9 Months

9 months of some joy
But more pain.
9 months of getting closer
Yet farther apart.

At 9 months, I should feel:
Confidant about you
Excited for a future
Wholly yours
Loved, cherished, and adored.

But at 9 months, I feel:
Uncertain about you
Terrified and unsure of a future with you
Cheated on
Used, insignificant, and worthless.

Why do I put myself through this?
"Us" has always been about you
Not me, not us, but you.
I'm tired of you.
I need it to be about me.

You say you love me
But those are empty words.
Deep down, I'm just your best friend
Nothing more.
I'm not the girl you love.
I'm not the girl you adore.

I'm just a stupid girl
Who's fallen for you
Who's put up with so much of your crap
Who's allowed you to make mistakes
Who's let you love other things
Who's waited and hoped for change
Who's just a stupid fool.
I deserve better, much better.

I'm fragile
But you're oblivious.
You've broken me too many times
And only God can mend the pieces

You act like nothing is wrong
Yet underneath my facade, I am:
Broken and used
Frustrated and disappointed
Holding regrets
Scared I went wrong 9 months ago.

I should be treated as a rare diamond
Yet I'm treated as cubic zirconium.
I'm just a fix,
A fulfilled satisfaction.

Where's the spontaneity?
Where's the pizzazz?
Where the creativity?
Where's the element of surprise?

I'm still in the tower
Waiting for my Knight, my Prince.
Will he ever find me and rescue me?
Will my fairytale ever begin?

I've lost hope.
Maybe it's time to stop waiting.
Maybe it's time for me to move.
Maybe it's a time for a change in thinking.

Yes! That's it, a change!
These 9 months revolved around you.
I can promise, though...
These next 9 months
And the rest of my life
Will be about
Me.