Lately, I've been confused and unsure regarding some situations. No matter what people tell me or suggest to me, I'm left more perplexed than ever. As I sit at home by myself, I've had a lot of time to just reflect on my life and God's goodness. I know that sometimes waiting and this virtue of patience is a challenge. Countless times have I breached the waiting period and did what I thought was right. Unfortunately, it's come back and slapped me in the face...and harder than I would have ever expected. Obviously, I just pick up the pieces and move on.
However, I've done this to some "touchy" situations and I believe I've left myself numb to take any chances or even bother. I've realized that sometimes I would rather live in my current moment rather than go forward. I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm afraid to put myself out there.
Honestly, though, these are the moments were I become very frustrated. Sometimes I wished I could fall asleep and wake up 10 years from now. Other days, I wished I could backtrack a year and a half ago. Then there are those times were I just wished I could live that present moment over and over. Where am I at right now?? Honestly, I don't know. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to the future. In a way, I'm completely and totally scared as to what my life will look like ten years from now. I'm afraid of moving out of God's will. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm listening to my heart and not His. Many times, I just want to fall a part in His presence because that is the only place I know I am safe.
As I'm typing this, I'm listening to "The More I Seek You," as sung by Steffany Frizzell, and crying. I'm crying because I have just melted in God's presence. I talk all the time about getting an unreal douse of the Holy Spirit and just soaking it up by being in His presence. I know this song backwards and forwards. I've even used it when leading worship, but it was highlighted at this very moment that His presence is what gives me peace. It is where I break down and can just be me. I don't have to make an impression for anyone because who I am is just about glorifying Jesus. How UNBELIEVABLE is that?!?!?!
I serve this awesome God who loves me more in a moment than I would EVER be loved in a lifetime. I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3:17). I am saved by His steadfast love (Psalm 31:16). I can love others because God loves me (1 John 4:7-8). I am loved by God because I diligently seek His face (Proverbs 8:17). I want God to pull me closer and take me deeper. I want to know His heart and want to melt away in His presence. As I know that these coming months and years will hold many challenges, it is such a comfort to know that I serve this awesome God who will never stop loving me.
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