...another one opens. Or at least that's what everyone says. However, I'm still waiting for that to happen. Today, I walked out of the doors of the high school I was working at for the past two and a half years for the last time. Being told in November that my position was being terminated, I thought I had plenty of time to land another job in something similar to what I felt God gave me a passion to do. Unfortunately, that has not happened. I went to interview after interview but nothing has come from it (at least not yet), except for interview experience.
So here I sit, on January 17, a Friday night, officially unemployed. All in all, I'm a bit numb. I think I've sobbed so much over the past couple months that my eyes don't want to produce any more tears. I'm left struggling. Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand why nothing has ever been easy in life. Not that I expect life to be handed to me, but it gets really frustrating that I have to work extremely hard before seeing any fruit.
The most irritating part is having it taken away from me. Here's what I mean by that: in the high school I (now officially) used to work at I was extremely involved. I chaperoned dances, did teacher lip sync, was a class sponsor, attended graduation, and oh yeah, designed and taught the English curriculum for students in special education. To say I was attached to the district would be an understatement. I was very connected with my kids and parents. The English curriculum for the special education program was my baby. In the blink of an eye, it was all pulled away from me. It was as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, slammed to the ground, and stabbed a million times over until it was obliterated.
Now, don't read into this, I have no hurt feelings with where I used to work. I understand budget cuts. What I don't understand is why God is allowing for this to happen to me? I thought for sure He would open the door to a new opportunity that would blow me away, and I would start January 21. I guess He has different plan, plans that I don't understand, plans that I can't see.
Where I'm left is struggling to trust God's plan, not that I have some amazing plan figured out on my own. I just don't get why God allows certain things to happen. People question why I'm not super emotional (although that isn't true behind closed doors), but I've realized that I learned to harden up and put on a front when I'm around others. It's the moments like these that can make life hard to enjoy because I feel like a huge part of my purpose in life has been lost.
As much as I am struggling to understand God and trust Him, I do know that He has some amazing plan for me. Me being the impatient person that I am would like to see what this plan is sooner rather than later, haha. I know I am blessed by an amazing family, boyfriend, and friends, a house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a car to drive, and all the other wonderful "wants" of life. I have to stay strong and stay focused. I have to seek after God's will for my life, even though I am struggling understanding it. However, it's in the struggles that I need to draw closer to Him. I have to continually grow my relationship with Christ, even more so now than ever before. Although, I'm not exactly sure what any of this (my job situation, my relationship with God, etc.) looks like at the moment, I am convinced that, in the end, I will be valiant and come out shining.
"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
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