The first that God's been dealing with me: the prodigal son. Okay, I'm not the prodigal son, but my brother came back to the Lord after having being away for quite some time. Praise Jesus!!! He's soooo on fire for God that it's amazing!! I couldn't be happier. But here was my dilemma, remember the brother in the prodigal son?
“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ 28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. 29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’ 31 “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. 32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15: 25-32)
Well, I felt like this was me. I was always that "good-girl Christian" that was always there and tried to always do my best. Now that my brother was back in the picture, I had to take the backseat. I wasn't okay with this. I guess, in a way, I was set with how my life was. I liked it being just me and my mom. Well, now my brother had to go and change things up. However, did he really change things up or did I just make it seem that way? After careful time with God I noticed two things: unforgiveness and jealousy. Before Jesus Culture, I realized I never forgave my brother for all the things from the past. Forgiveness is a serious issue. In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Think about it. This is some serious stuff. If I don't forgive others, God can't forgive me. I also believe this is why my relationship with God was at a stand still. So before I left for Chicago, I forgave him. Wow, what a relief!! Because of that, I believe that I was able to receive so much from the conference and got soooo much confirmation.
However, when I came back I thought everything was fine and dandy, until I cracked again. After spending time with God and trying to figure out the root of the problem, I came to the conclusion that I was jealous. I'm sure you're thinking jealous of what....well I was actually jealous of my brother's testimony. God delivered him from sooooooo much and he's going to be able to use that to bring soooooooo many people to Christ. On top of that, my brother has such a boldness. It's been like that our entire life. I was on the more timid side but he wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking. I, on the other hand, was thinking "how can I relate to people if I've never experienced that." However, after talking with my mom, my mom brought to my attention that God has a different purpose of each one of us. God will use what He has given us to bring Him glory. Going back to Francis Chan's quote from Crazy Love I guess I just needed to get over myself. It isn't about me. It's about Him, the Creator of the Universe, the One who made me to bring glory to His name.
So along the lines of jealousy, God recently dealt (and is still dealing) with me about this whole idea of comparison. During the Jesus Culture conference there was conversation regarding make-up and crying...yes, you guessed it, two girls were talking, haha. But, seriously, as we, girls, were getting ready one person made a comment that we should not put make-up on because we'll be crying during worship. I stopped to think about it. I don't cry during worship. Then I got slightly frustrated and began to wonder why don't I cry during worship. Am I not encountering God because I don't cry? I mean I can seriously probably count on my two hands how many times I've cried during worship. So, God really had to deal with me about this issue. God brought to my attention Psalm 16:11, "In Your presence is fullness of joy. At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." I realized that I always laugh in His presence. I get such joy being in His presence that I beam from ear-to-ear and sometimes laugh uncontrollably. You know what, people encounter God's presence differently. I am proud to say that I get so full of joy when I am in His presence.
I've made it thus far that I might as well make one more point before calling it a night. Remember that situation I've been seeking God about??!!?? Well, I got my confirmation at Jesus Culture. Five weeks ago, I secretly hoped that I would get a confirmation at the conference. However, I forgot about it and focused my eyes on Jesus. Then it was the first session of the last day and one of the people on stage was praying for people who want to be active in both the business world and the ministry. Then in the middle of his prayer, he received a word from God saying that there was at least one person that had a gut feeling regarding a situation and that God is telling him to say that they need to go with their gut. It is the plan God has for them. Well, this impacted me in two ways. 1. I love teaching, but I also love leading worship. I always said I would love to do both, if God would allow it. So, this was awesome to hear because teaching=business and worship=ministry. 2. I had a gut feeling regarding the situation. As soon as the person speaking said that, I felt like I was called out. It was like one of those moments where you feel like a spotlight was pointed directly on you and the whole world is staring at you. So, I'm confident I got my answer. There's just the other side I'm waiting on to receive the same confirmation. BUT I'm completely trusting God because if He gave me this revelation, I know He will give the same type of revelation to the other person.
I'm SOOOOOO EXCITED to see what God has in store for me. He's still dealing with me on a lot of things, and it is a total cleansing process. The song that has REALLY been hitting home is "Break Every Chain" by Will Reagan and United Pursuit. This worship song was done at the conference, and I've fallen in love with it. It's soooooo simple yet has sooooo much meaning. Hope it ministers to you like it has me.
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