The last time I made a post on here was when I found out that a close friend of mine's father had died. It's been almost two months since then. A lot has happened in two months. A lot that has been unexpected, well slightly unexpected.
Almost a month ago, on January 24, my beautiful grandmother went to be with Jesus. My emotions have been all over the place. I was extremely close with my grandma. She was everything to me. I valued her opinion. In my selfish world, she went too soon. However, being that she suffered the five months prior to her death, I know that she is in a much better place and truly received the ultimate healing. My heart is completely torn. No one can understand the type of relationship I had with her nor what I'm really going through. I will cherish the memories we had and will remember her constantly. She was one of my greatest influences. I wouldn't be who am I today without her influence. I only hope that I could one day have half of the qualities she had.
Within the last two months, I have also discovered that my dad got remarried at the end of the year. My mom and him were officially divorced November 1. My dad married his new wife at the end of December. He was dating/seeing his new wife while my parents were still married. I just don't understand how with a Christian mindset this is seen as acceptable. I also don't understand how he can spend all the effort and money he wants into completely remodeling his house, but for the ten or so years he lived with us, he didn't put barely a penny into updating anything. I'm just frustrated...if you can't tell.
However, I've realized with my grandma's passing, my family growing closer, seeing my dad quickly move on, and past experiences/encounters with guys, I've realized I don't know if I'll ever be able to get married. I'll be honest in saying that I have major trust issues, and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy enough to marry him. I adore my family and can sometimes be seen as homebody. You know what, though, that's okay! I'd rather soak in every moment with my family and adopt children, instead of investing into a relationship that could potentially fall apart. I know this may seem like a slightly cynical comment. However, it's amazing how much other situations and people can influence a person's thinking. I've come to the conclusion that I have been hurt, emotionally. It's not that I don't want to get married because that desire is still completely and totally there. Maybe I just need to meet my "Mr. Right" in order to change that perspective, and he hasn't graced his presence in my life yet.
I'm learning that I'm content with where I'm at in my life. To be almost done with school. To be going back to Africa. To be purchasing my house. To be involved in worship through church and other places. To always be strengthening friendships and making new friends. To constantly be going on new adventures. To grow closer to my family. To continually pursue my relationship with Jesus.
