Lately, I've been confused and unsure regarding some situations. No matter what people tell me or suggest to me, I'm left more perplexed than ever. As I sit at home by myself, I've had a lot of time to just reflect on my life and God's goodness. I know that sometimes waiting and this virtue of patience is a challenge. Countless times have I breached the waiting period and did what I thought was right. Unfortunately, it's come back and slapped me in the face...and harder than I would have ever expected. Obviously, I just pick up the pieces and move on.
However, I've done this to some "touchy" situations and I believe I've left myself numb to take any chances or even bother. I've realized that sometimes I would rather live in my current moment rather than go forward. I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm afraid to put myself out there.
Honestly, though, these are the moments were I become very frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Other days, I wished I could backtrack a year and a half ago. Then there are those times were I just wished I could live that present moment over and over. Where am I at right now?? Honestly, I don't know. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the future. In a way, I'm completely and totally scared as to what my life will look like ten years from now. I'm afraid of moving out of God's will. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm listening to my heart and not His. Many times, I just want to fall a part in His presence because that is the only place I know I am safe.
As I'm typing this, I'm listening to "The More I Seek You," as sung by Steffany Frizzell, and crying. I'm crying because I have just melted in God's presence. I talk all the time about getting an unreal douse of the Holy Spirit and just soaking it up by being in His presence. I know this song backwards and forwards. I've even used it when leading worship, but it was highlighted at this very moment that His presence is what gives me peace. It is where I break down and can just be me. I don't have to make an impression for anyone because who I am is just about glorifying Jesus. How UNBELIEVABLE is that?!?!?!
I serve this awesome God who loves me more in a moment than I would EVER be loved in a lifetime. I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3:17). I am saved by His steadfast love (Psalm 31:16). I can love others because God loves me (1 John 4:7-8). I am loved by God because I diligently seek His face (Proverbs 8:17). I want God to pull me closer and take me deeper. I want to know His heart and want to melt away in His presence. As I know that these coming months and years will hold many challenges, it is such a comfort to know that I serve this awesome God who will never stop loving me.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Being stretched
I'm half way through the fall semester of grad classes and already half way through first semester of teaching at the high school. Where has the year gone?!?! I can't believe I'm less than 3 short weeks away from Thanksgiving and less than 7 weeks from Christmas. It is unreal that 2012 is almost over. In a way, I'm relieved that it is and can't wait to see what 2013 will hold. I love the idea of new beginnings. It reminds me what Isaiah 43:18-19 has to say: "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.
Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.
Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]
Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).
Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.
"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).
Speaking of new beginnings, my cousin had baby #2, a little girl. Her name is Kelsie, and she is absolutely precious! I was able to hold her at not quite two weeks old. I completely fell in love. I left my cousin's house with the excitement that I cannot WAIT until the day I am a mother. I know I've always gone back and forth about the whole topic of marriage and kids (reason to be mentioned later), but after the other night, it became super clear that I do want to get married and I do want to have kids.
Anyway, these past few weeks have been overwhelming and extremely hectic. I've realized two grad classes, beginning the process for my Master's project, working full time, and having multiple commitments at church has been quite the daunting task. I love challenges, but sometimes it can be annoying how much work I always have to do. I have come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months there will not be day that goes by that I won't have some type of work to do. You know what? That's okay. When the next six months are over, I will be able to reflect on how many hoops I have had to jump through and how much effort I have had to put in to get the MA degree and that much closer to nearing the completion of my ASD endorsement.
Lately, God has been stretching me and making things clearer than ever before. For the longest time, I just wouldn't accept it. What am I talking about??? Well, marriage, silly! Anyway, I will finish off the "reasoned to be mentioned later" part now. I've realized that my heart is sold out on one thing...and has been for quite some time now. However, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Until talking with a friend recently, I realized that I can't move forward until this feeling goes or... [insert something else here]
Anyway, at first I was extremely frustrated and pleaded with God to just let me move forward and really be open to that deep desire of marriage. Then I realized that I just have to allow God work in me according to His time, not mine. Yes, there are those frustrating moments but I know that whatever comes from all this will end with the most joyous celebration. I am constantly reminded of the following verse from Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This verse makes me then reflect on scripture written in Jeremiah: "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7-8).
Through all of the various battles in my mind, God is really highlighting and reminding me that I was made to worship Him and do the work that He has called me to do. Re-reading The Slumber of Christianity by Ted Dekker for my Lifegroup has been a great way to, once again, open my eyes to realize that I was not made for life on earth. I was made to love God, love people, and live out the Great Commission.
"I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:8).
Thursday, September 6, 2012
You have won my heart
So I got a text from a friend of mine from Ghana a few days...yes, as in Ghana, Africa. We met while I was in Zambia and thanks to technology have been able to stay connected. He is such a blessing in my life, as he is so passionate about his relationship with Jesus. Anyway, one day he just asked me the following: "What has the Lord been teaching you?" I had to think and reflect...what has God really been teaching me?
Over the last month, God has been just pouring out and displaying His amazing love, whether it is through scripture, action, or song. People who really know me know that I am always questioning whether I'm following the will of God. Sometimes it can tend to leave me...well...a bit distressed. ;) I'm so honored to be where I am at, but it is that unknown future that scares me...literally. Sometimes, all I need is God to just surround me with His love to calm me down.
However, how many people can say that they are 100% confident in their future (how it will turn out) and can number their days? Honestly, I don't think one person REALLY can. As I was talking with a friend of mine today, one who's married, we were talking about the "game" of relationships between guys and girls. Her comment was how she was glad that she was married because she really doesn't miss the game of trying to figure out if a guy was trying to pursue her...as the way guys think and girls think is SO VERY DIFFERENT! Sometimes I wished I could read a guys true motives...seriously! All selfish ambitions aside, you have no idea how much this would even help with teaching junior and senior boys.
Okay, so how is this related to my original thought process? Well, God is continually reminding me that He is the only one that has not only won my heart but keeps it close to His. He is also the one that is in control.
Struggling to fall asleep one night last week, I decided to turn on my iPod. The song that comes on, as I'm trying to shut my mind off is "Song of Love" by Jaye Thomas. It totally broke my heart right at that moment. I realized God truly holds my heart in His hands. The best part of it all is that God's love for me makes me want to pursue harder after Him. I truly want to sit at His feet and hear His heart beat.
As I was texting with my friend from Ghana, he wrote the following to me: "You should always remember that you are a great lady...God is nearer to you more than you can think of. Just as Deborah [had a] huge responsibility and anointing, so you are." It was so what I needed to hear. However, I didn't really know I needed it until I read it. God has such perfect timing. His perfect timing is always a reminder that He cares for me and not only has He won my heart but He is continually pursing to win my heart.
To close, two verses are brought to mind as I finish this post:
Over the last month, God has been just pouring out and displaying His amazing love, whether it is through scripture, action, or song. People who really know me know that I am always questioning whether I'm following the will of God. Sometimes it can tend to leave me...well...a bit distressed. ;) I'm so honored to be where I am at, but it is that unknown future that scares me...literally. Sometimes, all I need is God to just surround me with His love to calm me down.
However, how many people can say that they are 100% confident in their future (how it will turn out) and can number their days? Honestly, I don't think one person REALLY can. As I was talking with a friend of mine today, one who's married, we were talking about the "game" of relationships between guys and girls. Her comment was how she was glad that she was married because she really doesn't miss the game of trying to figure out if a guy was trying to pursue her...as the way guys think and girls think is SO VERY DIFFERENT! Sometimes I wished I could read a guys true motives...seriously! All selfish ambitions aside, you have no idea how much this would even help with teaching junior and senior boys.
Okay, so how is this related to my original thought process? Well, God is continually reminding me that He is the only one that has not only won my heart but keeps it close to His. He is also the one that is in control.
Struggling to fall asleep one night last week, I decided to turn on my iPod. The song that comes on, as I'm trying to shut my mind off is "Song of Love" by Jaye Thomas. It totally broke my heart right at that moment. I realized God truly holds my heart in His hands. The best part of it all is that God's love for me makes me want to pursue harder after Him. I truly want to sit at His feet and hear His heart beat.
As I was texting with my friend from Ghana, he wrote the following to me: "You should always remember that you are a great lady...God is nearer to you more than you can think of. Just as Deborah [had a] huge responsibility and anointing, so you are." It was so what I needed to hear. However, I didn't really know I needed it until I read it. God has such perfect timing. His perfect timing is always a reminder that He cares for me and not only has He won my heart but He is continually pursing to win my heart.
To close, two verses are brought to mind as I finish this post:
- “I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:1-2)
- “I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)
Here is the song that started the thought process regarding God's love for me. :)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Avoidance
I've learned that avoidance is a great technique, haha. Okay, not really. It is actually a horrible thing that I deploy when I know I need to do something, like read a book that I have to teach or write on this blog. Actually I've really been trying to figure out how to write this post since almost 3 weeks ago. I've written it out in my head during those nights I have a hard time falling asleep because I have too much on my mind or when I'm either going for a run or taking the dog for a walk. Mostly in those quiet moment where I have time to think.
About three weeks after coming back from Africa, I was, after too much time a part, finally able to talk to a really good friend who lives in Chicago. This friend of mine also had the chance to do mission work the first two weeks of July in Brazil. He's my friend that I can always rely on to make things deep. In other words, I always have EXTREMELY meaningful conversations with him, which I greatly appreciate.
It, honestly, took me two weeks to get out of a bout of severe depression. I've never really been majorly depressed, at least not like this. It wasn't the "I'm so depressed. I hate my life." It was depression related to trying to figure out and apply everything I brought back with me from Africa. I am still very real about being open to relocate to Africa. I understand that I am stationed here in America for a few more years, but after that point, I am open to going where God needs me. Truthfully, I would love to open an orphanage.
Okay, so back to why I mentioned the conversation with my friend. After he came back from his mission trip, we discussed our experiences, what we learned, what we saw, etc. Once we shared stories about our trips, we began talking about how it related to our relationship with Jesus and how it impacted our Christian lives. Both of us realized how casual Christians are here in American, and probably most Third World countries. Actually for me, it was VERY frustrating, and I realized that is what was causing most of my depression. My heart was aching for the lukewarm Christians that lived in America and the fact that the heart of America has been buried by materialism and selfish desires.
During our conversation, we came to the conclusion that the problem with Christians in America is that many of them have not had a true encounter with Jesus and don't understand what it means to really have a relationship with Him. I realized that the people who were passionate Christ followers in Africa were just that, PASSIONATE! I'm not saying all Christians aren't passionate, but anymore it seems that it is like finding a needle in a haystack.
There was one thing that my friend said that has seemed to stick with me since then. He said that my experience in Africa is much like how our relationship with Christ should be. Before traveling to Africa, I knew all about where I was going and what it was going to be like. I wasn't shocked as to what I was walking into. I knew that it was going to be a Third World country and the traditional American way of living was practically royalty there. However, I didn't expect how much I would want to be there rather than in America. Once I experienced it, all I could do was dream of being there, and I couldn't stop talking about it or thinking about it.
Our Christian walk is much like this. Many people know of everything the Bible has to say. Many people also know of all the "Christian" ways. However, what many people don't understand is the experience factor. Once you have a true encounter with God, a person couldn't think of living life any other way. After that encounter all they think about is being with Jesus and communing with Him. It turns into a love relationship; however, before that it wasn't a relationship at all. It was just a bunch of facts stored in the brain.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be my main passion. More than anything, I want others to have that true encounter with God and desire to have a relationship with Christ. It breaks my heart to see so many people living a casual Christian lifestyle. I know sometimes I can fall in this category, but I am so glad God quickens my heart to desire to live out the Great Commission, as stated in Matthew 28:18-20, and passionately pursue Him.
About three weeks after coming back from Africa, I was, after too much time a part, finally able to talk to a really good friend who lives in Chicago. This friend of mine also had the chance to do mission work the first two weeks of July in Brazil. He's my friend that I can always rely on to make things deep. In other words, I always have EXTREMELY meaningful conversations with him, which I greatly appreciate.
It, honestly, took me two weeks to get out of a bout of severe depression. I've never really been majorly depressed, at least not like this. It wasn't the "I'm so depressed. I hate my life." It was depression related to trying to figure out and apply everything I brought back with me from Africa. I am still very real about being open to relocate to Africa. I understand that I am stationed here in America for a few more years, but after that point, I am open to going where God needs me. Truthfully, I would love to open an orphanage.
Okay, so back to why I mentioned the conversation with my friend. After he came back from his mission trip, we discussed our experiences, what we learned, what we saw, etc. Once we shared stories about our trips, we began talking about how it related to our relationship with Jesus and how it impacted our Christian lives. Both of us realized how casual Christians are here in American, and probably most Third World countries. Actually for me, it was VERY frustrating, and I realized that is what was causing most of my depression. My heart was aching for the lukewarm Christians that lived in America and the fact that the heart of America has been buried by materialism and selfish desires.
During our conversation, we came to the conclusion that the problem with Christians in America is that many of them have not had a true encounter with Jesus and don't understand what it means to really have a relationship with Him. I realized that the people who were passionate Christ followers in Africa were just that, PASSIONATE! I'm not saying all Christians aren't passionate, but anymore it seems that it is like finding a needle in a haystack.
There was one thing that my friend said that has seemed to stick with me since then. He said that my experience in Africa is much like how our relationship with Christ should be. Before traveling to Africa, I knew all about where I was going and what it was going to be like. I wasn't shocked as to what I was walking into. I knew that it was going to be a Third World country and the traditional American way of living was practically royalty there. However, I didn't expect how much I would want to be there rather than in America. Once I experienced it, all I could do was dream of being there, and I couldn't stop talking about it or thinking about it.
Our Christian walk is much like this. Many people know of everything the Bible has to say. Many people also know of all the "Christian" ways. However, what many people don't understand is the experience factor. Once you have a true encounter with God, a person couldn't think of living life any other way. After that encounter all they think about is being with Jesus and communing with Him. It turns into a love relationship; however, before that it wasn't a relationship at all. It was just a bunch of facts stored in the brain.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be my main passion. More than anything, I want others to have that true encounter with God and desire to have a relationship with Christ. It breaks my heart to see so many people living a casual Christian lifestyle. I know sometimes I can fall in this category, but I am so glad God quickens my heart to desire to live out the Great Commission, as stated in Matthew 28:18-20, and passionately pursue Him.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Back from Zambia
Well, I would be lying if I said that I am glad to be home. I am happy to see my family, but I would move to Africa in a second. I always felt like a part of me was over there, as it was my dream to go. However, I didn't realize how hard it would be coming back. The trip was absolutely amazing! Enjoyed doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about it.
My passion has always been to adopt children. You can see that it is on my bucket list. Now that I've spent time with many children and many orphans, my heart has been completely broken. I would adopt in a second. I completely fell in love with one particular child, Chisenga. Chisenga is about 6...although his actual age is a guesstimate. I wouldn't think twice about adopting him. Unfortunately, America's requirement is 25 years of age. Here's to the countdown of turning 25.
Here's a picture of me and Chisenga:
Going to Africa has changed me. It has made me realize how selfish and self-centered Americans are. It's made me realize that the materials things don't matter. Honestly, I hate being back. Yes, I missed my family, but I was so happy being in Africa. The people are so different. They are so happy and appreciate everything they have, which is next to nothing. They also appreciate their relationship with Jesus and walk with God. Their most treasured item seems to be a Bible.
It seems that in desperate situations people in America seek God. If we were desperate all the time, would this mindset change to pursuing God 24/7?
I cannot wait to go back. I am just trusting God because He has the perfect plan and the perfect timing.
My passion has always been to adopt children. You can see that it is on my bucket list. Now that I've spent time with many children and many orphans, my heart has been completely broken. I would adopt in a second. I completely fell in love with one particular child, Chisenga. Chisenga is about 6...although his actual age is a guesstimate. I wouldn't think twice about adopting him. Unfortunately, America's requirement is 25 years of age. Here's to the countdown of turning 25.
Here's a picture of me and Chisenga:
Going to Africa has changed me. It has made me realize how selfish and self-centered Americans are. It's made me realize that the materials things don't matter. Honestly, I hate being back. Yes, I missed my family, but I was so happy being in Africa. The people are so different. They are so happy and appreciate everything they have, which is next to nothing. They also appreciate their relationship with Jesus and walk with God. Their most treasured item seems to be a Bible.
It seems that in desperate situations people in America seek God. If we were desperate all the time, would this mindset change to pursuing God 24/7?
I cannot wait to go back. I am just trusting God because He has the perfect plan and the perfect timing.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
That time of year
It seems to be that time of year where I am doing a lot of reflecting on where I've been over the past couple years, how I've changed, and where my life seems to be headed. A year ago I was sitting at a different high school being a long-term sub for an English, Child Development, and Nutrition classroom. I thought for sure the only high school I would want to teach at was that one. I was also interested in someone, and I thought the idea of being in a relationship would be the greatest thing. My life is not even a glimpse of what it was a year ago.
As for my "love" life (or should I say non-existent love life), here is all that happened in a year, and I couldn't be more happy where I am at right at this moment. Fortunately that interest that I had a year ago quickly went away within just a few weeks because I realized it wasn't what God wanted, but then someone else popped into the picture unexpectedly. To start, that was complicated and I fell for it, which was stupid on my part. After a few months of having my heart intertwined with something that wasn't even there, I was taken by surprise with another person. However, I quickly ended anything before it started because I clearly let my emotions get in the way. Plus, we were VERY different on every level. The funny part is that even knowing this person for two years I thought I knew him. I guess it can take a long time to learn things about people, even when you thought you knew them inside and out. In a way, it's quite scary and it's made me realize that I will be approaching relationships from an extremely different angle. Oh well, I don't regret it because it made me realize how important I am, and if I were ever to get married I deserve someone who treats me like a queen. I've worked very hard to get where I am, and I want someone who has all the same ambitions in mind, someone who is compatible with me, and someone who has this amazing relationship with Jesus. So, to close this section of my life, I have to be completely honest in saying that I'm happy being single. I'm happy with it being just me and Jesus. In a way, I have a wonderful love life...just in a different way.
In regards to my job, I was so off as to what I thought I wanted. I, honestly, thought I would never be working in the special education field. I thought I was burnt out. I loved being an English teacher. However, God rocked my world when I was given the opportunity to work as a special education teacher at a high school that was quite a distance from the school I wanted to work at. You know what, this position has reacquainted me with my love for working in the special education field. Plus, I have been given so many more opportunities working here. Yes, I have learned a lot of patience and trusting God, but it has been an amazing experience. To be trained in reading strategies and to be able to develop an English Resource curriculum, are just a few of the amazing ways I have been blessed. So not only have I been reintroduced to my love for special education but I am now going to be experiencing teaching English to special education students. This is literally my dream job. How cool is God!
As for my schooling...well, I really wished I was done BUT I have been blessed in many different ways. I am very glad my Master's program is coming to a close. I'm excited about the topic I will writing my final project on and I'm am even more excited that I am working with my first choice for my advisor. With the ASD program, I would be lying if I said I have always to do it. Honestly, I said I would NEVER go for my ASD endorsement. Well, I'm seriously learning to never say never. I am so glad that the college I am at for my Master's is willing to work with me. The plus side is that the program is cheaper and the department is working with my prior experience.
Lastly, Africa. I couldn't be more excited to go to Africa. I feel like there is a huge part of me that belongs there. I can't wait to work with the kids to teach them swing dancing and jump rope. I am also blessed to be able to work with the other amazing 32 people that are going. It will be quite an experience, and I can't wait to document all my adventures while I am there.
Well, I think that gives a general summation of my life and how it's changed. I'm at this place in my life where God has just really shown me that even though I may not get my desires right at the moment I want them, He has His mysterious way of allowing it to all work out at some point, whether it be the next day or a few years down the road. This just reminds me of two scripture verses. These verses make me remember that God is in control, and He really only wants what is best for me.
"A man's heart plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)
As for my "love" life (or should I say non-existent love life), here is all that happened in a year, and I couldn't be more happy where I am at right at this moment. Fortunately that interest that I had a year ago quickly went away within just a few weeks because I realized it wasn't what God wanted, but then someone else popped into the picture unexpectedly. To start, that was complicated and I fell for it, which was stupid on my part. After a few months of having my heart intertwined with something that wasn't even there, I was taken by surprise with another person. However, I quickly ended anything before it started because I clearly let my emotions get in the way. Plus, we were VERY different on every level. The funny part is that even knowing this person for two years I thought I knew him. I guess it can take a long time to learn things about people, even when you thought you knew them inside and out. In a way, it's quite scary and it's made me realize that I will be approaching relationships from an extremely different angle. Oh well, I don't regret it because it made me realize how important I am, and if I were ever to get married I deserve someone who treats me like a queen. I've worked very hard to get where I am, and I want someone who has all the same ambitions in mind, someone who is compatible with me, and someone who has this amazing relationship with Jesus. So, to close this section of my life, I have to be completely honest in saying that I'm happy being single. I'm happy with it being just me and Jesus. In a way, I have a wonderful love life...just in a different way.
In regards to my job, I was so off as to what I thought I wanted. I, honestly, thought I would never be working in the special education field. I thought I was burnt out. I loved being an English teacher. However, God rocked my world when I was given the opportunity to work as a special education teacher at a high school that was quite a distance from the school I wanted to work at. You know what, this position has reacquainted me with my love for working in the special education field. Plus, I have been given so many more opportunities working here. Yes, I have learned a lot of patience and trusting God, but it has been an amazing experience. To be trained in reading strategies and to be able to develop an English Resource curriculum, are just a few of the amazing ways I have been blessed. So not only have I been reintroduced to my love for special education but I am now going to be experiencing teaching English to special education students. This is literally my dream job. How cool is God!
As for my schooling...well, I really wished I was done BUT I have been blessed in many different ways. I am very glad my Master's program is coming to a close. I'm excited about the topic I will writing my final project on and I'm am even more excited that I am working with my first choice for my advisor. With the ASD program, I would be lying if I said I have always to do it. Honestly, I said I would NEVER go for my ASD endorsement. Well, I'm seriously learning to never say never. I am so glad that the college I am at for my Master's is willing to work with me. The plus side is that the program is cheaper and the department is working with my prior experience.
Lastly, Africa. I couldn't be more excited to go to Africa. I feel like there is a huge part of me that belongs there. I can't wait to work with the kids to teach them swing dancing and jump rope. I am also blessed to be able to work with the other amazing 32 people that are going. It will be quite an experience, and I can't wait to document all my adventures while I am there.
Well, I think that gives a general summation of my life and how it's changed. I'm at this place in my life where God has just really shown me that even though I may not get my desires right at the moment I want them, He has His mysterious way of allowing it to all work out at some point, whether it be the next day or a few years down the road. This just reminds me of two scripture verses. These verses make me remember that God is in control, and He really only wants what is best for me.
"A man's heart plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." (Psalm 37:4-5).
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The sun is shining through the clouds
My posting has been next to nothing. I've been spending a little more time on my educational blog for my graduate class, and with so much going on, I haven't had a chance to just sit down and type. Well, I've realized that even though I encounter frustrating moments, the sun always ends up shining through. My life has been great these past two weeks, but it has taken me quite a while to realize why my emotions can feel like they are on a roller coaster.
A couple weekends ago, I went through a real slump. I was literally battling with my identity. I was constantly getting into arguments with my mom, and I was having a hard time just coming home to my family every day. I just wanted to move out and find my own place...ALONE! However, after spending a weekend with this one person that I've known for quite a few years, I realized that every time I conversed or spent time with this person I become frustrated, irritated, and depressed, along with many other angry emotions. When I broke away from the relationship by avoiding contact, I felt and feel so much better. As much as it is hard to do, I've realized this person is draining and taxing on my emotions, and I need to be around people that are uplifting and leave me wanting to spend more time with them.
People have been trying to tell me it for a couple years, but I just kept pushing them aside because I didn't think it was true. However, after whatever spiritual attack I had that weekend, I realized I couldn't handle it any longer. Jesus is my only joy, but I was far from feeling joyful a couple weeks ago. As I've been mostly to myself and my family these past couple weeks I've realized how much more joy I have. I love my life. I love my relationship with Christ. I love my job and am sooooo excited to see how God is going to open doors next year. I love where I'm at in my education with my MA program and ASD endorsement. I am BEYOND excited for Zambia. I even love that God allows me the opportunity to go swing dancing, which is my favorite thing to do outside of church, work, school, and family. I also love and appreciate that I have an amazing family that always support me and a small group of wonderful friends that have similar interests and aspirations.
Overall, I'm just blessed at how much God has been revealing to me. Even though sometimes it can be painful to let things go, I know it is for the best. Here are three verses that I've been reading:
A couple weekends ago, I went through a real slump. I was literally battling with my identity. I was constantly getting into arguments with my mom, and I was having a hard time just coming home to my family every day. I just wanted to move out and find my own place...ALONE! However, after spending a weekend with this one person that I've known for quite a few years, I realized that every time I conversed or spent time with this person I become frustrated, irritated, and depressed, along with many other angry emotions. When I broke away from the relationship by avoiding contact, I felt and feel so much better. As much as it is hard to do, I've realized this person is draining and taxing on my emotions, and I need to be around people that are uplifting and leave me wanting to spend more time with them.
People have been trying to tell me it for a couple years, but I just kept pushing them aside because I didn't think it was true. However, after whatever spiritual attack I had that weekend, I realized I couldn't handle it any longer. Jesus is my only joy, but I was far from feeling joyful a couple weeks ago. As I've been mostly to myself and my family these past couple weeks I've realized how much more joy I have. I love my life. I love my relationship with Christ. I love my job and am sooooo excited to see how God is going to open doors next year. I love where I'm at in my education with my MA program and ASD endorsement. I am BEYOND excited for Zambia. I even love that God allows me the opportunity to go swing dancing, which is my favorite thing to do outside of church, work, school, and family. I also love and appreciate that I have an amazing family that always support me and a small group of wonderful friends that have similar interests and aspirations.
Overall, I'm just blessed at how much God has been revealing to me. Even though sometimes it can be painful to let things go, I know it is for the best. Here are three verses that I've been reading:
- "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." (Matthew 5:6)
- "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (Psalm 46:10)
- "And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." (Hebrews 6:11-12)
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