I need you and I want you

These two simple phrases have left my mouth over the past few months. It took me a long time to recognize that, as much as I love being totally independent, I appreciate that fact that I have a man by my side who wants me to need him and want him. I have learned that I do, in fact, want him and need him. 

However, the one thing I have always struggled with is giving every second of every day over to Jesus. Yes, I have a relationship with Him, but I don't always cherish that relationship and give it the time it really needs. I hate that I can so easily push it aside, when I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him. 

Today, during lunch, I was spending some time listening to the heart of God. I heard Him question me: "How much do you want Me? How much do you need Me?" I realized at that moment that I only outwardly express those desires during desperate times of need...which currently happens to be where I'm at in life. But, reality is that I shouldn't require "wake-up calls" to force me to fall on my knees and need Him. I should need Him and want Him every second of every day. 

I am not perfect. I do not think I'm perfect. I know I never will be perfect here on this earth. However, I need to strive after living my life as an image of God. I know I sin and make mistakes, but the repentance that God offers is such a beautiful thing. Sadly, I take it all for granted. 

I am very thankful for these realizations. I'm thankful I serve such a faithful and gracious God, who allows me to work through my mistakes. I am thankful for the blood of Jesus that makes all things like new. I'm thankful for the ability commune with Holy Spirit. Overall, this hard realization of the box I put God in has made me grateful that He continually draws me to Him and is always standing there, even after the countless times I ignore Him. 

As time lapses

Once again, I blink and a few months go by. How does that happen?!?! I guess it's just called life. And, sadly, I've heard that it goes be even faster as you get older. So, I just need to enjoy the moments as they happen.

Much has happened in the past couple months...probably TOO much to squeeze in one tiny blog post. So, micro-sized stories will have to do...well, for most things.

As of Sunday, I just returned from my first Alaskan cruise. It was unbelievable. The splendor of the beauty. Words cannot describe. I was able to see the magnificent glaciers. I was also able to visit Juneau, Skagway, and Ketchikan. I saw whales, both Orca and Humpback. I was able to travel through the White Pass Trail up to the Yukon Territory. I was able to hold puppies that are bred for being competitive sled dogs. But the best part was enjoying this trip with my mom. Moments like these are so precious and is what I will treasure for years to come. Our relationship may not be perfect because we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything. However, she is the one who birthed me, raised me, cared for me, loved me at my worst, and has become my best friend. I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.

With this coming year, there are crazy changes ahead. I am still teaching full time special education. However, I'm going to be tackling a new part-time job: being an English instructor at the nearby community college. It came as a total surprise and was like a whirlwind. One minute I didn't even have this in my plans and the next minute I'm filling out hiring paperwork to teach an Academic Literacy course in the evening two days a week. What?!?! How did it happen?? I honestly don't know. It was a total God thing. My life is going to become SUPER crazy in just a mere week, but I'm beyond excited to fulfill my dream of teaching college. Although, on top of teaching full-time in a middle school and part-time in the college, I'm going back for my math endorsement. The program I'm taking is accelerated, which means my classes are only ten weeks long. And my first class is Pre-Calculus. Sometimes, I question if I'm purposely trying to make myself stress out. I know it's in God's hands. I just need to rely on Him for peace and comfort because anybody who knows me, knows I stress out super easily.

And of course my love life. Well, I can happily say that I am more in love with Gabe every passing day. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful man I could have asked for. Yes, we've had rocky parts in our relationship, but we've worked through it all and become so much stronger in God and so much closer as a couple. Marriage is definitely in the cards in the coming year...which is BEYOND exciting! No, I don't have a ring on my finger yet. And, yes, I'm anxiously anticipating his proposal (*hint, hint* haha). So yes, wedding planning will be thrown into the mix of my already crazy busy life, which means I am so looking forward to marrying Gabe because then I'll finally be able to spend time with him. Sadly, right now our lives are only able to handle about one day a week of seeing each other. I could really handle at least seven days a week ;-)

Well, I think that just about sums it up for now. I would love to say that hopefully I don't keep this streak going of forgetting to post until months go by, but I can't make any promises. Although, if a certain event does take place, I CAN promise you that a post will be made.

Done

I can't stand selfish people. I can't stand when people think that what they're doing is a "good thing" yet all they do is do things to make them feel happy not other people. I can't surround myself with those people. I need to feel happiness and joy. The only ones I truly get that from are Jesus, my family, and select friends. I hate that being around such people, selfish people, make me feel angry and hurt. I hate this. I can't put on the mask that everything is okay for much longer. Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I need my fairytale yet the situation I'm in will never make that happen. I'm done. I've waited too long, and I will wait no longer!

Will it ever make sense?

Honestly, it probably won't. I don't understand why I feel like my life is a constant uphill battle. I know they say God gives you as much as you can handle. But somehow God must think I'm strong. However, I feel like I'm weakening. Between my work and my relationships, sometimes...many times...life doesn't seem fair. Not that life is supposed to be fair. Did I do something to deserve all these struggles? Yet, my struggles aren't that bad compared to the other people out there. Sometimes I wished I had a life button that said "quit" or "start over." I think I'm ready and looking forward to celebrating life in heaven. This world means nothing to me. I received more pain than happiness from this world. The only joy I've found is in Jesus Christ.

9 Months

9 months of some joy
But more pain.
9 months of getting closer
Yet farther apart.

At 9 months, I should feel:
Confidant about you
Excited for a future
Wholly yours
Loved, cherished, and adored.

But at 9 months, I feel:
Uncertain about you
Terrified and unsure of a future with you
Cheated on
Used, insignificant, and worthless.

Why do I put myself through this?
"Us" has always been about you
Not me, not us, but you.
I'm tired of you.
I need it to be about me.

You say you love me
But those are empty words.
Deep down, I'm just your best friend
Nothing more.
I'm not the girl you love.
I'm not the girl you adore.

I'm just a stupid girl
Who's fallen for you
Who's put up with so much of your crap
Who's allowed you to make mistakes
Who's let you love other things
Who's waited and hoped for change
Who's just a stupid fool.
I deserve better, much better.

I'm fragile
But you're oblivious.
You've broken me too many times
And only God can mend the pieces

You act like nothing is wrong
Yet underneath my facade, I am:
Broken and used
Frustrated and disappointed
Holding regrets
Scared I went wrong 9 months ago.

I should be treated as a rare diamond
Yet I'm treated as cubic zirconium.
I'm just a fix,
A fulfilled satisfaction.

Where's the spontaneity?
Where's the pizzazz?
Where the creativity?
Where's the element of surprise?

I'm still in the tower
Waiting for my Knight, my Prince.
Will he ever find me and rescue me?
Will my fairytale ever begin?

I've lost hope.
Maybe it's time to stop waiting.
Maybe it's time for me to move.
Maybe it's a time for a change in thinking.

Yes! That's it, a change!
These 9 months revolved around you.
I can promise, though...
These next 9 months
And the rest of my life
Will be about
Me.

Just when things were looking up

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important" - Kathryn Stockett, The Help

I feel like, right now, this quote is continuously running through my head. Now, grant it, I haven't heard it in a long time, but after a series of events, I've come to the conclusion that I need to do things for me. I'm tired of giving and giving and seeing little in return. I'm not talking about my job or my volunteer work but relationships.

I hate feeling insignificant. Not that I want to be put on a pedestal BUT and this is a BIG but, I hate feeling like I'm nothing. I hate feeling like a satisfaction fix. Mostly, I want to despise those people. Unfortunately, I can't because I love them too much. Every ounce of me, right now, wants to run away, call it quits, and just go on living like nothing ever happened.

In a sense, it's been a great reality check. Why? Well, I've realized the following about myself:

1. I'm beautiful. I may not have a bombshell, rocking body or the perfect figure, but I'm beautiful on the inside and out. I'm old-time classy. I do whatever I can to look first-class...even when I'm going for a run. I dress to impress.
2. I'm educated and smart. I love learning new things every day. I love the challenge of bettering myself.
3. I'm talented. I have a TON of gifts. Not only can I do the typical housewife stuff (i.e. cook, clean, bake, etc.), but I can be completely independent. I am willing to learn to fix just about anything. I could run a house without the help of any man. Heck...who needs a man, when I can do it by myself?!?! I mean on top of all that I can be slightly artsy. I sing and play instruments ;-) I mean come on! Haha. And of course there's more...but I'll stop tooting my own horn. :-P
4. I have my head on straight. My life, for the most part, is pretty much in order.
5. Most importantly, and yes this should have gone first, I LOVE Jesus. He is my Cornerstone. 

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stooping down to a level I shouldn't. I was raised better than that. I should want to associate with people who are like-minded. Why do I feel like I'm on waiting for a pointless ride that is broken and never going to get fixed? It's like I'm waiting hours in line to ride my favorite roller coaster, only to find out when I get to the top that it's broken and I can't ride it. 

So back to the quote. I am kind! I am smart! Most importantly, I am IMPORTANT! I am important to Jesus and that's all that matters. I need to live my life for me and pleasing the God who created me. I'm done being a people pleaser. It's just about me and God from now on!

April showers bring May flowers

Literally and figuratively. Although, I don't think Michigan realizes that it's May, and I feel like the rain isn't stopping and the weather is deciding to remain cold....blah. However, on a figurative note, I predict May to be an AMAZING month.

April was tough; there is no doubt about it. I shed many tears. I became extremely frustrated. I realized how scared I am of the future. However, all of these experiences and realizations were worth it because I grew so much in my relationship with Jesus.

Yesterday, I was surprised with beautiful flowers - gorgeous irises and white lilies, an absolutely delicious dinner at a place I've never been to, awesome frozen yogurt, and of course quality time with my special man. I love him, or at least am highly infatuated with him. ;-) He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the man I want to be there when I experience all the highs of life and all the lows of life. Most importantly, he is the man I want to always challenge me in my relationship with Jesus.

I hope he never stops dating me. I hope he never stops chasing after my heart. I hope he always surprises me. I hope he loves me more every passing day.

However, I've also realized that what I hope for in my relationship is how I should be with my relationship with God. I never want to stop chasing after His heart. I want to love Him more every passing day. My love relationship with God should be reflected in my love towards people, not just my family or the wonderful man in my life.

I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."

I hope to earnestly seek after God for the rest of my days. I want to know His heart.

Almost half way there

Tomorrow marks the mid-point of April. A couple weeks ago, I thought it would never come. However, now that it's here, well I'm not sure what to think. The last 14 days have been a very reflective, eye opening experience. Some great moments and some...well...not so great moments.

I've realized in the last 14 days, I have been drawn to Mark 12. Coincidence...I think not. Mark 12 is where Jesus lists the two most important commandments: love God and love people. The purpose this months was to really focus on my relationship with God, something that I've not exactly made the central part of my life. So through this passage of scripture, I realized what God has been really trying to speak to me: I need to remove the idols in my life...or in other words, not make them idols. God needs to become my center and stay my center.

As this month's end is right around the corner and life comes back full blast, I need to ready myself to not allow God to take a back seat. Without God, I am nothing and will be nothing. My relationship with God and how I live my life is going to affect my entrance into eternity. And there is NOTHING I want more than to praise my Savior, my Lord for the rest of my days.

So my goal for the REST of eternity: love the Lord my God with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength.


...of course I'll love people, too, but that's just the second commandment ;-)

My everything

I so needed to hear this today. Such a sense of peace that washed over me and the tears fell while listening. My spirit has been quieted, and the uncertainty isn't surfacing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE

"Come to Me" Lyrics:

I am the Lord your God,

I go before you now.

I stand beside you

I'm all around you

And though you feel I'm far away

I'm closer than your breath

I am with you

More than you know

I am the Lord your peace

No evil will conquer you

Steady now your heart and mind

Come into my rest

And oh, let your faith arise

And lift up your weary head

I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm everything

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves

And I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid

Though your heart and flesh may fail you

I'm your faithful strength

And I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

Come to me, I'm all you need

Come to me, I'm your everything

Don't look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me

You will not be shaken, you will not be moved

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way

Just come to me, come to me

Cause I'm all that you need

Three words

I am done. Or, at least I really want to be. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel like words and promises aren't empty and that they aren't just fillers until going back to an old lifestyle. I need something so much more for myself. I know God created me to be driven and strive to do better, to use my gifts.

So what's next? Well I don't know. I'm just emotionally exhausted and can't find the beauty or worth in it. I need things I can't get attached to, yet get the praise or feeling of worth that I strive for. I know God enjoys it when I use the gifts and talents He's given. I'm ready to explore what else is out there and how I could maybe be a part of it.

Ok, I get I'm frustrated and exhausted and that this post is written out of those feelings. But those are the feelings I'm tired of. I need a change.

Uncertainty

So when I started this journey a few days ago, I went into it with much hurt and some hate towards myself. Today, I faced a new set of challenges. One: for one reason or another, I began to regret certain situations, situations that I could hate myself for, situations that I'll never be able to go back and change. I know I have to learn to just live with them and give them to God. However, I REALLY hate the moments when those regrets creep up on me and cause more pain than what already exists. Secondly: I'm ready to give up. I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to quit already. I'm having a hard time seeing why I need to keep fighting for this. As much as I want this to be reality, I think I want it even more to not exist.

Currently, I'm realizing that it needs to be all or nothing. I can't do partial; it's actually causing pain. I don't really have much else to say. It's just been a very hard past couple days - emotionally.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

    my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (Psalm 63:1)

You know me

Well, it's day two. I'm going strong! By that, I mean I didn't cry today, or last night, for that matter. Hahaha. Yes, you can roll your eyes at me.

Anyway, I was going for a run this afternoon...which by the way this weather has been amazing, and I so badly hope that it's here to stay...but as I was saying: as I was going for a run this afternoon, God totally showed up! I have found that this happens quite a bit. It makes me question: why do I stop running for such long periods of time?? Oh yeah, Michigan has a winter that lasts like 6 months...

Over the past few years, life hasn't exactly been a cake walk. It has had high moments and it has had many very low moments! Each moment has made me stronger and given me greater insight. It is definitely a tool to strengthen my relationship with God.

I'm not dragging to the point here; I promise! Since I can't run without music, I decided that I'd finally listen to Bethel Music's The Loft Sessions album. There are a few songs that I have heard before and have fallen in love with before I even bought the album. However, today, one of those particular songs hit me so deep. The song is called "You Know Me."

As I was listening and running, I started to cry. I realized that God has His hand in every situation. Okay, so that wasn't new to me. What was enlightening was the fact that every trial and tribulation I go through, God has the perfect plan. How unreal is that?!?! God knows me, wants to know me, and desires me to know Him.

I know to many people this either doesn't phase them, they don't care, or they are just like "duh!" Coming to this realization, was just an awesome reminder of the greatness of my God.

See, I heard God a long time regarding some huge life possibilities. I put them on the shelf and walked away. As the door opened for those possibilities years later and they didn't turn out to be exactly how my brain had pictured it, I became worried, stressed, etc. But the thing is, God knows me. He knows exactly how my life with play out. He is using me for something so much greater. I just need to trust Him.

God knows me inside and out. He knows every emotion I have, whether or not I wear it on my sleeve. He knows every secret I've ever kept. He knows my deepest sins. He knows my greatest victories. He knows my future. He knows my past. He knows my wishes. He knows my dreams. He knows what's truly my reality. He knows my deepest desires and passions. He knows what I despise and hate the most. He knows EVERYTHING!

If I look at these coming 28 days as a way to get to know God to better understand His plan for my life, I think I will be blown away at the splendor of it all. I can't worry. I can't stress. I can't over-think. I just need to let go, have faith, and trust Him.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.” (Psalm 139:1-6)

All wrapped up

Over the past couple days, I have learned what it truly feels like to have your heart all wrapped up in something and then having to give it up. To have something or someone just always be there, yet in a flash things change from the usual. Well I'm learning this by choice this time. I've realized that some things in my life needed a change and I'm taking a break...well a step back and focusing on God. I guess you could call it a fast. I'm not sure if that's the first thing I'd call it, but from now on for the sake of making things easy, I'll term it as a fast - my 30-day fast.

30 days...doesn't seem too bad. Haha, that might be the biggest joke ever. I'm not even through day one and can already predict this coming week and weekend are going to be killer. However, I guess the point is for me to grow closer to God, right? It's going to force me very quickly to learn to wrap my heart in Him.

Even though today is only day one, I've had a couple nights of preparation - knowing this was coming. I've cried myself to sleep the last couple nights. It's probably one of the toughest, if not THE toughest decision I've ever made. I have to keep reminding myself that it is for the better.

So in 30 days, I'm hoping to come out with the following:

• A deeper walk with God
• Renewed strength
• Clear direction for the future

I'm also hoping that I can blog every day about my 30-day experience, including how God is speaking to me. I can't make any promises that I'll keep up with it EVERY day; however, I'm going to try. 

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Sometimes life feels like a dream

I knew I needed to update my blog, but so much has happened in such a short time, which gave me no desire to write due to the overwhelmingness of it all. However, here I sit, confronting something that I didn't want to touch.

I actually have known for a while what I've wanted to write, but not having a title or knowing how to approach it deterred me from doing it. Finally, as I sat thinking, I realized that my life has had a running theme the last few months. When I look back two months ago, six months, a year ago, or even a year and a half ago, my life looked completely different. Actually, it's safe to say that I'm not even the same person. Sometimes, as a reflect, it feels that my life in those times frames was like another reality or was like just a dream. Let me walk through how I came to this conclusion.

2 months ago:

In January of 2014, specifically January 18, 2014, I was still technically employed at a different grade level, a different school, and a completely different district. I had known since November of 2013 that I was going to be laid off due to a budget crisis and being low on the seniority list. My last day, according to the books was January 21, 2014...although my last day with the kids was January 17, 2014. I thought my life had ended...well it felt that way. Obviously, God had better plans. As I sit here today, working as a middle school special education teacher in a district that is next door to where I live (10 minute commute to work...booyah!), I couldn't be more thankful. However, the weird part of it all is that it feels like I've always been here. It's like my prior experience never existed...in a way. I mean I still connect with my old coworkers and hear from some of my prior students, but I am seriously in love with my job. I am beyond blessed!

6 months ago:

In September of 2013, my house was about to go through total reconstruction. We decided to redo all of the house, top to bottom, with new paint and new flooring. We also decided to remodel the kitchen. Beginning in late September, my house became nothing of what I once knew. The kitchen was demolished. Walls were busted down. Appliances were rearranged. Everything changed. It was an extremely awesome transformation. However, it was an emotionally draining transformation. Being without a kitchen for over 8 weeks was exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to find things to eat without a stove, oven, or microwave? I mean you learn to be creative, but man, was it an experience! So it is now March 2014, and my house is a completely different house. It has been cool to watch the transformation. When I look back to six months ago, that house I once knew is just a memory. Actually, sometimes it feels like my house has always been the way it currently is displayed. It's almost as if the old house was just a dream.

1 year ago:

It's now March of 2013. Boy, my life does not look like that now. The last thing on my mind was a relationship or marriage...let alone with the person I am with. Actually, I wasn't really even talking to him because of personal reasons. As of today, I've already been dating him for almost 7 months (7 months tomorrow...woohoo!). It's weird to think of my life without him. It's like he's always been there. Of course he's been my friend for the past 4 years BUT just a friend. I feel like he's always been there in terms of the intimate friendship we share. The best part is that it's been an exciting 7 months with him, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Also, I was still going to school and taking classes. To date, I not only have my Master's degree, but I also finished off adding my autism endorsement to my teacher certification. It's kind of weird to think my life used to be all about graduate classes. It is so great to be able to come home and not rush to campus to sit in class. It's wonderful to be able to spend my free time reading and doing other relaxing activities, instead of worrying about completing some type of assignment or project. That is one chapter of my life I was glad to see come to an end. Although I bet that in the next year, you'll probably be seeing me apply to a doctoral program or something. ;-)

1 year and 6 months ago:

This now places me at September of 2012. What else to say other than, my grandmother was still alive. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I truly wished that she was here to share in all my accomplishments and to see what I've grown to become in just that short time. I miss talking to her about dancing and music. I miss gleaning from her years of knowledge and experience. I wished I had just a few more hours to hear her voice and soak up everything I could from her. In a way, sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like with her around. I miss her so much. I realize I miss her more and more because she can't share in these new memories. She wasn't able to see my graduate with my Master's degree. She wasn't able to see what our house looks like now. She wasn't able to watch me transition from my old job to my new job. She wasn't able to meet my boyfriend. She won't be able to see me get married. She won't be able to meet my children. I just have to remind myself that she is in a better place, and I was blessed to spend almost 24 years of my life developing a close relationship with her. 

As I look back, I am just blessed to serve this awesome God. Life hasn't been a cake walk. Actually, it's been a real struggle, especially these last few months. It has really tested my relationship and trust in God. However, I am continually reminded that God has a greater plan and that I need to serve Him with my entire being. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

A Year Ago My Life Changed

One year ago on this day, my dear, sweet, wonderful grandmother passed away. I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I loved her then and I still love her to this day. The hardest part of it all is seeing how much my life has changed since then and that I can't share in these new memories with her.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to think about it (let alone write about it) but my one wish was for my grandmother to see me get married. Unfortunately, I will never have the pleasure of her sharing in that momentous day when it does come. Now, I know that comment may sound like I'm mad at God. I'm not; don't take that the wrong way. I know God always has a better purpose. And, towards the end, my grandma was very much in pain. To see someone in pain makes you want to see them in pain no longer. So I am full of joy to know that my grandma is no longer in pain and gets to partake in everything that heaven has to offer. However, I greatly miss getting to share with her what is going on in my life, from missions to dancing to the new adventure I'm on with my boyfriend.

Sometimes I wished I could hold on to those moments when she was alive just a little longer. I want to hear her speak just one more time. I want to hear her laugh just one more time. Most of all, I just want to hear her call my name and say "I love you."

I know God only gives us a set amount of time to live on this earth, but many times people forget to cherish those moments. I'm glad God allowed me to have such a close relationship with my grandma. I am beyond blessed that she was one of my greatest supporters and greatest confidants.

I can't wait until the day that I am reunited with her in heaven.

And to say I got through writing this entire post without crying would be a lie. There is probably one tear for every word on this page. Even though I clearly miss her like crazy, I celebrate in the fact that she has a new life with Jesus.

As another door closes...

...another one opens. Or at least that's what everyone says. However, I'm still waiting for that to happen. Today, I walked out of the doors of the high school I was working at for the past two and a half years for the last time. Being told in November that my position was being terminated, I thought I had plenty of time to land another job in something similar to what I felt God gave me a passion to do. Unfortunately, that has not happened. I went to interview after interview but nothing has come from it (at least not yet), except for interview experience.

So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.

The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of  my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.

Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.

Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.

As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

2013: A Year in Review

To say this year has been my most "interesting" year thus far would probably be an understatement. It has been filled with many hardships; however, God has poured out his blessings and shown up in those tough situations...and is still showing up.

My year definitely started out rough. I found out my dad got remarried, and I found out a month AFTER he actually wed his wife. The worst part was the realization that he was seeing his now-wife before my parents were officially divorced. That same day I found out the latest tidbit of information from my dad, my grandmother, who was extremely ill, was moved to hospice. She passed away just a mere three days later. I was crushed. I loved my grandmother so unbelievably much. I was extremely close to her and spent a lot of time gleaning from her, as I was growing up. She was a huge part of my world, and I could not imagine what life would look like without her in it. Adjusting was difficult, to say the least. However, I was and still am very thankful for my close knit family, who stuck together during this difficult time in our lives.

As life moved on, I began preparing to go to Africa. This year was different though. I was designated as the worship leader. I was ready and excited to return, having already been there once before. I had a lot of people I knew going. It was great. Although there was one problem, my close friend was going this time. I had done an excellent job of pushing him away, and the last thing I wanted was to have to spend over two weeks thousands of miles away from home in a slightly confined area with him. On and off over the past couple years, I liked him as more than just a friend. I was currently at an unsure stage and was trying to really avoid him to get my own life figured out.

Two weeks went by, and I was finally home. Africa was an experience, as expected, and it taught me a lot about myself. I also did pretty well at keeping my distance from my friend while in Africa and was sure glad that I didn't HAVE to see him every day now that I was back in Michigan. However, continuing to avoid him didn't last too long, as I started to cave and began to hang out with him. It was while he was away at a weekend of drill for the Army in July that I realized two days of no talking drove me crazy. I really liked this guy. Finally, he asked me to pursue a dating relationship with him, and here I am, still with him, over four and a half months later. During those four and a half months, we have learned a whole lot about each other. It has been so great getting to understand him on a different level. He really is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend.

From July to mid-November, life seemed to be going great. I was loving my job. Then, boom! I was hit with a lay-off notice...well termination notice because of not being tenured. The district was in debt and had to make cuts. Being bottom of the totem pole, I found out I was getting cut mid-year. That means I only have my job through January 17.

Since finding out the news a week before Thanksgiving, my life has been turned upside down. Everything I once knew and loved was being pulled away from me. I thought I was working my dream job. However, I guess God has a different plan, and I have to learn to trust him. Even though it is frustrating being on the job hunt, I have realized that I am at complete peace about where my life is at. Yes, I over-think things and can worry sometimes, but it is totally in God's hands.

I feel that God has continually brought me to Psalm 31 the last month and half of 2013. No matter what happens in my life, God is my rock. I need to trust where He is leading. I need to continually remind myself that He does not forsake me and has the best plan for my life. What my life will look like in the next month, six months, or year, I do not know. But you know what? That's okay. God is in control. I am beyond grateful to serve a gracious God who knows me better than I ever will and has a greater plan for my life.

For this coming year, I have the following goals:

• Continually develop my relationship with God; seek after His face and to know Him more intimately; trust Him completely; and pursue His heart.
• Obtain a new job, one that God has set aside for me.
• Grow deeper in my relationship with my family and Gabe.
• Regularly go to the gym ;) - yeah, winter weather made me lose any drive to keep going once it hit in November.
• Be a Godly example to the young people I interact with.
• Go on an Alaskan cruise with my mom.

Well that's all I can think of for now...

Here's to a fresh start in 2014. I can't wait to see what kind of doors God opens and how He uses me for His glory this coming year.