You know me

Well, it's day two. I'm going strong! By that, I mean I didn't cry today, or last night, for that matter. Hahaha. Yes, you can roll your eyes at me.

Anyway, I was going for a run this afternoon...which by the way this weather has been amazing, and I so badly hope that it's here to stay...but as I was saying: as I was going for a run this afternoon, God totally showed up! I have found that this happens quite a bit. It makes me question: why do I stop running for such long periods of time?? Oh yeah, Michigan has a winter that lasts like 6 months...

Over the past few years, life hasn't exactly been a cake walk. It has had high moments and it has had many very low moments! Each moment has made me stronger and given me greater insight. It is definitely a tool to strengthen my relationship with God.

I'm not dragging to the point here; I promise! Since I can't run without music, I decided that I'd finally listen to Bethel Music's The Loft Sessions album. There are a few songs that I have heard before and have fallen in love with before I even bought the album. However, today, one of those particular songs hit me so deep. The song is called "You Know Me."

As I was listening and running, I started to cry. I realized that God has His hand in every situation. Okay, so that wasn't new to me. What was enlightening was the fact that every trial and tribulation I go through, God has the perfect plan. How unreal is that?!?! God knows me, wants to know me, and desires me to know Him.

I know to many people this either doesn't phase them, they don't care, or they are just like "duh!" Coming to this realization, was just an awesome reminder of the greatness of my God.

See, I heard God a long time regarding some huge life possibilities. I put them on the shelf and walked away. As the door opened for those possibilities years later and they didn't turn out to be exactly how my brain had pictured it, I became worried, stressed, etc. But the thing is, God knows me. He knows exactly how my life with play out. He is using me for something so much greater. I just need to trust Him.

God knows me inside and out. He knows every emotion I have, whether or not I wear it on my sleeve. He knows every secret I've ever kept. He knows my deepest sins. He knows my greatest victories. He knows my future. He knows my past. He knows my wishes. He knows my dreams. He knows what's truly my reality. He knows my deepest desires and passions. He knows what I despise and hate the most. He knows EVERYTHING!

If I look at these coming 28 days as a way to get to know God to better understand His plan for my life, I think I will be blown away at the splendor of it all. I can't worry. I can't stress. I can't over-think. I just need to let go, have faith, and trust Him.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.” (Psalm 139:1-6)

All wrapped up

Over the past couple days, I have learned what it truly feels like to have your heart all wrapped up in something and then having to give it up. To have something or someone just always be there, yet in a flash things change from the usual. Well I'm learning this by choice this time. I've realized that some things in my life needed a change and I'm taking a break...well a step back and focusing on God. I guess you could call it a fast. I'm not sure if that's the first thing I'd call it, but from now on for the sake of making things easy, I'll term it as a fast - my 30-day fast.

30 days...doesn't seem too bad. Haha, that might be the biggest joke ever. I'm not even through day one and can already predict this coming week and weekend are going to be killer. However, I guess the point is for me to grow closer to God, right? It's going to force me very quickly to learn to wrap my heart in Him.

Even though today is only day one, I've had a couple nights of preparation - knowing this was coming. I've cried myself to sleep the last couple nights. It's probably one of the toughest, if not THE toughest decision I've ever made. I have to keep reminding myself that it is for the better.

So in 30 days, I'm hoping to come out with the following:

• A deeper walk with God
• Renewed strength
• Clear direction for the future

I'm also hoping that I can blog every day about my 30-day experience, including how God is speaking to me. I can't make any promises that I'll keep up with it EVERY day; however, I'm going to try. 

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Sometimes life feels like a dream

I knew I needed to update my blog, but so much has happened in such a short time, which gave me no desire to write due to the overwhelmingness of it all. However, here I sit, confronting something that I didn't want to touch.

I actually have known for a while what I've wanted to write, but not having a title or knowing how to approach it deterred me from doing it. Finally, as I sat thinking, I realized that my life has had a running theme the last few months. When I look back two months ago, six months, a year ago, or even a year and a half ago, my life looked completely different. Actually, it's safe to say that I'm not even the same person. Sometimes, as a reflect, it feels that my life in those times frames was like another reality or was like just a dream. Let me walk through how I came to this conclusion.

2 months ago:

In January of 2014, specifically January 18, 2014, I was still technically employed at a different grade level, a different school, and a completely different district. I had known since November of 2013 that I was going to be laid off due to a budget crisis and being low on the seniority list. My last day, according to the books was January 21, 2014...although my last day with the kids was January 17, 2014. I thought my life had ended...well it felt that way. Obviously, God had better plans. As I sit here today, working as a middle school special education teacher in a district that is next door to where I live (10 minute commute to work...booyah!), I couldn't be more thankful. However, the weird part of it all is that it feels like I've always been here. It's like my prior experience never existed...in a way. I mean I still connect with my old coworkers and hear from some of my prior students, but I am seriously in love with my job. I am beyond blessed!

6 months ago:

In September of 2013, my house was about to go through total reconstruction. We decided to redo all of the house, top to bottom, with new paint and new flooring. We also decided to remodel the kitchen. Beginning in late September, my house became nothing of what I once knew. The kitchen was demolished. Walls were busted down. Appliances were rearranged. Everything changed. It was an extremely awesome transformation. However, it was an emotionally draining transformation. Being without a kitchen for over 8 weeks was exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to find things to eat without a stove, oven, or microwave? I mean you learn to be creative, but man, was it an experience! So it is now March 2014, and my house is a completely different house. It has been cool to watch the transformation. When I look back to six months ago, that house I once knew is just a memory. Actually, sometimes it feels like my house has always been the way it currently is displayed. It's almost as if the old house was just a dream.

1 year ago:

It's now March of 2013. Boy, my life does not look like that now. The last thing on my mind was a relationship or marriage...let alone with the person I am with. Actually, I wasn't really even talking to him because of personal reasons. As of today, I've already been dating him for almost 7 months (7 months tomorrow...woohoo!). It's weird to think of my life without him. It's like he's always been there. Of course he's been my friend for the past 4 years BUT just a friend. I feel like he's always been there in terms of the intimate friendship we share. The best part is that it's been an exciting 7 months with him, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Also, I was still going to school and taking classes. To date, I not only have my Master's degree, but I also finished off adding my autism endorsement to my teacher certification. It's kind of weird to think my life used to be all about graduate classes. It is so great to be able to come home and not rush to campus to sit in class. It's wonderful to be able to spend my free time reading and doing other relaxing activities, instead of worrying about completing some type of assignment or project. That is one chapter of my life I was glad to see come to an end. Although I bet that in the next year, you'll probably be seeing me apply to a doctoral program or something. ;-)

1 year and 6 months ago:

This now places me at September of 2012. What else to say other than, my grandmother was still alive. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I truly wished that she was here to share in all my accomplishments and to see what I've grown to become in just that short time. I miss talking to her about dancing and music. I miss gleaning from her years of knowledge and experience. I wished I had just a few more hours to hear her voice and soak up everything I could from her. In a way, sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like with her around. I miss her so much. I realize I miss her more and more because she can't share in these new memories. She wasn't able to see my graduate with my Master's degree. She wasn't able to see what our house looks like now. She wasn't able to watch me transition from my old job to my new job. She wasn't able to meet my boyfriend. She won't be able to see me get married. She won't be able to meet my children. I just have to remind myself that she is in a better place, and I was blessed to spend almost 24 years of my life developing a close relationship with her. 

As I look back, I am just blessed to serve this awesome God. Life hasn't been a cake walk. Actually, it's been a real struggle, especially these last few months. It has really tested my relationship and trust in God. However, I am continually reminded that God has a greater plan and that I need to serve Him with my entire being. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

A Year Ago My Life Changed

One year ago on this day, my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother passed away. I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I loved her then and I still love her to this day. The hardest part of it all is seeing how much my life has changed since then and that I can't share in these new memories with her.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to think about it (let alone write about it) but my one wish was for my grandmother to see me get married. Unfortunately, I will never have the pleasure of her sharing in that momentous day when it does come. Now, I know that comment may sound like I'm mad at God. I'm not; don't take that the wrong way. I know God always has a better purpose. And, towards the end, my grandma was very much in pain. To see someone in pain makes you want to see them in pain no longer. So I am full of joy to know that my grandma is no longer in pain and gets to partake in everything that heaven has to offer. However, I greatly miss getting to share with her what is going on in my life, from missions to dancing to the new adventure I'm on with my boyfriend.

Sometimes I wished I could hold on to those moments when she was alive just a little longer. I want to hear her speak just one more time. I want to hear her laugh just one more time. Most of all, I just want to hear her call my name and say "I love you."

I know God only gives us a set amount of time to live on this earth, but many times people forget to cherish those moments. I'm glad God allowed me to have such a close relationship with my grandma. I am beyond blessed that she was one of my greatest supporters and greatest confidants.

I can't wait until the day that I am reunited with her in heaven.

And to say I got through writing this entire post without crying would be a lie. There is probably one tear for every word on this page. Even though I clearly miss her like crazy, I celebrate in the fact that she has a new life with Jesus.

As another door closes...

...another one opens. Or at least that's what everyone says. However, I'm still waiting for that to happen. Today, I walked out of the doors of the high school I was working at for the past two and a half years for the last time. Being told in November that my position was being terminated, I thought I had plenty of time to land another job in something similar to what I felt God gave me a passion to do. Unfortunately, that has not happened. I went to interview after interview but nothing has come from it (at least not yet), except for interview experience.

So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.

The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of  my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.

Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.

Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.

As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

2013: A Year in Review

To say this year has been my most "interesting" year thus far would probably be an understatement. It has been filled with many hardships; however, God has poured out his blessings and shown up in those tough situations...and is still showing up.

My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.

As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.

Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.

From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.

Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.

I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.

For this coming year, I have the following goals:

• Continually develop my relationship with God; seek after His face and to know Him more intimately; trust Him completely; and pursue His heart.
• Obtain a new job, one that God has set aside for me.
• Grow deeper in my relationship with my family and Gabe.
• Regularly go to the gym ;) - yeah, winter weather made me lose any drive to keep going once it hit in November.
• Be a Godly example to the young people I interact with.
• Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom.

Well that's all I can think of for now...

Here's to a fresh start in 2014. I can't wait to see what kind of doors God opens and how He uses me for His glory this coming year.

Lights up my life

So, it's been a while...a long while. This tends to be how I start my blog posts nowadays. Life is crazy, not that that's new news. Many times I sit down thinking I will write something, but I just end up staring at a blank page. I mean I always have something to say; however, I just don't always know what exactly to say or how I should say something.

As I reflect on my life, I am so blessed by the path God has taken me through. At times, it has been frustrating and saddening. Other times, it has been exhilarating and exciting. Through each situation, it is only because of my relationship with God that I am still standing strong. As of the last month and a half, God has brought a person into my life to stand by me in all these moments. I am beyond blessed by my family, as they have always been there and will always be there. However, I am not referring to them. God has been so gracious in letting my desire for a relationship that pursues the idea of marriage to mature and has recently gifted me with the most amazing person in my life, my best friend of almost three years, Gabe. He is the only man I could imagine standing by me through all my trials and triumphs.

Our story is unique, special, and complicated. But, it's OUR story, and it doesn't compare to any Hollywood movie ever scripted. Here's the short end of the story:

• Boy meets girl when Superbowl party hopping with friends on February 7, 2010. 
• Boy and girl become friends over the course of that next year.
• Girl falls for boy at the end of 2010.
• Boy (not really knowing her true feelings) goes away to training and then war.
• Girl is heartbroken.
• Girl and boy stay in touch through letters.
• Girls discovers she will never be able to get over her feelings for the amazing boy.
• Girl begins the avoidance tactic to protect her heart.
• Boy and girl go on a missions trip to Africa.
• Girl is still avoiding but boy begins pursuing.
• Upon coming back, girl lets down a wall and allows boy to enter.
• Boy states his true feelings.
• Girl is left speechless and FINALLY confesses her feelings.
• Boy and girl officially begin courting as of August 19, 2013.

So obviously there is much more to this magnificent story. However, the most important part is that there is this truly amazing guy who wants to get to know me and wants to really pursue me and this idea of marriage.

This man, who has stolen my heart, lights up my life. The most wonderful part of it all is how much he loves Jesus and has a passionate relationship with Him. Gabe shares my dreams for adventure and supports my desires for the future. I am completely smitten by him and can't wait to see how OUR life will unfold together. God has a wonderful plan for my life and I'm so glad He has my best interests in mind. Looking at my life, I'm continually reminded of my life verse, Habakkuk 2:3: "For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

I can never doubt for even a second that God's timing isn't perfect!