I said in my previous post that I
would bring up the topic of what really IS courting. I’ve talked about “courting”
loosely throughout my posts but never really went into detail about what my definition
of it is and how it applies to dating, relationships, marriage, etc. Take a
second to think what comes to mind when you hear the word “courting.”
Here’s what I think:
- Old-fashion
- 6 inch rule
- Little to no physical contact
- No dating
- Never alone
- Parents always involved
The list could go on. I will argue
that courting is an "old-fashion" term. However, the other items I
listed to define courting are really a matter of preference and vary from
family to family.
The term, courting, has been around
for some time. For example it appears in literary works dating back to the 1600’s,
such as Fayre Mayde of Exchange (1607), Joseph Hall's Resolution and
Divers Practicall Cases of Conscience in Continuall Use Amongst Men (1649),
and Sir E. Nicholas’ The Nicholas Papers: Correspondence of Sir E. Nicholas
(1655). The Oxford English Dictionary defines courting as such: “The
paying of courteous attention, in order to win favour or love; paying
addresses, wooing.” Oh, just an FYI – no, my spelling is not inaccurate. The
spellings are Renaissance, European spellings. Just get rid of the desire to
fix my conventions and continue reading.
Okay, let me dig deeper because I
personally hate when the term being defined shows up in the definition itself
(i.e. courteous is used to define courting). If you didn’t understand the word
to begin with, it just complicates the matter that much more. So, what does “courteous”
mean? Courteous, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, has to do
with “having such manners as befit the court of a prince; having the bearing of
a courtly gentleman in intercourse with others; graciously polite and
respectful of the position and feelings of others; kind and complaisant in
conduct to others.” Now that “courting” has been defined, let’s take its
meaning and apply it to modern-day relationships.
The assumption with courting is that
many times dating is not involved or that dating is something that is entirely
different. This is both accurate and inaccurate. Well, I guess I realized I wasn’t
done with the vocab lesson. Let’s look at the history of the word. The word “date”
did not first appear until around the late 1800’s, with one of its first
emergences being in 1876 in George Meredith’s The Letters of George Meredith.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines
it as follows: “An appointment or engagement at a particular time, frequently
with a person of the opposite sex; a social activity engaged in by two persons
of opposite sex.” So is dating equivalent to courting? Not technically. Dating
is to go out on an engagement with someone of the opposite sex. It does not
necessarily mean the guy is trying to win the girl’s love. However, my follow
up question would be, is dating involved in courting? Yes, most definitely!
Remember, the purpose of courting is to win the girl’s love or woo her. Taking
a girl out on a date is expression of showing her “courteous attention.” What
girl DOESN’T want this?!
Honestly, I hate the term “in a
relationship.” It just sounds funny. Did you not have a relationship with the
person before classifying the relationship as “in a relationship”? In all
technicality, yes. However, our modern-day language has come to use this term
as “seriously” dating someone...which I guess would realistically be courting
them since it’s “serious.” Okay, I’m going to move on because I feel as if I’m
going in circles. I think you get my point. Since when did relationships become
so complicated? Well, since our language to describe it did. Back in the day
when dating wasn’t a term to describe a relationship, courting was the thing to
do. You were friends, and when you decided to make the next step, you were
engaged. There was no “serious” dating or being “in a relationship.”
So with both then and now, if you
court someone, are you obligated to marry them? No!! Many times people assume,
especially in today’s society, that if you are courting a person that you will
marry them. What you may find out is that there are too many differences or
maybe you realize that you are just not compatible with the other person. If
you end up marrying a person because you feel obligated, your marriage will
suffer and you will be unhappy. Courting is a type of action. Dating is a part
of courting. It is supposed to be during your time together that you learn
about each other’s past, likes, dislikes, future plans, etc. Although the goal
of courting is to have marriage be the end of the courting phase and the
beginning of life together, ultimately it is supposed to answer the following
question: “Can I truly marry this person and spend of the rest of my life with
him/her while being the happiest person on the planet?” If you find that your
answer is no, maybe you should reconsider your true motives for being with the
person.
God created marriage, and it is a
wonderful thing. If you are finding that courting is not exciting and such a
blessing, then most likely marriage won’t be a blessing and oh-so-wonderful.
Don’t worry about ending the relationship and being single. If your desire is
to be married and have a family, God will provide that, but you just need to
trust Him. As you draw closer to Him, His desires become your desires. Keep
your heart and mind focused on Him. Just remember what Psalm 37:4-5 says:
"Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of
your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring
it to pass."
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