Irritation

Have you ever, after being with someone, become so irritated that you just want to cry out of frustration? Not feeling included is a non-descriptive feeling, yet it causes so much inner pain. Well, I get to this point every time I am with some people. Unfortunately, now is not the time to do either one of two things: cut off the relationship or confront the person. However, I'm now sitting at home feeling like my anxiety is boiling over - to the point I just want to sob but can't.

Even though a few others know of my irritation, I don't feel like anyone truly understands. The worst part is that I can't even tell my husband fully how I feel, nor if I did, would he understand or agree with why I feel frustrated, hurt, and irritated.

Through all of this, I question if it's me. Is something so wrong with me that these people can somehow irk me to my innermost being? Then I question, why do I let it get to me? Why do I let it eat away at me? So what if I'll never measure up? So what if I'm just there to fulfill the facade? So what if they'll never view me as relational material? Why can't they treat me as an equal? Why do I get the shaft?

But it makes me circle back to: Why do I have to keep trying? Why do I have to keep putting on the smile? Why do I have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not? Actually, it's awful - so awful it causes me so much frustration, hurt, rejection, irritation, and the list goes on. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there seems to be no easy way to work through it.

I don't know what God is doing through this process. I don't know what this situation will look like a few months from now, a year from now, or ten years from now. All I know is that I don't want it to affect my relationship with God. However, I feel that it does because I allow it to get to me. I allow it to steal my peace and joy. I'm tired of it causing me to become an emotionally unhealthy individual because it hurts me at such a deep, inner level. I guess I need to seek God as to why this situation causes such deep wounds, along with irritation and frustration, and I have give it over to Him.

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)

Time Passes and Life Moves Forward

I can't believe it has been over 18 months since my last post. Sad! I was fairly good about posting in the past, even small updates, but somehow I have become engulfed in life. Life - here is the 30 second update: I have enjoyed being married to my husband of 21 months. I began classes for a Doctorate of Education last May, and I am progressing through the program. I am still working full time as a special education teacher, and I am an adjunct college English professor between two different colleges. I also tutor on the side. Gabe and I are at new church, and we are very thankful for the church family we have been forming over the past eight months. We had to put down our baby, our cat Peanut, in December. It was unexpected. His diabetes was not cooperating with the insulin, and it began to negatively effect his body. However, also unplanned, was us adopting a bonded pair of six year old cats, who have been an amazingly awesome addition to our family. As for "real" babies, we're still waiting and are enjoying spending time with each other and our pets.

Even as life progresses, it still seems one area I am continually facing with having to overcome is rejection. It amazes me how a family can so nonchalantly place their child in a category of "black sheep." Actually, it is sickening. Although I am a part of this situation, it sickens me to sit back and watch it happen to someone I love. What's worse is that individual keeps trying and trying, when there is no give back. The only time this person is wanted is when there is a huge family gathering to show how "close" the family is. It is such a facade.

I am learning through the process of dealing with it that God is bigger. It also has given me a much greater appreciation for my family and the acceptance I receive from them. I wished the eyes of this person would be opened to make a move, instead of staying stagnant in continually trying to force a relationship that is not wanted and not there. Why keep trying when there is no want or desire for a true relationship or interest?

I have to keep praying God will work on my heart, along with the other person's heart, to forgive and move forward. I don't want to harbor resentment towards the people, which is a daily battle.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The next chapter

Well, another few months have flown by. As I write this, I am officially a married lady. As of June 12, 2015 at 5:30 in the evening, I vowed to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life. I now have the "M-R-S" title in front of my name. It's so weird to think that.

In just a few short weeks, I have found how much I love marriage. Gabe and I waited until our wedding day to share our first kiss and go on any overnight adventures. I immediately found out that kissing is quite splendid. What's the greatest is that he and I have never kissed another person, so he's the best and worst kisser I will ever know. ;-) Then, going on an eight day vacation to the Caribbeans was amazing. The best part was being with him 24/7 and away from life.

Now, as life is settling back in - well, kind of, as I'm on summer break - I'm enjoying being a wife. I look forward to seeing Gabe when he comes home from work. I love being able to wake up next to him. It's great being able to plan mini get-aways. He's my best friend and someone I will enjoy being able to spend the rest of my life with.

Change is on the horizon

I looked at my last post and was sad to see that it's been over 6 months. I did predict my life would get crazy, but I didn't think I would totally forget to post on the blog. Oh well, life happens.

Four days after my last post, I was proposed to by my now soon-to-be husband. He did it in the most perfect way possible. He took me to Greenfield Village, one of my favorite places. We explored the area, taking in all the sights and sounds. At around 3 PM, he took me to this serene area of the village by a weeping willow and a pond. He told me how much he loved me, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. The entire time, my mom, his mom, and a few of his friends, along with a photographer, were nearby. He had the entire proposal captured. It was amazing. Afterward, we were lucky and had engagement pictures taken right away. He also surprised with an immediate proposal picture that was printed and framed. Literally perfect in every way, shape, and form!

So, obviously that means my last six months has equated to extreme busyness with planning a wedding. However, wedding planning is not the only thing that has been keeping me preoccupied. Work has been absolutely crazy. Even though it has been a pretty hectic year, I still absolutely love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world.

Along with everything else, I bought my mom's house, who in turn bought her brother's. I'm starting to figure out how I will adjust this house as mine. Although, I still have about 2-3 more months before it's physically mine; it's just legally mine, right now.

I'm excited, nervous, and scared about what the next couple months hold. Marriage equates to so much change. I'm terrified of no longer living with my mom. She's my best friend and has been my world since I've been born. Not that she won't be there for me, but I can no longer anticipate her being there for me when I come home in the evening or when I wake up in the morning. That is an extremely scary thought. However, I'm excited for this new adventure that will be unfolding with my soon-to-be husband taking on the role of caring for me. Yes, it's all nerve-racking, but I have to continually trust in Jesus.

I've learned that God is continually putting me in places where I have to lean on Him. I know I've said it a million times, but if I didn't have a relationship with Jesus, I'm not sure how I would be able to handle life. I'm not perfect, and I struggle. However, I'm forever thankful for His love, grace, and mercy that He continually showers me with day in and day out. 

I need you and I want you

These two simple phrases have left my mouth over the past few months. It took me a long time to recognize that, as much as I love being totally independent, I appreciate that fact that I have a man by my side who wants me to need him and want him. I have learned that I do, in fact, want him and need him. 

However, the one thing I have always struggled with is giving every second of every day over to Jesus. Yes, I have a relationship with Him, but I don't always cherish that relationship and give it the time it really needs. I hate that I can so easily push it aside, when I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him. 

Today, during lunch, I was spending some time listening to the heart of God. I heard Him question me: "How much do you want Me? How much do you need Me?" I realized at that moment that I only outwardly express those desires during desperate times of need...which currently happens to be where I'm at in life. But, reality is that I shouldn't require "wake-up calls" to force me to fall on my knees and need Him. I should need Him and want Him every second of every day. 

I am not perfect. I do not think I'm perfect. I know I never will be perfect here on this earth. However, I need to strive after living my life as an image of God. I know I sin and make mistakes, but the repentance that God offers is such a beautiful thing. Sadly, I take it all for granted. 

I am very thankful for these realizations. I'm thankful I serve such a faithful and gracious God, who allows me to work through my mistakes. I am thankful for the blood of Jesus that makes all things like new. I'm thankful for the ability commune with Holy Spirit. Overall, this hard realization of the box I put God in has made me grateful that He continually draws me to Him and is always standing there, even after the countless times I ignore Him. 

As time lapses

Once again, I blink and a few months go by. How does that happen?!?! I guess it's just called life. And, sadly, I've heard that it goes be even faster as you get older. So, I just need to enjoy the moments as they happen.

Much has happened in the past couple months...probably TOO much to squeeze in one tiny blog post. So, micro-sized stories will have to do...well, for most things.

As of Sunday, I just returned from my first Alaskan cruise. It was unbelievable. The splendor of the beauty. Words cannot describe. I was able to see the magnificent glaciers. I was also able to visit Juneau, Skagway, and Ketchikan. I saw whales, both Orca and Humpback. I was able to travel through the White Pass Trail up to the Yukon Territory. I was able to hold puppies that are bred for being competitive sled dogs. But the best part was enjoying this trip with my mom. Moments like these are so precious and is what I will treasure for years to come. Our relationship may not be perfect because we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything. However, she is the one who birthed me, raised me, cared for me, loved me at my worst, and has become my best friend. I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother.

With this coming year, there are crazy changes ahead. I am still teaching full time special education. However, I'm going to be tackling a new part-time job: being an English instructor at the nearby community college. It came as a total surprise and was like a whirlwind. One minute I didn't even have this in my plans and the next minute I'm filling out hiring paperwork to teach an Academic Literacy course in the evening two days a week. What?!?! How did it happen?? I honestly don't know. It was a total God thing. My life is going to become SUPER crazy in just a mere week, but I'm beyond excited to fulfill my dream of teaching college. Although, on top of teaching full-time in a middle school and part-time in the college, I'm going back for my math endorsement. The program I'm taking is accelerated, which means my classes are only ten weeks long. And my first class is Pre-Calculus. Sometimes, I question if I'm purposely trying to make myself stress out. I know it's in God's hands. I just need to rely on Him for peace and comfort because anybody who knows me, knows I stress out super easily.

And of course my love life. Well, I can happily say that I am more in love with Gabe every passing day. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful man I could have asked for. Yes, we've had rocky parts in our relationship, but we've worked through it all and become so much stronger in God and so much closer as a couple. Marriage is definitely in the cards in the coming year...which is BEYOND exciting! No, I don't have a ring on my finger yet. And, yes, I'm anxiously anticipating his proposal (*hint, hint* haha). So yes, wedding planning will be thrown into the mix of my already crazy busy life, which means I am so looking forward to marrying Gabe because then I'll finally be able to spend time with him. Sadly, right now our lives are only able to handle about one day a week of seeing each other. I could really handle at least seven days a week ;-)

Well, I think that just about sums it up for now. I would love to say that hopefully I don't keep this streak going of forgetting to post until months go by, but I can't make any promises. Although, if a certain event does take place, I CAN promise you that a post will be made.

Done

I can't stand selfish people. I can't stand when people think that what they're doing is a "good thing" yet all they do is do things to make them feel happy not other people. I can't surround myself with those people. I need to feel happiness and joy. The only ones I truly get that from are Jesus, my family, and select friends. I hate that being around such people, selfish people, make me feel angry and hurt. I hate this. I can't put on the mask that everything is okay for much longer. Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I need my fairytale yet the situation I'm in will never make that happen. I'm done. I've waited too long, and I will wait no longer!