped and it was over 15,000 voices praising Jesus, like no other, for almost 40 minutes. If that was a glimpse of heaven, I SERIOUSLY cannot wait for the worship that will take place when I get there.
The first that God's been dealing with me: the prodigal son. Okay, I'm not the prodigal son, but my brother came back to the Lord after having being away for quite some time. Praise Jesus!!! He's soooo on fire for God that it's amazing!! I couldn't be happier. But here was my dilemma, remember the brother in the prodigal son?
“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ 28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. 29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’ 31 “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. 32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15: 25-32)
Well, I felt like this was me. I was always that "good-girl Christian" that was always there and tried to always do my best. Now that my brother was back in the picture, I had to take the backseat. I wasn't okay with this. I guess, in a way, I was set with how my life was. I liked it being just me and my mom. Well, now my brother had to go and change things up. However, did he really change things up or did I just make it seem that way? After careful time with God I noticed two things: unforgiveness and jealousy. Before Jesus Culture, I realized I never forgave my brother for all the things from the past. Forgiveness is a serious issue. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Think about it. This is some serious stuff. If I don't forgive others, God can't forgive me. I also believe this is why my relationship with God was at a stand still. So before I left for Chicago, I forgave him. Wow, what a relief!! Because of that, I believe that I was able to receive so much from the conference and got soooo much confirmation.
However, when I came back I thought everything was fine and dandy, until I cracked again. After spending time with God and trying to figure out the root of the problem, I came to the conclusion that I was jealous. I'm sure you're thinking jealous of what....well I was actually jealous of my brother's testimony. God delivered him from sooooooo much and he's going to be able to use that to bring soooooooo many people to Christ. On top of that, my brother has such a boldness. It's been like that our entire life. I was on the more timid side but he wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking. I, on the other hand, was thinking "how can I relate to people if I've never experienced that." However, after talking with my mom, my mom brought to my attention that God has a different purpose of each one of us. God will use what He has given us to bring Him glory. Going back to Francis Chan's quote from Crazy Love I guess I just needed to get over myself. It isn't about me. It's about Him, the Creator of the Universe, the One who made me to bring glory to His name.
So along the lines of jealousy, God recently dealt (and is still dealing) with me about this whole idea of comparison. During the Jesus Culture conference there was conversation regarding make-up and crying...yes, you guessed it, two girls were talking, haha. But, seriously, as we, girls, were getting ready one person made a comment that we should not put make-up on because we'll be crying during worship. I stopped to think about it. I don't cry during worship. Then I got slightly frustrated and began to wonder why don't I cry during worship. Am I not encountering God because I don't cry? I mean I can seriously probably count on my two hands how many times I've cried during worship. So, God really had to deal with me about this issue. God brought to my attention Psalm 16:11, "In Your presence is fullness of joy. At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." I realized that I always laugh in His presence. I get such joy being in His presence that I beam from ear-to-ear and sometimes laugh uncontrollably. You know what, people encounter God's presence differently. I am proud to say that I get so full of joy when I am in His presence.
I've made it thus far that I might as well make one more point before calling it a night. Remember that situation I've been seeking God about??!!?? Well, I got my confirmation at Jesus Culture. Five weeks ago, I secretly hoped that I would get a confirmation at the conference. However, I forgot about it and focused my eyes on Jesus. Then it was the first session of the last day and one of the people on stage was praying for people who want to be active in both the business world and the ministry. Then in the middle of his prayer, he received a word from God saying that there was at least one person that had a gut feeling regarding a situation and that God is telling him to say that they need to go with their gut. It is the plan God has for them. Well, this impacted me in two ways. 1. I love teaching, but I also love leading worship. I always said I would love to do both, if God would allow it. So, this was awesome to hear because teaching=business and worship=ministry. 2. I had a gut feeling regarding the situation. As soon as the person speaking said that, I felt like I was called out. It was like one of those moments where you feel like a spotlight was pointed directly on you and the whole world is staring at you. So, I'm confident I got my answer. There's just the other side I'm waiting on to receive the same confirmation. BUT I'm completely trusting God because if He gave me this revelation, I know He will give the same type of revelation to the other person.
I'm SOOOOOO EXCITED to see what God has in store for me. He's still dealing with me on a lot of things, and it is a total cleansing process. The song that has REALLY been hitting home is "Break Every Chain" by Will Reagan and United Pursuit. This worship song was done at the conference, and I've fallen in love with it. It's soooooo simple yet has sooooo much meaning. Hope it ministers to you like it has me.
The whole concept that God delights in me seems so...unreal! I mean think about?!?!?! There's this guy who loves me with an everlasting love. The best part is that He wants me to love Him back. He wants me to delight in everything He has for me. Essentially, HE WANTS ME!! To be wanted is such an wonderful feeling.
As I was spending time with God, I was drawn to Psalm 1. Gosh, I haven't looked at this scripture in far too long!
1 Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night. 3 He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so,
But are like the chaff which the wind drives away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the ungodly shall perish.
I want to be that person the psalmist describes. I want to delight in God and on His Word. I want to meditate on it 24/7. I want to be rooted so deep in Him that no matter what I do I WILL prosper. The best part of that is that I know I only can prosper because of Him.
As I've been interviewing for jobs and really seeking God about my future, I realize there's only one thing I need to do and that's focus my heart on Him. He will bring me through situations. He will open doors that need to be opened and shut doors that need to be shut. I want to seek after His righteousness. I want my desires to be His desires. I want the path I walk down to be the path He wanted me to pursue. I want to whole-heartedly live a life that seeks after Him and fulfills His desires.
I love how God moves in my life. I love how He fulfills my every desire, and I have to constantly remind myself that no earthly desire will ever fulfill me like the love Jesus. God is just so good! I've decided it's fitting for me to meditate on Psalm 1:3:
"He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper."
I don't even know where to begin. A four day break makes me feel like a total slacker, but I promised I've been SUPER busy. Actually I can't even say much on here because I'm not open to sharing it with an online community. The thing I can say is that this weekend has been interesting. So many emotions were spinning, mainly excitement. I heard from someone I haven't heard from in a few weeks, and it was like things never changed, which is a wonderful to know. I'm also going to be attempting to do some good, old-fashioned letter writing. I haven't done that in sooooo long. I have to say it was really hard to write the first letter. What do you say to someone you wished was standing next to you, but is hundreds of miles of away? And on the other hand I can't expect anything back...which is a strange feeling. So that describes part of my weekend.
God has also been really dealing with me about a lot of things. I tend to be one that bottles things up. A better way to describe this is that I'm more likely to listen rather than talk. However, I have to veer from the "bottle things up" description because I don't suddenly explode after some time. I actually will just keep hiding it and then when it gets too overwhelming I will talk with someone. On that note, I was able to finally get two things off my chest this weekend, which feels great. It's as if a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've also felt my relationship with God has grown closer because I'm learning to deal with things (whether positive or negative) instead of wishing I had and getting frustrated with myself.
Yesterday, I was drawn back to Psalm 27:4: "One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple." I want my relationship with God to grow at an unbelievable rate. I want His glory to shine through me. I want to see His beauty. I want to just sit at His feet and soak everything in. I want to stay close to Him.
Of course, I HAVE to have a song that's been ministering this same message. However, I have realized that is how God works through me and many times, this is how I receive confirmation from Him. I recently purchased Cory Asbury and Matt Gilman's album. I actually bought it because I really enjoy how Matt Gilman leads worship. As I've had a chance to listen through the entire album, I have clicked, particularly over this weekend, with "Stay Close" by Cory Asbury. The chorus of the song goes as follows:
I wanna stay close to the fire in Your eyes, To the burnings of Your heart I don’t wanna grow cold So come and set Your seal of love upon my heart, Love as strong as death Till I’m forever Yours
This whole concept of just being friends with God seems so simple, yet why do so many people abandon it? Essentially, God just wants us to be His friend. Think about this: when a new friend comes into our lives, we want to introduce them to our other friends. In turn, they become friends and that circle continues to expand. Isn't that what God expects from us? I would have to say 100% YES!
I want to stay close with God. I want to be His forever. Everything I have ever wanted I have found in Him. He is my every desire. He satisfies all my needs. He loves me, even though I have many faults. How could I not desire to seek Him, to see His face and behold His beauty?!?! The answer is that I can't!!
I'm still focusing on Psalm 27:4 right now because that seems to be where my heart is leading me. In the meantime, enjoy the song by Cory Asbury:
I connect very well with music, and I am so thankful that God uses it as a way to speak to me and confirm what He has been telling me. Lately I can't stop singing the bridge of "You Made a Way" by Matt Gilman:
I am Yours, You are mine And we'll be together, forever.
Isn't that awesome (I'll post the song below). I have been studying 1 John 4 and Psalm 32. 1 John 4 is all about God's love for us, and how we would not know to love unless we've experienced His amazing love: "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love" (1 John 4:7-8). We should never be the same after we've been exposed to the love of God. His love is life-changing. The greatest part of it all is that we can only love God "because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). His love is completely perfect and "casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).
This is such an unbelievably awesome gift that God has given us: His love for a race that has rejected Him in every way, shape, and form imaginable. I have to question myself, how likely would I be able to forgive someone who rejects me and tortures and murders my only child? The answer: probably not likely. It's one thing to reject me, but to treat my child the way Jesus was treated...come on, think about!!! Yet, this person I'm describing is us, the human race. Everyday countless people say the Lord's name in vain. Countless people denounce that God even exists. Countless people are deceived by other gods. Even as Christians, we slip and sometimes think, say, or do things we never would have thought imaginable. But God, being a merciful God, stepped down from heaven to save us. He gave us a chance to encounter His love and seek a relationship with Him. He forgave us of all our sins and all our iniquities.
I think I'll end this post here. The next post I'll focus on how all of this relates to Psalm 32. Until then, I'm going to be meditating on the following verse:
"Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:15-16)
I just found out as I was preparing to write the post for today that the situation I have been seeking God about will be delayed for 3 weeks longer than what I expected, although even then it may not be addressed right away or at all, for that matter. However, once I received the news, I had emotions that I never realized existed. I definitely did not expect it. Wow, if this isn't called trusting in God, I don't know what is. I'm shocked but obviously God has a different plan for my relationship with Him. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me for the next month and a half. But, at this moment, I just want to cry, literally. I am speechless. I'm just going to give it to God, and I will definitely be using this as a learning experience. Sorry for the venting, I'm just very perplexed. So, as I TRY to go back to my original reason for posting...
Yesterday night during my time with God, I was studying Romans 8:15-18. I've recently tried to get into the habit of thanking God for His truly amazing and undying love for me. After reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, I have such an utter awe for God. It's not that I didn't before, but it's just that this book brought it to the forefront of my life. How could I not love a God who loves me so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for me?? I shouldn't have any excuses to NOT love Him.
Anyway back to Romans 8:15-18:
"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
This whole idea of sonship probably seems crazy to someone who doesn't believe in God. However, God has really been highlighting this through the way He's been ministering to me, with Crazy Love just being one way. This relationship God wants to have with me is unexpected. I am so unworthy; however, He still continually pursues me. How can a reject a person who continually pursues me?? Won't I break at some point from the constant love?? I would think so, and I would hope so.
I want to be so in love with God that I would be willing to do whatever He called me to do. Suffering in this lifetime is nothing compared to the glory that I will encounter when I reach heaven. I want to continually seek after God's glory. The song that has been on my heart lately is "Shekinah Glory" by Cory Asbury. I know God ministers to me through music. This song applies perfectly to what He has been revealing to me about seeking Him and being in His presence:
We wait for You, we wait for You
We wait for You; walk in the room
Here we are, standing in Your presence
Here we are, standing in Your presence
Shekinah glory come down, Shekinah glory come down
Release the fullness of Your Spirit
Shekinah glory come, Shekinah glory come
You move and we want more, You speak and we want more
You move and we want more; we want the fullness
We want more, we want more, we want more, we want more
We want more, we want more, more of Your Spirit
I know this post seems to jump around, and that's because it does! Haha. I can't seem to focus my thoughts because I'm still wrapping my head around many things. I just want to end this by saying that I am utterly thankful to serve such an amazing God that wants to have a relationship with me! I'm going to be focusing on the following the verse:
"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" (Romans 8:15)
I also wanted to post the song that I was referencing above. Enjoy!
