We've arrived!

Well it has been a long 36+ hours, but the journey to Ndola has finally ended...or technically is just beginning. Between being over an hour delayed in Detroit and running through the terminals in Amsterdam, the travel has been an adventure. However, even with quite the adventure to start with, we arrived safely AND with all our luggage!

The weather right now is pretty cool. Probably between 70 and 80 in the afternoons and about 60 in the evening. The sun is gorgeous, as it shines throughout the entire day.

To say I missed being here is an understatement. It is almost as if I never left. Tonight is pill-packing for the medical/pharmacy team. Tomorrow begins the outreaches to the villages. Can't wait to see what's in store over the next couple weeks!

The adventure begins...

Well, it's been a while...a long while. I can't believe school has ended, and I'm leaving for Africa tomorrow. To make it short, as I haven't posted in a while, this year has been a crazy one! From working full time (well more than full time with tutoring on the side) to officially completing my Master's --oh yeah, I finished that 2 months ago!--to everything else that life hands you, it seems like it was never going to calm down. But it has, in a way.

I am more excited than ever to be going back to Zambia. However, it still hasn't quite hit me yet. I mean, yes I'm excited and my bags are packed, but it still seems so unreal. Until I board that plane, I don't think it will truly hit me that I'm going back to a country that I hold so dear and near to my heart.

I can't wait to be back in a country with people who are so passionate. Passionate about life, fellowship, and God. The appreciation and joy that is encountered there just seeps through every part of their body. And...it's contagious. Oh, and the music. To hear their voices, their powerful and melodic voices!

Okay, so maybe I'm more than excited and anxious to be going back. I've looked forward to it all year. Every chance I get to talk about my experience, I do. So, I'm ending it for now, but I'll be back in a few days when I have reached Africa.

All in God's timing

The last time I made a post on here was when I found out that a close friend of mine's father had died. It's been almost two months since then. A lot has happened in two months. A lot that has been unexpected, well slightly unexpected.

Almost a month ago, on January 24, my beautiful grandmother went to be with Jesus. My emotions have been all over the place. I was extremely close with my grandma. She was everything to me. I valued her opinion. In my selfish world, she went too soon. However, being that she suffered the five months prior to her death, I know that she is in a much better place and truly received the ultimate healing. My heart is completely torn. No one can understand the type of relationship I had with her nor what I'm really going through. I will cherish the memories we had and will remember her constantly. She was one of my greatest influences. I wouldn't be who am I today without her influence. I only hope that I could one day have half of the qualities she had.

Within the last two months, I have also discovered that my dad got remarried at the end of the year. My mom and him were officially divorced November 1. My dad married his new wife at the end of December. He was dating/seeing his new wife while my parents were still married. I just don't understand how with a Christian mindset this is seen as acceptable. I also don't understand how he can spend all the effort and money he wants into completely remodeling his house, but for the ten or so years he lived with us, he didn't put barely a penny into updating anything. I'm just frustrated...if you can't tell.

However, I've realized with my grandma's passing, my family growing closer, seeing my dad quickly move on, and past experiences/encounters with guys, I've realized I don't know if I'll ever be able to get married. I'll be honest in saying that I have major trust issues, and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy enough to marry him. I adore my family and can sometimes be seen as homebody. You know what, though, that's okay! I'd rather soak in every moment with my family and adopt children, instead of investing into a relationship that could potentially fall apart. I know this may seem like a slightly cynical comment. However, it's amazing how much other situations and people can influence a person's thinking. I've come to the conclusion that I have been hurt, emotionally. It's not that I don't want to get married because that desire is still completely and totally there. Maybe I just need to meet my "Mr. Right" in order to change that perspective, and he hasn't graced his presence in my life yet.

I'm learning that I'm content with where I'm at in my life. To be almost done with school. To be going back to Africa. To be purchasing my house. To be involved in worship through church and other places. To always be strengthening friendships and making new friends. To constantly be going on new adventures. To grow closer to my family. To continually pursue my relationship with Jesus.

I don't understand...

...and probably never will. Yesterday (Christmas day), a very dear and close friend of mine's father passed away. I am in shock. I am in tears. As I was close with the entire family, I know that her dad went to be with Jesus, which is such a wonderful comfort knowing we will all see him again in that day of glory. However, I just don't understand why it all happened the way it did. Sometimes thing just don't seem fair, at least according to my eyes, but I know God sees it differently.

Sitting at the table with mom talking about how it just doesn't seem fair and bringing me to tears, I expressed why do good people with wonderful relationships with Jesus have to leave this earth and why is God keeping around people who are fickle and/or lukewarm. It makes me long for that day of glory that much more, but it also makes my heart break at where this world is headed. My mom brought up something one of her best friends had said a long time ago regarding this very topic. She stated that she believes God is leaving those fickle people around to have time to really figure out their relationship with Jesus. Okay, so that makes sense. But still...

During these moments, it makes me treasure my friends and family, but most of all, it makes me really appreciate that I have been so lucky to grow up in a family that introduced me to Jesus at an early age. I cherish my relationship with Christ.

"One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple." -Psalm 27:4

I melt in Your presence

Lately, I've been confused and unsure regarding some situations. No matter what people tell me or suggest to me, I'm left more perplexed than ever. As I sit at home by myself, I've had a lot of time to just reflect on my life and God's goodness. I know that sometimes waiting and this virtue of patience is a challenge. Countless times have I breached the waiting period and did what I thought was right. Unfortunately, it's come  back and slapped me in the face...and harder than I would have ever expected. Obviously, I just pick up the pieces and move on.

However, I've done this to some "touchy" situations and I believe I've left myself numb to take any chances or even bother. I've realized that sometimes I would rather live in my current moment rather than go forward. I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm afraid to put myself out there.

Honestly, though, these are the moments were I become very frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Other days, I wished I could backtrack a year and a half ago. Then there are those times were I just wished I could live that present moment over and over. Where am I at right now?? Honestly, I don't know. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the future. In a way, I'm completely and totally scared as to what my life will look like ten years from now. I'm afraid of moving out of God's will. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm listening to my heart and not His. Many times, I just want to fall a part in His presence because that is the only place I know I am safe.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to "The More I Seek You," as sung by Steffany Frizzell, and crying. I'm crying because I have just melted in God's presence. I talk all the time about getting an unreal douse of the Holy Spirit and just soaking it up by being in His presence. I know this song backwards and forwards. I've even used it when leading worship, but it was highlighted at this very moment that His presence is what gives me peace. It is where I break down and can just be me. I don't have to make an impression for anyone because who I am is just about glorifying Jesus. How UNBELIEVABLE is that?!?!?!

I serve this awesome God who loves me more in a moment than I would EVER be loved in a lifetime. I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3:17). I am saved by His steadfast love (Psalm 31:16). I can love others because God loves me (1 John 4:7-8). I am loved by God because I diligently seek His face (Proverbs 8:17).  I want God to pull me closer and take me deeper. I want to know His heart and want to melt away in His presence. As I know that these coming months and years will hold many challenges, it is such a comfort to know that I serve this awesome God who will never stop loving me.

Being stretched

I'm half way through the fall semester of  grad classes and already half way through first semester of teaching at the high school. Where has the year gone?!?! I can't believe I'm less than 3 short weeks away from Thanksgiving and less than 7 weeks from Christmas. It is unreal that 2012 is almost over. In a way, I'm relieved that it is and can't wait to see what 2013 will hold. I love the idea of new beginnings. It reminds me what Isaiah 43:18-19 has to say: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.

Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.

Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]

Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).

Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.

"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).

You have won my heart

So I got a text from a friend of mine from Ghana a few days...yes, as in Ghana, Africa. We met while I was in Zambia and thanks to technology have been able to stay connected. He is such a blessing in my life, as he is so passionate about his relationship with Jesus. Anyway, one day he just asked me the following: "What has the Lord been teaching you?" I had to think and reflect...what has God really been teaching me?

Over the last month, God has been just pouring out and displaying His amazing love, whether it is through scripture, action, or song. People who really know me know that I am always questioning whether I'm following the will of God. Sometimes it can tend to leave me...well...a bit distressed. ;) I'm so honored to be where I am at, but it is that unknown future that scares me...literally. Sometimes, all I need is God to just surround me with His love to calm me down.

However, how many people can say that they are 100% confident in their future (how it will turn out) and can number their days? Honestly, I don't think one person REALLY can. As I was talking with a friend of mine today, one who's married, we were talking about the "game" of relationships between guys and girls. Her comment was how she was glad that she was married because she really doesn't miss the game of trying to figure out if a guy was trying to pursue her...as the way guys think and girls think is SO VERY DIFFERENT! Sometimes I wished I could read a guys true motives...seriously! All selfish ambitions aside, you have no idea how much this would even help with teaching junior and senior boys.

Okay, so how is this related to my original thought process? Well, God is continually reminding me that He is the only one that has not only won my heart but keeps it close to His. He is also the one that is in control.

Struggling to fall asleep one night last week, I decided to turn on my iPod. The song that comes on, as I'm trying to shut my mind off is "Song of Love" by Jaye Thomas. It totally broke my heart right at that moment. I realized God truly holds my heart in His hands. The best part of it all is that God's love for me makes me want to pursue harder after Him. I truly want to sit at His feet and hear His heart beat.

As I was texting with my friend from Ghana, he wrote the following to me: "You should always remember that you are a great lady...God is nearer to you more than you can think of. Just as Deborah [had a] huge responsibility and anointing, so you are." It was so what I needed to hear. However, I didn't really know I needed it until I read it. God has such perfect timing. His perfect timing is always a reminder that He cares for me and not only has He won my heart but He is continually pursing to win my heart.

To close, two verses are brought to mind as I finish this post:

• “I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:1-2)

• “I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)

I am just so honored to serve a God who loves me with a fiery passion. I am blessed that He takes the time to display and remind me of His love for me. God is just so good!

Here is the song that started the thought process regarding God's love for me. :)